Piecing - where to go from here?

[Hurt-but-Hopeful]

Here is my original post from the newcomers board: original thread

I thought I would post over here since I think we are definitely piecing, and I'm not getting any feedback really on the newcomers board. My posts don't show up right away and get buried.

H has said that he's staying, wants to try and work on our M, go to MC, IC, whatever. I still feel like I'm in limbo. His actions have all been positive - hugs, kisses, ILY's, and he gave me a really sweet card for Mother's Day. I still feel guarded, like I don't trust that he's not going to throw his hands up and walk out. The thing I am most concerned about is he has this idea of what our ideal R would be like, but he can't really communicate what that would be like or how it would look. How can we work on a goal if I don't understand what it is he wants?

I asked him last night how he thought "we" were doing. After a few smart a** remarks and laughs, he said fine, but he didn't really expect a whole lot from "us" at the moment. I appreciate that he doesn't have unrealistic expectations and realizes it will take some time/work. On the other hand, I kinda wanted more feedback than that. He had said he lost his attraction for me and was taking a "gamble" that it would come back. I kinda wanted to see how he was feeling in that regard, since nothing else is really giving me any clues. I'm afraid to come out & ask him, because I don't know if I want to hear the answer.

I just don't know what to expect at this point. We have an appt w/ the MC on Friday, and then he goes out of town for a week. Hopefully that will clear some things up. He tends to wait to say somethings until we're in MC because he feels our therapist helps him get his point across.

Do we do anything different at this point? To those that have gone through it, what did piecing "look like" for you?

[MynameisMZ]

Hi HbH,

Piecing for us was like that kid's game Shoots & Ladders. He said he wanted me, the M, to stay etc. He still had a lot of things to smooth out so it left me feeling very unsure. The A was over, but in my estimation not really over when he said he wanted to stay. He played both sides against the middle for a few weeks.

It's all so complicated.

What did I do? I kept up the DB up...to the book. I went back to the person he fell in love with.

I didn't really think we were piecing until she had been gone (moved away) for 2 months. I think it was then that he started seeing how messed up it all was and looked at his behavior clearly.

When he started admitting some of his insights, that is when we could talk with more confidence about hoe WE wanted to proceed.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You are currently moderated HBH, should be off it soon and then you can post and they show up when you post them.

[Hurt-but-Hopeful]

Thanks MZ & Jack - it will definitely be nice to be off moderation!

I'm trying to be patient and keep focusing on doing things for me, sometimes I just want this to be "fixed" & over with, ya know?

We did have a good conversation last night. One of his complaints about me is that I haven't fully opened up to him or trust him. So I told him that I kind of danced around asking him how "we" were doing because I still couldn't trust that he wouldn't just decide he was done & leave. He said he was definitely staying to work on things, didn't have any sort of time frame in mind & as long as we were making some kind of progress, he was okay. I think MC on Friday will get us started on truly piecing. His idea is to just let things progress naturally & see how it goes. Of course, I'd rather be actually doing something to work on things. Have you noticed patience isn't my strong suit? LOL.

[gutwrenching]

Patience is tough. Trust is tough. It will not be quick. So you know what you need to work on...patience and trust...so do that...actions speak louder than words and he needs to see you doing your part to give him more confidence to do his work too. Hopefully your MC can give you both some things to work on...so you see "actually working on things" and he can see progress.

He needs to see that you are the greener grass, that you are the best option

[Lotus]

Good to hear you are piecing HBH. I hope the MC will help you. My H and I benefited tremendously from the Retrouvaille program. Don't know where you are located, but there are Retrouvaille groups all over the world. Check the website for more info, www.helpourmarriage.org. We had tried MC, but it didn't take us far enough. It dragged on week after week and after a while seemed pointless.

The weekend format of Retrouvaille and the structure of the program made all the difference in our lives. The taught us to communicate with each other, and to get behind the walls we had built up. All without a third party in any of our conversations! It was a miracle for us. We are now married 31 years. Our Retrouvaille weekend was 3 years ago, and we have been doing fine ever since!

[Hurt-but-Hopeful]

Hi all - thank you for your responses. I haven't posted in a while because there hasn't been much different. We went back to the MC a day before he left to go out of town for work for a week. It was a god session, but it seems like he's just hanging back and seeing what I do & if I keep working on me. So yep, gotta keep working on the patience and trust. He did say @ MC that his desire was coming back slowly. That was encouraging to hear. It was exhausting to be home alone for a week with a 3 year old who is determined to push all the boundaries lately, so I didn't get much time to do things for myself last week when H was OOT. I've been able to do more this week & that has lifted my spirits.

Our MC did talk about planning something to do together each week, even just staying home after S goes to bed, and alternating who plans it each week. With him being gone, that of course didn't happen, but I'm hoping he will want to start doing that. He has an IC session with the MC today. I hope he will want to talk tonight but I'm going to give him space and time to bring it up if/when he wants to.

Lotus - good to know you had a goof experience with Retrouvaille. I've looked into it & there is a weekend scheduled in the fall about an hour from where we live. I hope to bring it up a little later & I'm crossing my fingers that he'll be willing to go. He's kind of anti-church right now, but I know its not religious counseling per se. It sounds really good.