Wow, that is quite the posting. Venting and posting can be very theraputic.
A couple of thoughts.
First it is not your job to "check up" on your husband and what is on his computer. You are his wife and not his mother.
Speaking of porn, have you asked him about his fantasies and offered to explore them together with him? He might not want to as he might be too embarised to allow anyone to know them. If on the otherhand he learns to feel safe with you and not have you judge him (i.e. not the porn police or trying to be his mother) he just might open up and share them with you. Many books have standard lists of fantasies that can be photocopied and you/he get to put a check in a column labled yes, maybe, not really, and Never! Who knows their might even be things that you would really enjoy and that he would also enjoy.
Next, I would like to strongly suggest that you get a copy of Chapman's book the Five Languages of Love, if you have never read it. Read it and find out what your husband's languages of love are. You really need to know that information.
I have known some men (my late father-in-law) that only felt loved, if their wife had dinner ready when they get home and if the house was clean and organized. That is what they expect of a "wife." I know other men (me) who need to be touched and get from their wife words of affirmation. In reading Chapman's book you will find out that there are five different languages of love and different folks need different things to feel loved. You need to figure out what it is that your husband needs to feel loved. I can guarantee that it is not the same as what you need to feel loved.
What do you know about his parents relationship and how they interacted as that may have been a model for what he thinks marriage is all about and what a husband should do and how a wife should act. Now that you are a "mother" he may view that parental role model even stronger. Don't let him turn you into his mother (and especially don't adopt roles of being his mother-porn police); be his wife, friend, and lover.
If I were to guess, I would guess that your primary language of love is touch, which is why sex is probably so important to you. If I were to guess about your husband I would say that touch is not all that important to him in if he feels loved or not. I could be wrong, but you need to find out.
After I finally figured out what Chapman was trying to say, I realized that my wife had been telling me for about 40 years how much she loved me by having good home cooked meals ready for me when I got home from work and doing other "acts of service." To me what she was doing "in the name of love" was just a marital role or division of labor. I was so wrong.
I also realized when I worked late and didn't call her and she "over cooked dinner" or had to eat alone, it was as big an insult or rejection to her as her sexually rejecting me felt to me. An act of love (which ever language) that is rejected hurts and hurts the relationship.
Have you rejected some of your husbands language of love statements of love? Have you thanked him when he tells you he loves you through his languages of love, even when they don't make you feel loved? Once you figure out his and your languages of love, you and your husband will likely feel much more loved.
When I figured all this out, I started to do daily "acts of service" for my wife to make her feel loved. When I got up in the morning, I would bring her a cup of coffee to drink in bed and slowly wake up with. I would fill her car with gasoline and get it washed so she felt taken care of. When she cooked a special dinner and it was ready when I got home, I lavished her with praise and told her how loved and special I felt. She finally started to feel really loved and cherished. I also started to focus daily on her need for quality time (another language of love) and made sure that we spent quality time together each day. She now feels very loved.
My wife and I have discussed the languages of love and know each others and she works at making me feel loved in my languages of love (which are foreign to her) and work at making her feel loved in her languages of love (which is not how I would prefer to tell her how much I love her).
Next, you discuss his stress, and inability to sleep at night. Sleep deprevation is a real libido killer. His ability to "perform" in the morning might be more that just when his T-levels peak, he could be cronically tired. As a doctor you should know that too little good sleep does all kinds of bad things from blood sugar levels, extra body fat, stress, etc.
One of the things that has really helped me in all kinds of ways is getting a weekly massage from a legitimate therapist. I carry quite a bit of stress in my shoulders and a weekly massage really helps me sleep better and interact better with my wife. I also am less "needy" for touch, which improves the sex with my wife.
Even if you have to give your husband a back/shoulder massage, it might be worth figuring out some ways to reduce his stress/tension levels so he can sleep better and feel better around you. Besides (wink/wink), if you ocassionally play the part of the naughty massage therapist you might even get lucky every once in a while.
A final couple of thoughts. Have you read any of MWD's book like SSM or the Sex Starved Wife? She has a lot of great suggestions. Often they include working on getting a life (GAL) where you focus on improving yourself and becoming more interesting to your spouse in the process. The other is that you do some "180's" where you change your behavior toward your spouse so that you force a change in the dynamic between the two of you. I have found both very powerful in curing my SSM.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Interesting, yes, I've heard of the testosterone peak men have in the morning. I guess all men aren't affected the same way by it though. I don't notice any peak in the morning. Rather, I'm ready for sex any time of day or night. Yeah, I can understand why your male friends want to shoot him! It sounds like your husband is simply LD. The thing is, my wife doesn't even have to treat me well for me to be horny for her. And the timing doesn't have to be right. I'm just ready for sex no matter what. Drives me nuts to read about how HD women like you end up with LD men!
As for porn, I never really understood the addiction part of that. Sure it's interesting, but it gets boring fast. I'd love to have a wife who wanted to know what my sexual fantasies were and was game to be part of them, and I'd be interesting in returning the favor. Have you tried telling him about your sexual fantasies? Wouldn't he be interested? Does he think the sexual experience is just about himself?
And if I were you, I wouldn't bother trying to snoop on his porn. It's really not that different from a vivid imagination -- none of it is real, and you won't ever get access to another person's imagination if they don't let you. If I were you, I would try to get to know what his fantasies are, which is really what guides him to the various porn.
Also, in my case, it doesn't have to be porn to get me aroused. Just pictures of well-dressed women in a clothing catalog can get me horny.
Did you say he can't finish in bed? Hmmm.... Perhaps that hints at performance anxiety on his part. I'll bet he doesn't have that problem when he's alone with porn. But if you tell him it's OK, I don't really see that he should be having a problem. I think this is the point where sex therapists recommend non-demand touching with no sex for a while. Massage might be good, as Young at Heart suggested.
If his lack of finishing in bed is related to his porn use, remember that the porn thing is entirely visual. And when you're with a partner in bed, and you're physically close, or if it's dark, the visual aid is often gone, so to speak. Just a thought, but if you could know what his fantasies are (you did see the porn he was interested in, right?) then you could perhaps do something to help provide more visual stimulation of the optimal kind during your time in bed with him? For example, I'm thinking of my wife wearing sexy clothes and lingerie, with the clothing only half off, so to speak, as we get it on. Lots of visual stimulation. Getting horny just thinking about it... If only she were interested, but that's another story.
