One foot out the door, the other on a rug....

[luvmyhubby]

4better,
Thanks for the compliments and encouragement.. Today I feel like I dont really deserve them. He didnt mention the D when I saw him yesterday and I gave him some encouraging words about a meeting he had. I felt a bit better like I had the upper hand and then today he just swiped my legs again.

I called him about the kids and he asked if I had talked to our friend about the D who is a lawyer. My heart sank.. I relayed all of the information I had and then I asked why was he rushing this? He has only been out for a month and the problem around for 2 mos.
His response was that I always said I wouldnt wait around for him so it wasnt fair to me to wait around. I wanted to scream at him! (but i didnt). Once we hung up I remembered something else i needed to tell him and i called him back.

This time I told him that first of all he could not use me waiting for him as an excuse. I told him I would take whatever he dealt to me and that I would be fine. Him telling me that I am the reason for rushing the D is just an excuse. If he chooses to file it is his choice and his alone. At that point the phone went silent. He didnt know what to say I dont think..

It seems every step of the way his excuses are thrown at me in the form of what I did wrong. All but a few were kinda silly or grasped for to make himself not take the blame.

He told me that he didnt want to go to counseling or work on it at all because he would be going out everynight drinking and not coming home. That wouldnt be fair to me just like him hitting on women when he is out isnt fair to me..

So he wants this lifestyle I think and is feeling guilty and wants to cut me away like a cancer.

Everyone keeps telling me he is not smart he doesnt deserve me that I am going to be better off.. Its just that my heart cannot hear or see any of that.. All I can see is my love and my family slipping out of my hands..

Sorry I guess today is a bad day for me!

[~ kd ~]

Not up to date on your sitch, LMH, so maybe I'm missing something.

Your H indicated that he's rushing the D because you've told him you wouldn't wait around for him.

Why he said that does not matter. Whether he was pushing it in your face or he is simply honouring your wishes.

If you have told him that, he is simply reminding you that you set boundaries. And if we set boundaries, we need to be prepared to uphold them.

Of course, it's OK to change our mind. Just that we should be sure, clear, and committed when setting or stating boundaries.

[luvmyhubby]

I might have said that at one time in our marriage. The same way you say something like " if you ever cheat on me that would be it". I have made it clear verbally and with a letter that he can take his time to decide.

I think his true motivation is his guilt. He cannot go out and truly be free from his "vows" while married. I think every time he tries to "hit" on women he feels guilty because he is married. Ive been holding onto the fact that he hasnt and probably wouldnt have the courage to actually file.

However now I think that I have to let that go. That will have to be a 180 for me since I have had control of that this whole time. He said that he didnt file already because I said I wouldnt sign.

His problems were simple..
-He never had control of any choices
-He agreed to things even when he didnt want them so he wouldnt cause waves.
-I made him feel bad about himself and everything.

My synopsis is that he stopped giving effort in our home and to our family. I picked up the slack and complained and told him I needed more of him. Then the cycle started and the actual issue was ignored..

I think all I wanted to accept his decision was actual effort in saving the marriage. Even if just for the kids.. He cant give it.. Or doesnt want to.. and I dont have control of this or his feelings.. Im working on me and how i contributed and changing that for me...

He hangs out with new friends not anyone he knows and has been staying away from family. (his and mine)

Im off his back and I let him go.. I am not GAL.. I now HAVE one..
Just feels like stuffing the pain and not truly dealing with it..who knows..

[luvmyhubby]

Had lunch with a mutual friend today. She was very surprised and said that he must be seeing someone. After i reviewed what she said i was convinced.. It doesnt change my outlook and I wont question him..

I think that it just hurts.. The thought of leaving his children and family to choose another woman is like a knife. Made me very nauseated..

I know I have to throw up the stop sign in my head but this just hit home since she knows us both. Still speculation of course..

[luvmyhubby]

So he hasnt picked up some checks for the household bills in weeks. He gets one every week for some consulting and he will wait a few weeks and get several. Well 2 weeks in a row he told me he would get them and deposit them and of course he didnt. Now I really need the money for certain bills and he agreed yesterday morning to go get them. Of course at 3:00 they were not in the bank so I sent a text to ask if he had gotten them. 30 minutes later i get a text back that he didnt go into town today so he didnt get them.

I wanted to just call and scream at him.. I need the money to pay the light bill and daycare etc.. So I did call him and ask what happened and he told me some story and then said I could go pick them up so I was silent and he was very angry sounding. I asked him if he was angry with me and he said no other people had made him angry. I agreed to pickup the checks and then we had to meet at the counselor for a family appoinment for my son. He has ADHD and twice a year we have a family session for him.
We met and the session was interesting my H was very quite but she had flash cards with words like sad, angry, tired, happy etc. We had to decide and agree on who fit the description.

For the most part it was easy but when tired came up the kids said dad. Then my D5 said dad sleeps while he is driving.. My H has sleep apnea and works too hard and is now partying very hard. So he falls asleep on the couch or oversleeps to come get them etc.. I didnt say a word we just went on and my H only participated when he was asked a question directly. Actually he looked tired and sad especially when the kids said he was sleeping and driving.
Then the C met with each of us individually and said that since my mom had moved out she noticed an improvement in my S8. Also that we needed to make sure to set better boundaries for our D5.
I thought it was funny I left my phone in the room with my H and kids to play games. The kids told me later that dad took the phone.. I guess to read my text messages. Wasnt anything to read anyway but I thought it was funny.

He came over this morning and was nice. We talked and chatted about little things and he even hired someone to pressure wash the house. BIG deal for him.. I will make sure to thank him for the extra effort..
I fixed breakfast for the kids and didnt offer him any. I usually do but I have stopped doing things like that. He eventually said do you mind if i make myself some breakfast? I said sure.. so he did and stayed a bit longer to eat.

Also he is really having a hard time with money in his business. Im not offering to help him with any $ I want to and usually we would figure things out as a couple.. I guess since he doesnt want that I shouldnt offer to help right? Im assuming that by me suggesting things or offering that I am doing more of the same.

My theory is that if i leave him to figure it out on his own he can take back control he accuses me of taking. Then if he really needs $ he would ask me directly..

Also I think that him not getting the checks is his way of seeking more revenge on me. i have stopped engaging him Even when he gave me papers regarding a divorce i didnt argue or fight i just said okay. They were just papers a lawyer gives you to go over to figure out child support and how to split things up nothing has been filed. I dont complain to him about being late anymore etc really anything .. a huge 180 for me. So my thinking is that this is a way to get that since he has no other way to get that from me now....

So my question is how do I stop this from happening? He says he is giving me money and has agreed but doesnt bring it home.. I waited as long as I could to push the issue until I was out of money.. I am selling the house to no longer be dependent on him as well but that will take a bit...

I mean stop the tug of war over money when I cant get around it?

Getting stronger every day! Still working out like crazy and feeling good about myself...

[Fate has come]

Hello everyone..
I am very new here...my wife left me June 5th.....while I was out of town....upon my return to my home.....half the stuff was gone....while reading the dear John letter....there was a knock at the door....and yes you are right I was served D papers and an Order of protection for violence.......
Here's the thing....I never saw it coming and I have never been violent in my life.
Everyone is floored...including her own family.....I have not talked to her in 5weeks due to the protection and my lawyers advice....the pain is so great I have to remind myself to breath....
I have seached the net and have not come across this situation....I can't be the only one.
She never told her best friend or only sister......her mother which I talked to today for the first time in since the bomb was clueless other than she knew she moved out. She has completely left all our friends.....no one has heard from her and she has not return V-mail.....

What do I do? I got a lawyer three weeks ago....he said ....dude it's over. I can't except this after 9 years of M......there is more I am just tired of typing...

Please help me through this!!

[luvmyhubby]

Hello everyone..
I am very new here...my wife left me June 5th.....while I was out of town....upon my return to my home.....half the stuff was gone....while reading the dear John letter....there was a knock at the door....and yes you are right I was served D papers and an Order of protection for violence.......
Here's the thing....I never saw it coming and I have never been violent in my life.
Everyone is floored...including her own family.....I have not talked to her in 5weeks due to the protection and my lawyers advice....the pain is so great I have to remind myself to breath....
I have seached the net and have not come across this situation....I can't be the only one.
She never told her best friend or only sister......her mother which I talked to today for the first time in since the bomb was clueless other than she knew she moved out. She has completely left all our friends.....no one has heard from her and she has not return V-mail.....

What do I do? I got a lawyer three weeks ago....he said ....dude it's over. I can't except this after 9 years of M......there is more I am just tired of typing...

Please help me through this!!

Fate,
Im sorry I am just now replying.. My brother had a similar issue and his was done however he didnt try to db. For you I would start the db'ing not because it will save your marriage but because it DOES make you better. Mine seems over but the db'ing has really brought me to a new level.

I would first read the books if you havent and possibly hire a coach if you can afford it. They give you things to do that put in into control. Control of yourself and the person you want to be.

-Do you have children?
-Was there some blow up that would cause her to put the order in?
-Drugs, alchohol?

Start to work on you and when you get the opportunity to interface with your S again it will show. They do notice even if it doesnt make them change their mind.

Also you cannot change their mind or cry and beg to get them to reconsider. Making this type of step is huge for the WAS so it takes a lot to get them to reconsider in my opinion.

Im sorry for your pain! I know it hurts and it will get better i promise it does take time.