New to the forum.

[Valeska19]

SLC,
In regards to dating, we all have to make that decision on our own at our own time. I'm still married to w so obviously I will not date until D is final due to how I feel about our vows.. however here are some other reasons why I won't.

1. My heart still belongs to w. If I can't give my heart in a relationship and be fair to that person, I shouldn't do it.

2. I know dating will only fill the void right now. Void that either my w filled or void that I need to feel. Filling a void, is not a reason to date.. IMHO.

3. I don't want to hurt w by dating.

4. I too worry if she becomes jealous, afraid, angry.. etc.

5. Both 3 and 4 mean that I haven't detached. If I haven't detached, than I'm certainly not ready to attach to another person.

6. I'm still working on me. There are things I did that were unhealthy in my r. Before I get into another r, I want to make sure I have worked out the kinks.

Ask yourself why you feel the need to date? Look at the answers and determine if they are the right ones for you.

Hope this helps.

[♪CS♪]

You're in a weird spot SLC. Well not weird. Just quicker and more extreme.

In your sitch the legal D happened so fast. It well outpaced your own emotional D.

So here you are now...

You are single. You can date whoever you please. Legally. Morally.

But are you ready? That is your question. Your the only one who can answer this.

No problem in taking your time in processing everything. Do what feels right. For you.

IF you and your W ever R in the future. It won't be because you did or didn't date. It will be because you BOTH became people who fit again.

DB in the sense of personal growth. For YOU. For EVER.

But for now. It should not. Is not. For your W.

Peace man. It WILL come.

[InAPickle]

I really can't offer anything substantive on dating.
I'm at a stage where I can't. And won't.
I'm just not ready.

We are temporarily co-habitating for the sake of our kids.
And that would create a scenario I am not ready to deal with yet.

OTOH, XW sees her OM in another state about once a month.
Nothing I can do about that really.
(Besides kicking her a$$ out) LOL.
She knows she can't see some OM "local" and remain under my roof.

You're going to have to decide about dating on your own.
You'll know when you are ready.
And DBing doesn't necessarily have to stop with dating.
Since you have to co-parent your kids, believing as you do,
you'll always be DBing, even when you reach the age of co-grandparenting your grand children.
That's why I asked, "How long you gonna hold your breath?"

Just be forwarned some WA's rejoice when their LBS dates and others freak out.

[Lonely in SLC]

It has been a couple of weeks since I last posted. Before you read this section, it may be good to review my post dated 08/02/11.

I believe one of the reasons that I have not posted recently is that the past couple of weeks have been decent. Just working during the week, and watching the kids on the weekends.

My XW went to Chile on Monday to visit family. I was suprised when she took a friend with her instead of one of the kids. Oh Well.

Anyway, here it is Wednesday night and the kids and I have not heard if she arrived safely. I decided to look on her facebook account to see if she has posted anything.

I noticed some messages exchanged between her and the Security Guard. There were just a few messages exchanged.

XW: You there?

G: Yes, how are you, are you in Chile?

XW: During great, I miss my kids. How are you?

G: Everything is fine. I checked up on Cupcake (name of our Cat). I hope your having a good time.

XW: Do you miss me?

G: A lot. I just finished at the gym.

XW: Yes, a lot!

G: I hope your having fun with (name of friend she took with her). Are you at a computer. I'm on my phone.

XW: On my cell, the only thing that works is internet. (They must have always texted directly before.

G: The cell phone company isn't charging you?

XW: Not for internet. I cannot make calls.

G: Cupcake is fine, miss you.

XW: Thank you for watching Cupcake. I love you. It is 11:00 here, I'm going to bed.

G: Good night sexy have fun.

I had believed all of her lies that there was nothing going on. This doesn't show a lot, but the fact that he has a key to her apartment and I don't..... The fact that she asked him to watch OUR cat.

I don't get it. We have been divorced for about a month, a she still has continued with this lie. She has continued to give me hope that we may reconcile even after the divorce. Am I reading to much into this, or am I just plain stupid.

All the feelings of betrayal have crashed over me like a huge tidal wave. Now what do I do?

I believe there will be more messages between the two during the next week and a half while she is in Chile. It will be the only way that she can communicate with him.

I would just like her to be honest with me. Tell me when this began, was it back in March like I originally suspected, or did she wait until after the divorce? Why is there this red haze red haze when I think about her not being honest with me?

The lies hurt the most. Just be honest with me. Why is that so hard? Why will she not give me these answers? What more can she do to me by telling me the truth? We are already divorced.

Should I confront her to try and get answers? Will it do any good? What is more important to me, getting answers, or continuing to DB even after the divorce. The last couple of weeks before she left, we were getting along fine. Now, how can I even be friends with her for the continued lies? I know she is the mother of my children, but I just lost all respect for her. Do I even want her back?

It would be so much easier to heal if I just had the answers, but everytime something like this happens, the pain just starts over again.

Did I needlessly suffer thinking that all of my shortcomings caused the divorce, when in reality it was because she was having or wanted to have an affair?

[Lonely in SLC]

I can really use some help right now.

I can't sleep. It feels like I am back to square one when I first thought I found out about the XW's A (EA or PA, don't know). The wound feels fresh and new again. I believed her.

I believe she wanted a quick divorce so that her conscience would allow her to date this security guard. I believe she did not want to be unfaithful while married, so divorced me to see him. I am sure this is her justification. But why can she not be honest?

I have not cried like this for awhile. I don't know why, we are divorced now. I now feel so stupid for believing her lies. I feel gullible, how can a trust anyone again? I am angry with myself. I still feel shamed that I could not keep my wife happy, that she had to find happiness with someone else. That she literally ran away as fast as she could.

I can really use the help right now. Just for someone to say things will get better. That I am worthy to be loved. That I should not loose faith in humanity. That I am not worthless, because I sure feel this way now.

I liked the numbness and fog better. It might not bee happiness, but it sure beats the pain. How much longer?

[In_Shock]

I'm so sorry to hear about this latest bombshell. When my W said she wanted to split up - I was pretty much ok with it at first. I figured, --we've been through a lot in 13 years. She just needs space. Etc... etc....

Well, 2 mo later I found out for sure there was someone else and like you it hit me like the TON of BRICKS and there i was. Devastated again. It's normal - especially if she has lied.

However, using DB principles, confrontation is probably NOT what will work. I have been struggling to keep myself 'above' W and the lowly OW. I will be the better choice and not even acknowledge it. It's hard b/c we live together still....but I am keeping my class and my dignity.

Let W do what she is going to do. Give her space - and keep your focus on YOU and kids. You can be the better man. You ARE the better man - remember that and act accordingly.

[Lonely in SLC]

Well, I think that I am finished with DBing. Then again, maybe I am just starting. I'll explain this later.

For my own benefit, I called up the XW down in Chile to confront her. I am not sure if "confront" is the right word. I did not go into the conversation looking for a fight or to show emotion. I just want the truth.

I began by asking how long she had been dating the OM, if she waited until the divorce or before.

X: You read my facebook.

M: What are you talking about? The kids and I went over to the pool at your apartment to swim, I saw him go to your apartment. Was there something on your facebook that I should now about? (I know, a liitle bit hypocritcal by me, asking for the truth but lying how I had obtained the information)

X: He was just checking up on the cat. He is only a friend, I have told you that I am not dating him. I am not interested in having a relationship with anyman.

M: Why did you bring up facebook?

X: We had sent messages last night.

M: Is there something in there that I should no about.

X: No.

M: The you would not mind if I saw them, have you changed your passcode, and will you give me permission to look at it.

X: No.

M: Then I don't believe you. I am hurt that you have felt the need to lie to be about this, even after the divorce. I guess that I had hoped that you still had some respect for me to tell me the truth. I know I have made mistakes, but the truth is something that I thought I deserved.

X: I am telling you the truth. We have never dated, never kissed, nothing. He is just a friend.

M: How am I supposed to believe that he is just a friend, when he apparently has keys to your apartment to check on the cat. You didn't even trust me to look after the cat. You have numerous girl friends that could have done this for you. I just don't believe you anymore.

X: Fine, look at my facebook.

M: (Logged into her facebook and reread the messages.) Is this suppose to make me feel any better, or suppose to help me believe you. What is this, "Do you miss me" "Te Queiro." (Te Quiero is a term of endearment in the spanish language. Is not as strong as I Love You, but is very close.) This confirms my suspicions even more.

X: You are mis-interpreting it. He is just a friend.

M: I don't believe you anymore.

X: Fine, there is nothing I can do to convince you otherwise. So why waste our time.

M: You are right, why waste our time. Goodbye.

I was extremely calm during this whole time, you could almost say detached. I don't believe she expected me to be so calm or to end the conversation this way. She was gradually getting more emotional. Innocent to angry to crying.

X: I can't believe that you still find a way to ruin my day even when I am half a world apart. Does this mean you are going to start being mean and get the kids involved.

M: No, I know I have made that mistake before. This issue is between us though, I will not make the kids suffer anymore than needs be. Maybe this is why you would not tell me the truth, you are afraid that I would do something mean or try to make you look bad in front of the kids. I just know that I am going to need some time to myself, it will be hard to be your "friend" knowing that you have lied to me.

X: Silence......He is just a friend. (More subdued)

M: Going back to what you said earlier, I guess there is no reason to discuss this any further. Goodbye, I hope the remainder of your trip goes well.

X: Bye

I feel better. When I don't talk about issues, it sits inside of me and festors, like a poison. It is what I needed to do to move on with my healing. But I guess it will continue to get harder.

You see, I had hoped we would get back together one day. This hope had helped me move on. Now, the hope is fading fast, if it is not already dead. Maybe it is my defense mechanism kicking in, I just can't stand the pain anymore. It is time to move on with my life.

For me to truly move on with my life, I had to loose this hope. It was keeping me back. I know that the next few days, weeks, months, who knows, but that I will cry. It will hurt, but I need to move on for ME.

Here is the dilema. Is this not DBing. Moving on with your own life, having no expectations from the X. I don't even know if I would want her back. She has changed to much, I don't even recognize the woman I have loved all of these years.

My steps to healing.

1. Grieve
2. Move on.
3. Once grieving is over, never go back to step one.

It is just that the pain is so sharp right now.......

[Lonely in SLC]

Just an update on my situation.

As stated earlier, my XW was in Chile for close to three weeks visiting family. I had the kids the entire time. It was great, went to a college football game, went to the state fair, just enjoyed ourselves. This was probably why I did not post much, I was pretty busy chasing after the three kids.

It was really lonely at first when the XW got back last week and took the kids. I was used to them being with me 24/7.

Also, last Saturday would have been our 12th anniversary. We actually went to lunch together. She started drying during lunch saying that she was confused, that everything happened to quickly. She says she misses eating dinner as a family like we used to.

I really did not know what to say or how to feel. Did it feel good hearing her say this, yes. Should I believe it, probably not. These feelings she is sharing can change into one of hatred in a matter of seconds.

Trying to GAL. I am not succeeding very well in placing goals and working towards them. Just living day to day for now.

[Lonely in SLC]

Update

At this point my XW and I have become pretty good friends. This Friday I am taking her out to a haunted house. I just have to keep telling myself to be patient and happy. Don't try to hug or kiss her, and don't look sad. Just enjoy the time together, and remember to look my best and exude happiness.

[Cadet]

New thread - will be getting remarried to his ex-W

Read here.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2302067#Post2302067