I was just wondering, do most midlifers leave? My husband has been saying he is going to leave, but hasn't. Found out 2 years ago this month that he had been having an affair. According to OW it has been going on since 2007. He has told me 4 times the Affair was over. Over this time?- I don't know, but I do believe it is suffering. He is waiting out the slow death. Of course, the OW does not want to let it go. Anyway, he wants to move out, but says he hasn't cuz he "doesn't know how" I stay at home, so we are a one income family. He says it is because of the money. Don't get me wrong, we are not well off by any means, but we have savings. Seems if he wanted out that bad, he would use the $. That said, I feel like if he doesn't move out he will never figure it out. Any insight would be helpful. BTW- This is my first post.
Married to my highschool sweetheart 21 yrs. 2 daughters
cato4 Thank you for such a quick response. I hope am replying correctly. Still trying to figure out how to use this forum. I believe it is a midlife crisis for a few reasons. I was given the speach. "I'm no longer in love w/ you. I haven't had feelings for 10 years. (We adopted a daughter who at the time he said this was 7) "He should have left years ago,but didn't because of guilt". He said he never should of married me. What??? We have known each other since we were 16 and I was unaware we had problems. He had an affair with a much youger woman that called him by his college nick name. A woman that if he was thinking clearly he would never have anything to do with. This is my husband's first affair and he always said, he would never have an affair because of what his father's affairs did to his family. Anyway, he's also said, he is unhappy, feels numb, he sleeps way more than he ever has. He felt he couldn't concentrate. I have done a lot of research on MLC and if this is not one, I'm not sure what is. There are a lot of other things he has said and done. Needless to say, he never said anything about being unhappy. I know a lot of his unhappiness stems from how he feels about himself and the effects his fathers affair and his parents divorce affected him, but he sees me and the marriage as being the problem. At this point I almost wish he would leave to speed things up. The wierd part is he still talks to me about work and kids.
I have not found any part of MLC to be wierder than then next, lol...
There isn't a right or wrong way to post here, just know that posts appear a little slower at first, because of moderation, but Jack is pretty good
Eventually, you will be off moderation and then they will appear in real time.
Although no one can decide MLC but you, it does sound pretty close...
Cadet will be along shortly to post resource links that can be very helpful...
Just know, this all takes place in it's own time...
Little to nothing speeds it up any. It reminds me often of the ground hog, they take a step forward (or backwards) see their shadow and run back into the hole...
Focusing on yourself and your children will help you through this.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm pretty sure it's MLC. Since bomb drop 2 years ago, I have spent MANY hours researhing, reading etc. I've read so much on marriage,men, and especially on MLC that I may soon have my M.S. in MLC. lol. I was hoping it wasn't MLC. I might add he also feels he has always given to everyone else and now it is his time. Funny he doesn't see a 4 yr affair as something for himself. I knew something was up a year before D-day, so I would say I've been dealing with this for 3 years. I would guess his MLC started sometime before the beg. of the affair. That would be 2006! Five years! I am so ready for this to be over. yes, I am trying to focus on myself and my girls, but they are growing up fast and missing out on having their father full engaged. We are both from big families that we get along with. They no nothing of what is going on. We are on W. Coast, they are on E. Coast. That being said, it makes it difficult not to spend time with the people who would help me forget my troubles.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments.
GAL.
Detach. - The single most important thing you can do
You have been given a GIFT The gift of TIME. - Use is wisely.
I'm pretty sure it's MLC. Since bomb drop 2 years ago, I have spent MANY hours researhing, reading etc. I've read so much on marriage,men, and especially on MLC that I may soon have my M.S. in MLC. lol. I was hoping it wasn't MLC.
Welcome to the club...
As far as your girls, make your relationship with them the best one it can be...
While it is unfortunate on what they are missing with their dad, that is between them and that is where it needs to be...
My STBX, spent since 2007 working almost 365 days a year... until these last few months...He and S are finally working on their R, as strange as it is, and after all this time, makes me a little angry as well as relieved that it is finally happening...
I tried to force it in the beginning. Tried to guilt him. All it did was make him withdraw further. Like almost everything with MLC, the more we push, the further away they get...
Keep posting and sharing your knowledge as well.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks once again for taking the time to answer my questions and make me feel welcome. I was on this site last eve. How ironic that I minimized the page to check my email. Low and behold there was a email from the OW to me! She sent a picture of my husband at a concert they were at together last weekenc. - He told me he was at work. Does she really think I am that naive to think he worked all night. He returned the next am. at 10? Why she feels she has to "rub it in" is beyond me. Does she really think I can get him to commit to her? Trying to be strong, but I tell you I was sick!
Mint, Welcome to the best place you never wanted to be! Obviously we can't know enough to be sure, but from what you have said about your H, it sure sounds like classic MLC. It can last a really, painfully long time (and as MWD says, however long it lasts, it always feels like much, MUCH longer). I started seeing signs of MLC in my H at least 10 years ago, although I had no idea what was happening until after the bomb, almost 3 years ago, when I started researching desperately (I thought it was all my fault until then). And as far as I can see, H is nowhere near done with the tunnel, although I rarely see him, so it's hard to tell. I also have a close friend (female) who has been in hard-core MLC for at least 5 years (if her desperate attachment to OM who no longer wants her is any clue).
To answer your question, no, they don't always leave, but most do, although sometimes it takes a while. My H didn't move out until 13 months after the bomb, and to this day I still don't know if he would have ever taken the initiative to leave if I hadn't put my foot down about something instead of letting him have whatever he wanted, which I had done from the time I had an inkling of trouble until 3 weeks before he moved out. He also claimed he would have moved out long before if it hadn't been for $$, but somehow he got past that. If they really want to leave, they will, sooner or later, no matter what obstacles crop up.
If it is MLC, you cannot help him; he has to find his own way through it. The very best you can possibly do is to avoid hindering the process. It is his process, and all you can do is to stay out of the way. This is considerably more difficult when you are NOT separated, and every day seems to be an opportunity for you to trip up. When he is busy blaming YOU, he doesn't have to look inside himself, and that's an essential step in progressing through the MLC tunnel.
All I can say is that MWD is spot on, so read and follow the resources Cadet listed. There are lots of wise people here too. It is so true that when your S is MLC, you can believe NONE of what they say and only 50% of what they do. They have to _consistently_ show that things are different before you should even consider the possibility that they are coming out of it or that you should believe a single word out of their mouths. If someone in MLC told me the sky was blue, I would have to look out the window to see it for myself. Of course, I'm from Missouri ("You gotta SHOW ME!"), so I might not be the best example! ;-)
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
