W not interested in legal separation, due to cost. Actually, W chose elective mediation, a free service.
Do not have an appointment for our first session yet, although it should be sometime in August. I have no idea how many sessions it allows for. No proposed date for filing D, atm.
KD, I've wondered myself about moving forums since I'm also not exactly a newcomer. I'm in about the same boat as you, except my state doesn't have legal separations. We're just not living together officially.
That said, for the time being I'm going to stay in Newcomers, at least for now. Stop by and nudge with the 2x4s from time to time and I can do the same here.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I see you have been traveling. What is going on with your sitch I really did not see much in terms of updates for a few weeks? I wanted to stop by and check up on you and see how you are doing.
Sometimes stepping away from it all and taking some time is exactly what you need
I find that when I spend a few days away I am able think better and can put my thoughts down on paper but I always need that mental release.
Lol, LP! I will be sure to nudge you with a 2x4 every now and then...
I came to this forum because it made the most sense. I am still not sure if my W is WAW or MLC and really, that doesn't matter. I no longer feel I need to figure that out.
And since a slow thread in newcomers gets stale (bottoms quickly in the thread list) when not really active (unlike newbies or those still caught up in the high drama), it's nice to be hangin' on this lazy river.
We do have legal separation here, although we have not gone that route. I'm not a lawyer, but I understand that does put us at a bit of risk.
A legal separation makes sure that neither of us remains liable for the actions of the other, past the point of filing separation.
Plus, it gives a time stamp for when dissolution of assets occurs.
But there's ins and outs no matter what and how of the process, so I'm not really concerned.
Ya, mon... went to SF a couple weeks ago. Didn't get a chance to do a lot of visiting, but it was still very nice to get out there again.
Went there for a seminar so got both a clear head AND a full head... lol!
I have partly moved to this forum to do exactly as you say. To take some time and really put thoughts to paper, as it were. A plan of action...
Regarding the sitch, I think you'll understand exactly what I mean here...
People worry about how going dark may "allow" the OS to move on. Not so much pushing them away, but allowing them to drift apart. And I know that's not the case...
Here's the real deal. Going dark and getting out of the drama has allowed me the time to think about who I am, how I want to be better, and coming to a realization that... if I end up D, I am so, really OK with that. I almost look forward to it.
Of course, I will "do the right thing" and consider rec if my W were to want to go that route. I do still love (care about) her.
I will be DBing the entire way. I will DB me during this continued separation, I will DB the mediation, I will DB the D, and I will DB rec (if that were to happen).
The only thing I can say is I really have to GAL now, over the summer. The kids might be on summer holidays, but my W always books them solid and between work and their travels / activities, I may not have a lot of opportunity to see them or talk to them.
Hmmm... Interesting... Certainly chalk this up to "not normal" for me...
Had dream about my W last night. Oddly vivid, I'd say I woke up to it, it was that clear. MIL was also in the dream / scenario.
The most poignant part was regarding my actions of placing objects during the dream based on something that I assumed or my interpretation of instructions. This was then followed by my wife berating me for being completely wrong. My MIL agreed with my W.
My reaction was to shut down and become extremely distant and my W then challenging me on how I could be upset, that I shouldn't be upset.
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My W has indicated many times over the past year how she felt I always needed to be right. I understand how she could feel that way. I am working on presenting my thoughts in ways that are more open.
I've been feeling so beaten up over the past year by my W who would not "allow" me to participate in family outings when I had the opportunity, and regularly indicating, saying, suggesting that our M failure is pretty much all my fault.
I'm just guessing here, of course. I can understand how my W might be compensating the feeling that I am trying to be always right, by trying to now make me always wrong (at fault for our M problems). As mentioned, I can't read minds and this is likely irrelevant for me, anyhow.
So my reaction in my dream of shutting down has become a norm.
I have never been great at conflict, although I feel much less capable or willing to deal with conflict right now. Perhaps a fear of some sort. Worth investigating.
I need to work on being less reactive and more willing to have uncomfortable conversations at the moment. Yes, I understand that's not entirely necessary. But if I'm less reactive, then I will be more comfortable, meaning that I don't have to run away and regroup. Again, neither here nor there, but a good skill to have.
Just need to do it in a way that still allows me to be in life, rather than guarded from life...
Hi KD - I'm alright, thanks for checking in! I felt like no one followed me over when I switched forums, plus it's really more of the same, just like you guys said!
We're staying with my parents and visiting family this week.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Yes, AJM... More of the same. Good to hear your are doing OK and GALing as you can!
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Of course I never wished my canuck family here a happy Canada Day! So consider this belated wish!
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I am spending this long weekend working through what I want.
I am revisiting my M from beginning to now. Taking a good, hard look at what attracted me to my W in the first place. Why I asked her to M me. How I behaved in the M in the early stages to how my participation in the M degraded. What I could have done differently.
I sit here at this time, wondering why I have been sad that my M is failing. What was I truly sad about? Was I sad because I feel my W rejected me? Was I sad because I believe my W feels I've rejected her? Was I sad because I felt I've failed to show my children what a successful M looks like? Something they could achieve in their own adult life? Perhaps I felt sad because I don't want to feel like I've let down my family, my W's family, our friends...?
Am I wanting to stay M because I don't want to "fail" in M? Did I really love my W or did I just choose to say I love my W in order to have what I wanted at that time in my life, which was to be M, to have children, to feel that connection with and acceptance by other human beings, the true love, that M brings?
Am I lying to myself, on the surface thinking that I love my W? But in reality, I am actually unwilling to say I was wrong, I lied, I never loved her. That I am unconsciously looking forward to D and that I have created this stich (ie. done my part specifically to get to this point) so that it can look like my W left the M rather than looking like the bad guy...
These are the things that I'm digging deep for, this weekend.
And also, regardless of what answers I come up with this weekend, to come up with some real decisions about what I want and setting some real goals as to what my future will look like.
"Conflict and anger are signs that your relationship is failing"
+ What are your thoughts/feelings about this?
- I see conflict and anger as an indicator that there is something in the R that needs to be addressed. It may not mean something needs to be "fixed, though.
+ What has your partner expressed to you?
- It's my belief that my W sees conflict and anger as an indicator of incompatibility. I come to this conclusion due to the last and most recent comment around this by my W who suggested, "We are just too different. We have different morals and ethics."
+ What is conflict like for you--intense and stressful? What are the signs in your body? Do you cry or do you get sick or are your muscles tight?
- Initially, I avoid. I may deny a problem or I may laugh it off. Eventually, I will choose to withdraw both emotionally and physically. IN the conflict, I am generally tense (tight muscles) and often anger creeps up. Rarely explosively (ie. yelling).
+ What is it like for your partner?
- I believe it is about the same for my W. I rarely experience my W in conflict with me. When there finally is conflict, it is usually with my W "yelling" at me. ie. "Hurry UP! We were supposed to be there X min ago" or something like that. That as an example, she will give verbal cues, and then get distracted by something and so it's difficult to see the anxiety come up until it explodes.
+What are your beliefs about conflict's impact on your marriage?
- Is conflict a major reason for the break down of my M? I suppose. In many ways it could be THE primary impact on any R. Or more so, the lack of conflict resolution tools and skills.
In other words, the more conflict is left unresolved, the more opportunity to use the unresolved conflict as "reasons" the couple is incompatible and the M should be terminated.
+ What are your beliefs about how conflict should be resolved?
- How should conflict be resolved? I supposed the best answer I believe would be immediately and directly. Although, that may not always be possible. I won't be ridiculous about this, but if it is unsafe to resolve conflict at the moment, conflict should be resolved as soon as possible.
+ How do YOUR beliefs differ from your partner's beliefs?
- I do not know what my W believes regarding this, although I do know that my W stews on things for a long, long time. And even if I believe that a conflict has been resolved, it does seem to pop up again in the future. If my W does attempt to resolve conflict immediately or as soon as possible, it is very possible that I am not recognizing the "signs" to understand she is wanting to discuss conflict.
I would explain it this way, by her words: "If you had only paid attention, you would know I was unhappy."
+ How are each of your beliefs getting in the way of OR helping your marriage (if this is a strength of yours)?
- I will only speak on my beliefs. And while I think my beliefs are sound regarding conflict resolution, I find it much easier to say than to do. I do need to become better at recognizing conflict and then addressing it in a timely and appropriate manner.
