Hi everyone, I havent posted in 3 months or so. Been trying to do whatever to say this marriage. Its not working. This is day 2 of a complete breakdown for me. Its been 7 months since H left and 5 months since he filed. There is an OW involved who is out of state. He is there now I would bet my life on it.
Why cant i let go? He has cheated. Not just once. He has lied so many times. He got caught this time and decided to walk away. He wants things finalized very fast. I dont. We have no communication except for texting and its very general. I have read Michelle's books over and over. I have seen a DB coach. I have applied all the techniques. I really dont think this is going to be saved. The relentless, hopeful keeps holding on but i think thats why i hurt so much. I have tried to GAL. But frankly I dont want a different life. My H walked away without looking back. He does not want therapy. He says nothing is wrong with him. He has lost all contact with his children. We have 3 adult children who are out of the house. They want nothing to do with him and they always had a great relationship with him. He set boundaries with them about what he would and would not talk about since he has left. He made rules and unless they went along they were not going to have communication. They think this is absurd. THey know what happened. They want answers. He is avoiding any mistake he has made and keeps running from speaking the truth. We have been together for34 years and married 29. There were ups and downs and most married couples experience. I had suspected he cheated before. Of course he always denied it. Why do I want this man. Im afraid right now. Its a holiday weekend and he is with her doing things we would be doing. It hurts so much. When he is not with her (which i believe he visits her once a month) he has started to get chatty on texting. Its very general but something new. Before there was nothing. Is it wrong that i feel more animosity toward this OW than him. I dont hate him. I dont know why. Please anyone out there can you help. I know you all have been through this and understand the rollercoaster. Thank you.
I'm sorry that you are finding yourself here. I know you don't want a different life, but if you consider that statement in the context of posting here - you actually do, even if right now its the idealized notion of what you thought you had before. There is nothing that might be good for you to do? Even if its just a class or something like that? Do you like movies? Food? Walking?
What kind of personality do you have? Different people have different drives and different things that will get them going - what works for you might be different from what works for me - finding gratification in doing something isn't going to close the door on your H, and refusing to be engaged or gratified isn't going to draw him back. So - why not find something that is enjoyable and even gets your mind off the situation a little?
Eating alone at a restaurant can be a little weird, but if you sit at the bar its not bad.
Right now, your H is simply not able to confront himself or the people he is hurting. This is not your fault. I don't know why he is doing what he is doing - but it does sound a little MLC at first glance. Perhaps someone with more experience in that area could chime in and contribute their hard earned wisdom.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
My H will never confront himself or the people he is hurting. In fact he has stated he hates confrontation so instead he runs away or puts in away and never deals with it. He probably still would be here to day if he didnt get caught having OW. He didnt know what to do so he left. I was the blame for everything. I dont know if its a MLC or not. I just need to find sense in all of this so i can cope. I know what he did was wrong. I know he lied but yet i hold on to hope. I just wish there was someway he find forgiveness if for no one but himself.
My man doesn't like confrontation at all, I have learned to make it completely nonthreatening and let him have his escape. This is innate in many men--the anxiety, anger or whatever they feel is physical and overwhelming. I don't know that that piece can ever be changed.
You probably already do that, since you've been together a very long time and you seem to have a wonderful heart.
I don't know what you've tried per your coach's recommendations or what the results were...if you'd like help, just post what you've tried.
I'm more concerned about you, your loneliness and pain. He's self-medicating. And you don't seem desperate, but I hate to see you hurting. What can you do this weekend to bring you joy?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Ok, Rue, I looked back at some of your more recent posts--and I noticed FooFighter999 gave some advice, that I believe will be great for YOUR situation (not all). I don't believe in ALL of his advice so I'm listing what he wrote
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You have 3 thing there to work on. Firstly do not confront him with what he has done, stick to db rules on that.
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Secondly agree with him that the marriage was no good - validation.
Sort of--just listen, some pieces of the marriage weren't good. Just don't contradict him.
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Thirdly, reject him. Get a life and make sure he knows about it. Act as if and act happy.
Gonna have to fake it til you make it. FF thinks you should date. That's not a DB recommended principle, and it can seriously backfire. I don't recommend that, but be so happy your H misses you. And 'reject' him. Not in a mean, angry way, that will backfire. But don't pick up on his calls, if he wants to see you for something, you're busy, you don't have time till a week or so later.
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...but ultimately you want to make him see that you can manage quite well without him. My W did this to me 15 years ago and, trust me, I was back like a shot. Most men are indeed stupid when they think they are about to lose something that is not on their terms
FF999
priceless
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so painful and the best medicine we can really give you is to say that it will get easier. It will, I promise, but I know that is cold comfort.
Beyond that I give you what little advice I can. It really comes down to two things, really just one, gather your wits. This can be done two ways. First, realize that two lives that spent 34 years coming together, can't be torn apart over night. What ever happens, it will take a long time. My 4 year marriage, has taken a year to end, and it really isn't over. Embrace the time knowing that he isn't going anywhere; at least not fast. I know it is easier said than done, but it can be. Next, set a goal. For me it was exercise. I cannot stress enough how good this has been for me. For you, maybe it is something else, but find a goal (art, music, reading, running, dancing, anything) and achieve it. You will feel good about yourself, and when one does that, the battle is half over.
Good luck and god speed.
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
sgctxok, Thank you for writing. He has just walked away with no valid reasons. Yes i heard i didnt appreciate him, i called him a baby, i never asked him about his job, etc... all those fixable things. He is moved on i believe. He has found someone (whom by the way used to date 36 years ago) that says is so nice. She is out of state. He goes atleast once a month to visit. I dont know this man. He wont talk on the phone. Like I said previously he will text buy only general info. When he is sick he will call one of our kids who he has not talked to in 7 months and not call me. My kids refuse to talk to him. As far as DB techniques...I have gone dark. It didnt seem to matter. Ive done the 180 it didnt seem to matter. I just think he is totally done. We have a pre trial hearing in august. I asked him to please slow this process down because it is so overwhelming and of cours it is something i dont want. He texted me the other day and said he would like to have it finished that day because he needs to know is financial situation because he will need to find another place to live before december. He currently lives with a male coworker and his family. Then he told me he was quitting his job but just bought a new car. He has avoided our home completely. He will not help with any maintenance at all. He is made that I had the locks changed back in January and he just cant get past that. In fact he was quite angry and he never gets angry. Nothing makes sense. I will say I was doing better. I have had some good days, and weeks. But since last friday it has turned to complete sadness and depression. Maybe its because I know he is with her and before he left he was really chatty with me via texting. If I didnt have the D papers in the picture and this was just a separation I think I could deal better. Thank you for saying you think I have a big heart. I think I do to. I am the first to admit I didnt do everything correctly in our marriage. In fact I know I didnt but I accept the mistakes and have corrected them. How do I make him see that? I know this man loved me. I know he was happy with me. We were a close family. He has not always been faithful. Of course he always denied any allegations but I know he was. This time he got caught and didnt know what to do so he left. He doesnt know how to begin to face everyone even if he thought about coming back. I told him there is help for that. That it would take time but it could happen. As far as I go...yes i am so sad. The saddest Ive ever been. To think he is probably watching fireworks tonight with her and not here tears my heart open. I just wish I could get him through the door of a therapist and see where it would go. Thank You so much for chatting with me. I do appreciate it so much.
NotFromThesePart, Thank you for writing back. I think this is going to end quickly. I believe thats what he wants. We have a pre trial hearing with the judge in August. I dont know what that entails. I dont know what happens on that date. I know the lawyers have been talking about a settlement but I dont want it to be at that stage. My H told me he wants things settled on the pre trial date. Im so scared. I dont want this. I hold onto hope and I dont know why. He has cheated on me, not once, he has lied. Why do I want this? But i do. Ive asked him to please slow this D process down. He said he needs to figure out where he will live so he wants it to be over in August. I cant handle that. How do you slow it down? I have set some goals. I got a part time job. I've joined a support group. But still Im having such a hard time. I feel like I have been dooped all these years. That this was all a joke. Thank You so much for writing back. If you could continue I would appreciate it. Happy 4th to you.
