This morning I took my wedding ring off. I feel naked and vulnerable without it. But I felt that it was something I needed to do.....for myself.
I was thinking about H this morning. H has a new job, new place to live, new car and new partner.
I am still in the same job, same place, same car and well.....no partner. So why am I wearing a ring? A ring symbolizes that you are committed to someone in marriage. Clearly I am not in a committed marriage.
I am not saying that I am done. Im just moving forward. Ive left the door open but Im also open to walking through other doors.
What I am doing is finding me. Getting to know me all over again. What do I like? What do I want? Where do I want to be? Ive enrolled in a few classes lately: * Piano lessons - always wanted to play as a child * Tennis - played a little as a kid but gave up * French - always wanted to learn as a teenager
Im really excited about these new adventures. And maybe one day Ill be with a partner who finds them exciting too.
Have a good day everyone.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
I thought about him last night. I thought about the fact that had we still been together we would have been celebrating his new job appointment. But instead he is probably out with OW celebrating.
My friend at work saw I was upset and took me to the shops this morning. She went into an underwear shop. It almost made me want to cry. I had visions of OWs underwear that I found in Hs apartment. Being in the shop made me think about sex and the fact that Im not with anyone and H is having sex with OW.
I just hate this. I really hate this. It hurts so much. The betrayal and lost of love and trust. I am in so much pain today.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Sorry today is tough. You are going to have bad days. Are you seeing an IC to help you cope with all the trauma's that you are going through? - 'cause let's face it, you are coping with horrible trauma at a macro level (entire relationship in crisis) and then there are all the little trauma's that overwhelm us. .. i.e. OW underwear etc.
Quote:
I just hate this. I really hate this. It hurts so much. The betrayal and lost of love and trust. I am in so much pain today.
Yep - it sux. Remember though, it sux today. It sux now. That doesn't mean it's always going to be like that.
I was talking to a friend last night whose wife left him 12 months ago. He was absolutely devastated. She not only left him, but moved with their children from one end of the state to the other. He moved too because he wanted to be with his children – but it uprooted his entire life. He DB’d like a champion – from the heart. He followed all the rules and it helped him sufficiently detach to start to remake his life. He was saying last night that he mentioned to her 12 months is coming up and she should do something about the divorce. She said “oh, I don’t think I can do that now … that’s too much for me” and they’ve started dating again.
He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to rebuild the trust and put aside the betrayal, but I think he’ll be prepared to do it for his family (they’ve got 2 kids) … but the point of the story is – this time last year he was a mess, broken in despair and hopeless. 12 months later, he’s dating casually, he’s just come back from a dream trip to a big important motor cycle event in the UK, he’s doing really well at work … and his MLC/WAW is finally realizing what she’s given up … all of a sudden the ball is squarely in his court. Things change – and just because today is tough … doesn’t mean this is how it’s going to be forever – or even until this afternoon.
There is no communication between H and I atm. He dropped S3 off on Sunday and didnt utter a single word. A smile and off he went. My mum opened the door and waved to him. I didnt even ask her if he waved back.
He told me last week that he wont be able to do the Wednesday family nite because of where he works now. Its too far away and he is not able to leave early like his last place of work. Im very glad in a way. I think the time away from him will give me strenght again. And it may just make detachment a little easier. I realise it is incredibly hard now but I know I will get stronger.
Ive been thinking alot lately. Dont we all. And my friends have been helping me jog my memory abit. H has been pretty selfish throughout our marriage. He even admitted it straight after he left. He bought S3 a gift and said he realised that he was selfish and was becoming less so. Lately Ive been recalling some of the selfish things that he did and I cant believe why I never pulled him up on it. An example was on our first wedding anniversary. H didnt even buy me a card. I was absolutely guttered. I cried and he apologised. He said he would take me out but said he was hopeless with gifts. He said if I told him what I wanted then he would go out and get it. But the fact he didnt even buy me a card or book a restaurant really upset me. I had bought him a card, gift and organised an outing. The rest of our anniversaries, birthdays, christmas' have been much the same. No gifts or cards or outings booked. I felt like he didnt much care about me only about himself.
I know its wrong of me to think so but Im pretty mad that he spent all his money with OW. He has taken her out on 2 holidays already and they go shopping every weekend. It makes me mad and hurt that he spends his money on her but couldnt even buy me a birthday, christmas or anniversary present. This makes me feel that I am not worth as much as OW.
Do you think he will realise what a jerk he was to me? After all that I gave and gave up for him. Do you think he will ever regret what he has done?
Last night S3 said "Mummy, Daddy said he missed you". I asked him who said that. He said daddy did. But im not sure if I can trust what he says, after all he is only 3.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Just received a text from H: "just confirming that I am picking up S3 on Thursday"
WTF? We hadn't confirmed anything! H wanted S3 to spend 2 nights with him on 1 week, then 1 night the following. We discussed it a little and I said I would think about it. And now he just assumes he can do what suits him. Hell no!
Here's my reply: " Hi H, we have not decided what the new arrangements would be. You had asked me to think about what I would like to do. At this point I am still thinking about it.
If you would like to discuss/propose new custody arrangements please make arrangements to have a discussion with a mediator present. I will not communicate this topic with you via SMS"
grrrrr......selfish man!
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
H: Red, Please dont rush into any rash decisions. I would like the opportunity to see my son and what I have proposed Thursday to Saturday each second week, to me is not unreasonable. It is about what is in our sons best interest - not ours, please remember that.
M: I have always done what is best for S3. I will always do what is best for S3. I have accomodated you. I have been reasonable with you. This is no longer about you. I am open to your suggestions regarding S3. I am happy to have a discussion as long as a mediator is present and we can then make more formal arrangements.
Texts from this morning:
H: Red, I have thought about this all night. Please think very carefully about telling me to make formal arrangements through a mediator. I think it is completely unnecessary. If formal arrangements are what you want then I am happy to accomodate this. I will be asking for 50%. It is not meant as a threat, just what I think is fair. I have the means to look after S3 on that basis particularly with my new employment. If that is what you want then ok but I am certain that it isnt. Please let me know one way or the other because I am keen to be more involved with him.
M: Why dont you read your last statement H. This is about what is best for S3. Is claiming 50% in S3s best interest? If you think it is then go ahead. I have in no way made any threats towards you. It would however appear that you are doing so towards me.
H: I think it is in his best interest to have both parents equally and on that basis I need to see him more. He wants it too. The only way that this will work is if he stays with me on a more regular basis. It doesnt have to be so hard between us. You just need to let go a little. I am not going to take him off you
M: I have always wanted you involved H. I have never said you would take him off me. Please do not put words in my mouth. What I want is a more concrete agreement between us. You have changed your mind on our previous agreements. S3 needs consistency. The need for a mediator is to ensure we communicate in an effective manner regarding what is in the best interest for S3
H: Fine. Obviously getting a mediator involved is a big step. Given he is off to school next year, I want the consistency starting now so he has time to adjust
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
I'm not sure that I have any good advice about how to deal with this difficult issue - except to say, make sure you get clear about what buttons he's pushing here.
I got the impression from your first post - that what you are really upset about is that he is chopping and changing arrangements, at a whim, and by text.
It would seem reasonable for you to want to discuss those arrangements face-to-face or at least over the phone rather than by text ... however, if this is a one-off, does it matter? Is it worth dying in a ditch over.
The threat of 50% custody is interesting. If he doesn't like having the car seat in the car, goodness knows how he's going to go with 50% time!!! (little laugh)
You did seem a little bit defensive in your texts – and I SOOOO understand that. But, sometimes, less is more, and sometimes you collect more bees with honey than with acrid smoke.
What I would do is backtrack a little bit. Perhaps call him and say, lightly, and with a smile in your voice, something to the effect of “wow, that got out of control quickly. Look H, this is tough stuff for me. I am defensive about it for a whole range of reasons, but mostly because I would like some certainty and consistency for S3 and me. It would be great if we could figure out a way to communicate with each other about S3 that takes into account his needs and both of our schedules. I’d prefer not to do this stuff by text, because there’s too much room for miscommunication. I mentioned a mediator, because I’m feeling a bit powerless in this parenting relationship at the moment and sometimes it feels to me like it’s all your way. I understand that’s my perception and perhaps not yours, but we are talking about our son here, and as you point out – he deserves the best of both of us.”
Do you think the 50% custody thing is something he really wants, or something he knows will push your buttons – his comment about “I know you don’t want that” is telling – because who the heck is he to know what you do or don’t want??
Just look after yourself girl. Remember too that you don’t need to respond to him immediately when he texts. You could ignore them, or just shoot back a quick one to the effect of – thx for SMS. Let’s talk. I’ll be available to chat at X time tonight. ???
I don’t know Red … go with your gut, try to take some of the emotion out of it, try to be rational and calm in your discussions and remember that you are a super-fine-sister – and whatever happens , you are going to be OK.
(((chin up))), V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Red - I just re-read your post and notice your H said "getting a mediator involved is a big step" twice. Interesting.
I wonder why he thinks that?
When couples separate the generally accepted advice in family dispute resolution is that the first step should be for the couple to have a couple of sessions with a Family Centre that Relationships Australia are funded to run. They assist the couple with figuring out all the things that need to be figured out (custody arrangements; financial separation; better communication mechanisms etc).
It’s not a big step and it’s not a big deal. It’s a process by which you guys can both feel safe to figure out the logistics of your separation.
Why don’t you give them a ring and have a yarn to them about what low-key, appropriate support is available.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
And when he said "dont rush into any rash decisions"??? Very strange since I told him I was still pondering the new custody arrangements.
Not sure why he thinks a mediator is a big step. To me it sounds logical.
I have arranged to see a lawyer tomorrow to find out my rights.
I was defensive in my responses. But when it comes to S3 I think any mother would be the same. To want to uproot a child is so uncessary and selfish. It is never in the best interest of a child to take then away from a family they have been with for most of their lives only to be put into day care so that their dad can have the satisfaction of having them 50% of the time.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
