Anytime you say anything, followed by but....you need to take a closer look at what you're really saying. There is a big difference between being defensive in your responses, and being on the defense with your actions. I think Walking had a good point about getting more bees with honey. You don't have to be negative and acrid in your statements in order to be firm about what you want. It's a fine line yes. Instead of repeating over and over that you want a mediator, when your H disussed the arrangements again you could have said "Hi H, I think it's great we will able to get something more defined for S sake. Do you have an appt set up yet with a mediator yet so we can take care of this ASAP?" Telling an MLCer "I will always do what's best for S" can, in an MLCer's mind be considered an attack and a threat. It can be seen as saying, " you don't do what's right for S, I do, and I will make sure he stays with me as much as possible". I know you didn't mean it that way. It's unfair, but we often have to watch the way we say things lest things go ridiculously awry. Just be careful. Texts can be saved forever and can come back to bite you in the butt....
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
This is just an outsider view of how the text exchange between you and you H about S came off.
To me, it sounded like you were using H wanting more time with S3 as a punishment to your H. Your anger about H's choices and actions came through loud and clear.
Do I understand this? Yes. Do you feel that if H wanted to do what is in the best interest of S that he should have never left home in the first place?
Do you not trust H to care for your son properly while he is with him? Is S3's safety a concern? If any of this is in question, then by all means, do what you have to do.
I'm going to tell you what I think may happen. If you let your H have your S more, after a bit the newness of caring for him for extended periods will wear off. H will get a real taste of how much work it is caring for a young child. How confining it is to have to meet someone else's needs before your own and how you just can't pick up and go whenever you want. I believe you will get more and more excuses from H as to why he can't take S as much.
Getting a mediator involved will set the schedule that has to be followed for when your H gets S. It will also set the schedule for you, too.
I believe H views the mediator as a 'legal move' and it's threatening to him, therefore he's using going after S 50/50 as a threat to you. Let me ask you this? In your country is getting a mediator involved possibly considered as a first step toward D, or is it entirely a separate issue?
Examine where all this is coming from Red. Make sure you are making decisions about S solely in his best interest.
This is not meant to be a 2 x 4. I truly understand where you're coming from. I've been there myself. Nothing like this crap that makes a Mama Bear want to come out swinging.
Just a little different perspective to think about, Red. I truly think you're doing great in handling a difficult situation.
Just received the below email from MIL. Suggestions on how to respond?
Hi Red, Been thinking about how you are going. H said he thought you had been feeling lonely. Just wanted to let you know we are here for you if you want to talk or catch up. Maybe a Bay Walk or coffee whenever you are ready? I am going to start a walking group around 'Sydney" once a month. Let me know if you would like to be part of it. I will be away for a week from Friday as will BIL. I am off to Victoria while BIL is going to NZ skiing. Look forward to catching up soon, just let me know. Love MIL and FIL
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
I find it strange that your H leaves you, and then tells his M that he thinks you're lonely???
Just tell her you've been very busy living your life! You'll catch up with her when you get a chance. When/if you do talk to her, make sure to keep it light with no H or R talk. Don't give her specifics of what you've been doing, and do not give her the impression that you're lonely. DBing is not just for our spouses!
Just keep in mind that everything you say will get back to your H.
It has been a trully awefull week for me. Had a massive fight with H last night.
It started with him asking me how the school interview for S3 went. I told him it went well and I received an offer on the spot. S3 did an amazing job and passed all the test with flying colours. The principal said he was an exceptionally bright child and they would be happy for him to attend the school.
H said that it wouldnt matter if he got accepted because he wouldnt allow it - he wont sign the papers. H insisted that he will be attending the school he attended as a child. This school is almost an hour from my house and quite difficult for me to get to seeing as I catch the train to work everday. We ended up having a massive argument where H stated that I promised that S3 could go when he was first born. H stated that he was going to file for 50% and his last sentence was "you'd better get yourself an effen good lawyer Red!"
I cried most of the night. No sleep. Mum came in the morning and we spoke at lenght. She advised that I need to back off as she was worried about H's frame of mind. She was worried about him harming S3 and the potential psychological damage that could be done with all the tension and fighting.
Mum said if you love S3 its not about winning its about making sacrifices to ensure he is safe. You may have to make peace with H to ensure S3 is not being pushed and pulled.
I looked at S3 - he has been showing signs of distress lately. He has been biting his fingernails and worst of all biting his toenails to the point where they are bleeding
I do not want to hurt my son. I only want whats best for him. So I text H and apologised for the fight.
This is our correspondence from this morning:
H: Hi Red, Yes you’re right it did get out of control. I don’t know why but some stuff you said annoyed me. I do not see you as powerless at all. I see myself as the powerless one. You have him everyday except the one night per week he is with me. Red, he is our son and no matter what happens between us I would never want to have friction with you over him because it will no doubt affect him. Also we both should have the equal opportunity to guide him. No one party should be dominant. I truly believe he will be better off at X school and I would like you to go to the interview with me at the School. Transport and living arrangements are of course a consideration but they should not be determinative of where he goes to school. I have always wanted my son to go to my school. It is tradition which I want to continue and the same tradition I hope (and know) he will continue with his own son one day. I would like to see him spend a little more time with me. I am asking to pick him up on Thursday night at your place and give him back on Saturday afternoon, each second week. I don’t think that this is too much to ask as presently I only have him with me one night a week, which I feel is certainly not enough for a young man. Please consider this request and let me know as soon as you can.
M:Hi H, With regards to custody - I agree to your proposal. Below are the pickup and drop off times I propose: Week 1 Pickup: Thursday 6:00pm Drop off: Saturday 6:00pm Week 2 Pickup: Saturday 5:00pm Drop off: Sunday 5:00pm Please let me know if you are in agreement. With regards to schooling, I am happy to consider S3 attending X School. For me to consider this I would like for you to tell me your thoughts regarding transportation, living arrangements, fees, etc. I would also like for you to consider S3 attending Y School. Lastly, I think it would be nice for S3 to spend tonight and tomorrow night with you as he has not seen you all week. Let me know your thoughts. Red
H:Hi Red, Can we please not use the work custody or access. The Family Court has removed those words for a reason and they are slightly archaic. With regard to week 1, I agree to your proposal. With regard to week 2, I think that 5.00pm is too late to pick him up. He gets to mine and is not ready to go to sleep but also has no time to do anything. Perhaps this could be revised. I would love for him to spend the Saturday and Sunday nights at my place. We are probably going to Monster Park tomorrow morning for scooter lessons. I am going to the football Sunday afternoon. It starts at 2.00pm. I don’t know whether you want him back before or after.
M: Hi H, The 5:00pm pickup on Saturday is so that I get to spend a full day with him too. I think it is fair seeing as you have him all day Sunday. Can you clarify the Saturday and Sunday night request? I had thought you only wanted him to sleep over 1 night on week 2? If you would like for Locky to sleep over 2 nights on week 2 can you please let me know?
H: I am talking about this week because I haven’t seen him during the week, as per your suggestion. 5.00pm is agreeable. I think 2 nights a week permanently is a good move though. Do you have any suggestions?
M: H I am happy for you to have S3 2 nights per week. To give S3 consistancy can we agree to the same timetable as week 1? This way he gets used to the schedule and knows what to expect every week. The transition will make it alot easier if it is the same day/time each week. Weekly Schedule Pickup: Thursday 6:00pm Drop off: Saturday 6:00pm Let me know if you agree?
H: Red, I don’t know that that will work because Dad won’t get to see him at all. Let me have a think and I will try and get back to you today about it all.
M: No problem H. Please keep it in consideration that I would like to spend 1 full day with S3 on the weekend too. As a suggestion (just a thought) you could take S3 to visit his grandad on Saturday seeing as he doesnt need to be back till 6pm. Your dad would probably enjoy the visitors. Its just a thought. But I do think that consistancy plays a big part in all of this. That is why I am happy to have S3 stay with you 2 nights each week so he transitions easier. He is distressed and is showing signs.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
