Hi everyone, so much has happened in a yr. most of it not so good. After my husband ended his 4yr. affair last July 5th, I took him back. We've had a bad year trying to make it work. I just cant get over the betrayal. I still have had the feeling that he is in contact w/ her. I dont have concrete evidence, but just a feeling.
I know he's miserable. He says he's staying cause it the right thing to do, but know he wants out. He told me today after I begged for an honest answer about how he felt.
What should i do? throw in the towel? Try and bust again? Please advise. Thanks
M-43 H-44 M-16 T-19 S-10 S-8 left for OW 6/11/10 came back on 7/5/10 to present trouble in paradise again.... You know I'm a dreamer.........
Also, he says the spark isn't there for me anymore. He wants to go work on himself. I suspect he'll keep the ow on the down low for a a few months to a year and then say, "hey, look who I ran into" He's such a coward!
M-43 H-44 M-16 T-19 S-10 S-8 left for OW 6/11/10 came back on 7/5/10 to present trouble in paradise again.... You know I'm a dreamer.........
Hi everyone, so much has happened in a yr. most of it not so good. After my husband ended his 4yr. affair last July 5th, I took him back. We've had a bad year trying to make it work. I just cant get over the betrayal. I still have had the feeling that he is in contact w/ her. I dont have concrete evidence, but just a feeling.
WHat process did you two go thru before reconciling? Why did he come back? Why did you "take him back"?
From where I sit, with the little info I have
Sounds as if you did not let go of the affair though he said it was over and though you had no evidence.
Did you work on forgiveness and letting go? I think forgiveness/letting go is
essential and mandatory for ANY marriage to reconcile and be restored...
it's hard for a WAS to want to recommit when they fear the LBSer won't let go of the A,
or will throw it in their face every time they feel insecure or fight, OR hold it over their head like the sword of Damacles...
(NOT saying you did that
but if he feared you would, that matters too)
But obviously you did NOT let it go.
Likewise, It's hard for LBSers to know how to let A's go, or to move on or forgive
if they've never seen forgiveness modelled. (I never saw it growing up and had to learn how. It's not an overnight event, but a process).
What was different about your m this past year, than the m before?
Did you feel you had changed or he had, or both or neither?
How Did you DB before?
I know he's miserable. He says he's staying cause it the right thing to do, but know he wants out. He told me today after I begged for an honest answer about how he felt. Why did you press him for an answer?
How can you know if you forced an answer from him that he wasn't even sure of, versus getting "the truth"? Why weren't you satisfied with his first "non honest" Answer?
Are you unable to let things lie?
Many WAS who return to their families do not remain b/c they do NOT find constant temperature taking (asking for reassurances)
acceptable, AND b/c they do not themselves know how they feel
and constant questions from their spouse about how they feel NOW,
end up usually giving the LBSer the answer the LBSer does NOT want...
but the WAS feels cornered. Sometimes they give an answer to stop further questions
or to hurt....or to "decide"...even if it's not what either one actually wants. The LBSer who cannot live with uncertainty b/c it makes them afraid, frequently forces things to the point of bringing about the very thing they fear...,
Even when the WAS has come home and says the affair is over, there are some LBSers who
push the WAS back into the arms of the OP...NOT saying YOU did....but think about it.
You got your h back, he ended the A. You had NO EVIDENCE that the a had continued but you still ruminated....and what else? Did you nag?
Did you mistrust and snoop? Did you hold it over his head or throw it in his face when you two fought?
So you pressed and pushed him "for an honest answer" and he said he came back , b/c it's the "right thing to do"
...BUT now he wants out (is that now the right thing to do or what?)
how much of that, IF ANY, was you asking him for reassurances he simply wasnt' ready or able to give?
what might have been if you had let go of the A, and instead YOU worked on you, and you had committed to the M as if there had never been an affair
and didn't keep asking him for reassurances? Get a glimpse of what forgiveness looks like so he knows it's possible and then you two may have a chance.
But iS that even what you want? How old are your kids? How long have you been m?
What would YOUR H SAY are the problems inside the m? And your opinion?
Have you changed since the A?
We need more info to know how to help you...
What should i do? throw in the towel? Try and bust again? Please advise. Thanks
Need more info...see above questions...^^^
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Or sometimes, your gut really is correct, and there's something going on.
I'd suggest a good FT (family therapist), Seanna -- one with extensive experience in dealing with infidelity. There are specific things (transparency, etc.) that a formerly-wayward spouse can do to make the betrayed spouse feel more secure in the marriage, and reduce the anxiety. And similarly, as 25 says, the therapist can take steps to make sure you're not "lording it over" your husband for his past infidelity, and they can help you deal with your feelings of paranoia if they feel they are unreasonable.
BOTH parties really need to work hard at recovering from the past infidelity. With a professional who's trained in it, it's extremely hard to successfully navigate those waters.
When you took him back, was there ever a "no-contact" letter sent to his OW? Did your husband agree to a transparency plan with you?
