Somewhere between filing and pre-trial

[direction1]

As the title suggests, I'm in a kind of an in-between zone with WAW. She has made definite steps toward her mission;

moved with kids to new house and community, new bank accts., etc., etc. They are currently on 2-week vaction with in-laws.

I'm living with cousin looking for more work. Yep, kicked when down..but not for long. Coming out of my fog, staying dim because of kids, and GAL.

What a soul-searching period of time that I KNOW everyone on here can relate to. So intense and profound. Ups and downs, fear of the unknown, detaching then attaching again and again.

I still have difficulty with going dim because that may be seen as more of the same behavior, however, I poured it on heavy when we separated and she had nothing to do with it. There is no A on either end. My suspicions of her were just that and did not check out.

I miss the kids not seeing them daily and this vacation is really hard to be away for two week. [censored], man.

Curious if there are any other things I should be doing when at the beginning or pre-trial? Continue dim? Act as if, GAL. Anything else?

[luvmyhubby]

D,
I dont have any suggestions about the D. You mentioned that your W moved to a new community, and house etc.
How often do you normally get to see the kids?
How are you when you see each other?

I know the kids being away seems like you are left adrift with no wind for your sail. However, remember that this is good for you to focus on yourself. Do you have any plans that you can make or things to do to keep yourself busy? Even if it is going for a walk or going to a late movie etc. Find something that makes you feel good about yourself and do it as much as you can.
To continue dim or not? Im not an expert on anything for sure except what not to do I guess.. Are you seeing any results from being dim? Are you consistent with being dim?

I say this because I was doing well and then backslid. I was not getting looked in the eye again after that. Now Im more consisten with my behavior and im getting positive results. To the effect that we can now have a conversation while he sits on the couch and he looks at me. Now of course this is small and means nothing has changed, but it does mean something to the kids i think.
Good luck on your path! Remember that even though you are on a rocky, thorny and slippery road you will be better in the end no matter the outcome.

[direction1]

Thanks L. I see the kids 3 times/wk. on the average. Intereacting in person with w is usually prtty positive. She is always very nice in person..but not so nice via phone.email, text.

However, we have not had an arguement since late May. I've been gong to the gym again, walks in the park, looking for more work/new jobs, accepting more invitations socially.

Something I have noticed in myself when dim I tend to be curt/Snide, quick lipped. Not always, but have noticed that. Need to be happier when in her presence no matter what's going on.

You can read a few back posts for more background. It's a crazy trip..

[KenF]

keep GALing.

legally, ask your lawyer what you need to do. protect yourself.

speaking from experience, being overly generous will only buy you regret. instead be fair, but stand strong for yourself. only agree to something when you really agree with it.

see your kids as often as possible. the visitation schedule you create now can act as the basis for the future.

get as much of your kids as possible. if more than 50/50 then great.

[direction1]

Thanks Ken. My attorney has things covered very well. In fact, I have been keeping them at bay for the most part because they are ready to "make her pay" as they say.

Obviously, I'm DBing even through mediation/pre-trial. The kids visitation is fine for now as w won't hold them from seeing me. However, I did request 50/50 and I know she doesn't want that. The barrier is...i need more income to provide and buy a house since I've been living with relatives since separation.

Previously, I had/have a consulting business which was agreed supplemental income the past couple years until all kids were school age. Then, ramp up. Now, this is one of the many things w uses against me even though she sudggested this.

I know, I know, WAW's like to rewrite history.

[hoswald]

I'm at the same place, d1, and almost the same timeline. It's wretched. I've gone almost totally dark and it's not helped much. The no-fault state laws mean she'll be walking away with a TON; the only chance I would have is to convince her to take less, but not only is that not likely I don't even know how to talk with her now.

So I'm just battening the hatches and riding it out, I guess. Work on yourself as others have said. This is the cruelest joke life has ever played on me, and you probably feel the same way.

I've talked to enough people to know it gets better, and I can even see glimmers of it. But man--it's hard to believe when it feels like you're walking around with a lead fist clutching your heart.

[direction1]

OS-
I guess there's a bit of comfort knowing there are others (you/I) that have empathy for each other. It is a living hell and the biggest test, if u want to call it that, of my life.

Really liked what I read yesterday- pehaps this crisis is disguised as an opportunity for self growth and development. I really want to believe this, you know?

GAL, does help and for you and I, siNce it came down on us so heavy, so hard, and so fast, patience is going to teach us and we will learn...but it still blows!

[Bworl]

My wife has an Uncle who likes to pop in unannounced for visits occasionally on weekends. She was quite close to her Aunt who passed away a year or so ago, but she was never very close to her Uncle (I believe it was a late in life marriage).

He went so far as to actually enter the house on his own one time when we didn't answer the door, because he saw the cars in the drive and was sure we were home.

Needless to say, we tolerate his visits at best.

I am polite, respond directly to questions directed at me. I attempt to follow the conversation and nod in the appropriate places. And I mentally prepare for reasons to end the visit if he appears to be staying too long.

I probably don't sound very nice...sheesh.

The message is that THIS is how you interact with a spouse when you are going dim.


Now it's harder with a spouse in a situation like yours, because there is hurt and anger behind our dimness.


But it can be done.


As far as my wife's Uncle knows, I am a polite fellow who allows him the courtesy of a visit every once in awhile. I've never been rude, but I've also never extended great invitations for more of a relationship to him.


Works for us.


Blessings,

Bill

[direction1]

Great story, B and a useable example, thanks.

[KenF]

great. Lawyers will protect you when you roller coaster.

there will be times you just want to give it all away to make the pain stop, or frustration makes you want to just say "F-it, here, take it all".

these will be regretted later.

its a negotiation. you can do everything outside of court if you can negotiate. you dont even need lawyers, but i would never go that route.

besides child support, much of what is awarded is by guidelines or what is considered the norm, not some set law.

if you can negotiate not giving anything, then thats what the court will accept. so while you might feel you'll have to give it all away, its not necessarily true.

whatever method works, email is great as it provides a papertrail. make low offers, counter with offers etc. same as you'd negotiate for buying something.