wife firm on divorce or not?

[billly]

wife moved out with kids 3 months ago. married for 16 years , wife firm on divorce and wont consider counceling. I was a very neglectfull husband and father for many years and changed to late. my wife and I have had a very strained relationship due to custody battles and finance issues,all that has settled down for now. we are to a point where we are emailing 5 times a day and she even called me on the phone today. all talk is only concerning the kids with some joking around. I feel like something drastic must happen to change her mind. whats my next move?

[MHL]

Hey Billy,

Can you give us any more details, maybe some more specifics on....

I was a very neglectfull husband and father for many years and changed to late.

Why do you think you were neglectful???

Tell us about it, and tell us how you have changed......

guess what I already know about your situation????

You have TIME......

because this stuff takes time.

Have you read Divorce Remedy yet?

It sounds like things were quiet but now the contact has increased and some of the anger has disapated (sp).

This is good but not neccessarily a green light to start having romantic dinners together yet......

tell us more.

cheers

[MHL]

Hey Billy,
Just saw your other posts.....

Okay, in most situations I would tell most new posters to disengage........that is not the case with you.

When you are talking to your W, and you say that all you have to talk about is the past.

Just listen........

but next time stop remembering the events through your eyes.....

try to remember the events, the words, the moments through her eyes.

You are letting you perspective on the your common past influence your feelings about what is going on today.

It is TIME to start loving your W without regards to what you want, what you need, what you desire.......

The next time you talk with her, Validate what she is saying...

it kinda goes like this.

W, I hear what you are saying and up until now I had a different perspective on that.......I now understand how you felt in that situation.

THUMP

that was your W's jaw hitting the floor.

Start thinking like that, take out how you feel, what you want and truely think about her feelings.........see what happens.

Do that consistently for the rest of your life and guess what????

You will be a better person, a better father, a better friend and maybe one day a better husband.

Hope this helps

Cheers

[billly]

I was very neglectful because I always believed it was my role to work as much as I could and focus on my career and my wifes role to take care of the kids. I figured my family would always be there, I was wrong. I didn't realize what I was missing or how much my kids and my wife needed me. It took my wife walking out the first time for me to understand this. At that point I did change drastically, I did everything I could to be the best father and husband. I got involed in my kids lives I spent more time with my wife ,dinners, vacations, alot more talking, alot more sex, but I feel like I was too late because my wife had already given up and her resendment was too great. How do you heal these old wounds? and yes I have read divorce remedy , it was great.

[alamo76]

Billy, you've likely heard this a lot and will continue to hear this around here: Only time will heal wounds. While this is going on, YOU have to be continuously and actively working on YOURSELF. You made the decision to change after your wife walked out the first time, so the idea is to keep it going, okay?

Keep improving, keep it real, keep praying (if you're religious; I am) and keep on truckin'.

Welcome to the site, BTW. There are a lot of great people here with different backgrounds and experiences, and who are at different parts of the "process", so you won't be in short supply of support or resources.

[billly]

I am most definitely working on myself.I'm giving 200% of my attention to my children and i'm sure my wife thinks it's a show but the truth is I miss my kids and I am having fun with them. what else can I do? something new this week, my wife told me she was very stressed about money and didn't think she could pay her rent this month. she asked me to help her out,I told her I would. I hope she conciders this a act of kindness and is not just using me. another thing she told me yesterday was that she had something to do on friday night but she said it 3 times.I know she was baiting me to ask her where she was going but I ignored her.Why is she doing this? she has been dead aganist reconciling. why is she trying to make me jealous? it's working, I didn't say anything but it's driving me crazy. How should I play this?