My H moved out 3 years ago. I can't even believe I am writing "3 years ago"...........he's been a part of my life for 30, but "gone" for 3. I still love him. We are still married, but only in a legal sense. I know that he is done - but still unable to file. He was done in the beginning - when he first said that he was, but I couldn't or wouldn't believe it.
It still feels wrong. I still don't believe that any of this is right. He isn't the person I always believed him to be, but he is who he is now. That is what I accept.
I still feel cast aside, like it was me that wasn't good enough to want to stay and do the work for. I wish that I didn't. I wish that my heart could believe what my brain tells me, but this is where I am still stuck.
I think that he has reconnected with old friends and his mother. In the beginning of all of this his mother would contact me and we would talk, but no more. In the beginning she felt just as abandoned as I did, and she sympathized with me. She doesn't call the house to talk to me or the kids anymore and mails cards to them at his address. Mail that I have sent goes unanswered. Our mutual friends that in the beinning seemed to understand what all of this meant to me and seemed to care about what was happening have stopped contacting me. I feel like I've lost my past. I've lost what I thought was my future, and am now living a life of uncertainty.
I've faced the fear of being alone and being on my own. I handle day to day well. My kids are still wonderful. I thank god daily for them. I have found a new faith that I didn't think I had.
I know that my marriage is over - and was over from the minute he decided that it was. I know that D will happen, and I accept that. I still feel incomplete. I still feel that all of this is wrong and not the way it should be.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Dear Starting over, I am new to this group, but not new to MLC. I've been dealing with my husband's mlc since (bd 6/2009, although his affair started in 2007. I don't respond much, but I had to respond to your post. It brought tears to my eyes. You expressed yourself so well. I can feel your pain and although my husband hasn't left, I can relate to what you are saying. I have been told he is leaving. I have felt the finality in those words. In many ways I have been living as if he is gone. I know I would always love him. I know I would have to accept it, but never get over it. Your last sentence says it all. I don't know what to say except, I am so sorry.
I think maybe you are looking at what was lost instead of what was gained...
A good friend of mine and I talked of this not too long ago...
That it is okay to admit that you missed what once was, and to not cheat the memories that had long since been rewritten....
To dismiss what was once a pretty dammed good thing, without giving it the proper perspective would make us no different than the batchitt crazy people we lamented about here are, or have become...
It is okay to admit that we miss those times, and that those times were good times in our life.
What it is NOT okay to do however....is to think that our time here, or DBing was a waste of our time, or best efforts.
Focusing on the past for too long, will allow us to become stuck in what once was, instead of recognizing the steps we have taken to rebuild our new lives looking forward....
Take the time to change your focal point and you will see new results...
Jack, Mach - No, I'm no pining away. I did for probably the first 6 months, but life doesn't allow for much of that. I live. I cope. I handle everything thrown my way when it hits......whether it be floods in the house, minor and major maintenance, 3 major surgeries for kids over the past 2 years or a graduating senior preparing for college. Emotionally I'm on my own with all of that, and it's hard. Very hard.
Any major changes in ME since 2007 or 2009? What have I done for me? I don't know. I'm still working on that. I went from being a stay at home mom and working part-time for H to a full time working mother. I've attempted different things to occupy my time....new hobbies.....I read more than I did. Mostly my focus is on my kids and doing for them when I'm not at work...or mowing grass or shoveling snow. My two younger kids play competitive ball, and if I'm not at a ballgame, or a practice, I play catch up. I think I'm more patient. I am more flexible than I used to be (not physically......)....not always by choice. I take things as they happen and roll with the flow. I survive. I was never "dependent" on H. I've always been able to do most everything that needed to be done, and that continues.
I don't pine away.......but I haven't actively tried to "find me, who I am and what I want for my future." I know I'm different. Heck, when I first came here I didn't think I could live without H. I didn't want to most days. Life with him was all I knew and ever wanted in my life. Now I know that I can survive, and I do go days without wishing he was back. Not weeks yet, but I'm sure I'll get there. I enjoy my kids. I do find happiness being a family of 4 (even though it feels wrong). I work to make their lives as normal as possible and as I prepare to send my oldest to college, I know my time with them isn't forever, so I will continue to put them first.
I work to be the best person I can be, which I think I've always done. Other than a few close friends, I've let H keep his "secret." I've worked to keep his relationship with the kids the best it can be, and at times it has been a struggle - but I believe it's important, and whether he wants my help or not - he gets it.
I remember early on when I wrote that I didn't know who I was without my H I was told how lucky I was to have the opportunity to find out. I still don't fee lucky. I do look forward, but nothing is in focus at this point......and my past looks cloudier every day.
"MY" marriage is over when I say it is? I don't know about that. I'll need some help on that one, because it seems pretty impossible to be married by myself. BUT I do still wear my wedding ring, so................
Mint- thanks for your kind thoughts. In a way I "knew" that if my H left our home he wouldn't be back, but I kept "hoping" for a very long time.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
i just wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone
my husband has been gone for 7 months and although i know he is not coming back (he is adamant) i keep going over and over scenarios in my head that lead him back to me
it still seems so wrong to me
he is coming over right now to tuck in our s and when he leaves, i will once again deal with my child asking why
i still love him deeply and i understand everything that you are going through
reach out for help when you need to
vent here when you need to
we will all listen
a great big hug to you through internet time and space
My heart is breaking for you. I am at the beginning of my journey with MLC (BD 5/15/11), H is still at home, but wanting to leave. I know the pain you feel, as do we all. But your posts sound like maybe you're fighting a little bit of depression. Have you contacted a therapist or doctor? I know I will never get over the loss of my H, but am hopeful I can recover and be the old me, the one who told God a week before I met my H that I would be okay if I were alone the rest of my life (and meant it). I believe God gives us our trials and tribulations for a reason, and I think he means for it to make you stronger and better for the future, but he doesn't mean for you to suffer needlessly. Please make sure you see a doctor, just to rule out anything medical that might be holding you back from finding your happy.
I don't know that marking time is the right description for where I've been. I have been on a journey. I have looked deep inside of myself, I have a very strong understanding of my role in all of this, and I think that is why I still feel a lot of guilt and regret about where we are now. Unfortunately I missed the opportunity to make the changes I needed to make before my H left. Now that he's gone, the changes I've made are for me and my kids. And, I know that's a good thing - no regrets for the time I've spent here.
There have been no major changes in me, but to quote TAMF in a recent thread: "I wouldn't say I am a different person now - just certain things about me have either been enhanced or changed." I am a different person than I was. I'm not perfect - never was, never will be. I am different becuase of what I've gone through, and what I've learned here.
I know there is more out there for me, and you are right - I am beginning to feel that now, but I have no direction or plan. I'm not marking time, but in some ways I am still in limbo....not married - but yet not divorced. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse, that's just where I am.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
