We have alot in common. My H moved out 3+ years ago and hasn't filed. I understand your statement about limbo. What would you be doing differently if you were D'd? I can tell you I don't feel like I'm in limbo anymore because of my answers to that question.
Dealing with all the emotional stuff that accompanies raising kids is tough. I know my d's and I have had a rough few years (aside from H leaving). I will tell you too that I get all the memories (good and bad) from this, he doesn't.
The convos I've had with my D's regarding some of the things in our lives has been remarkable. The Nietzsche quote about "That which does not kill you..." had a intersing outcome. It was decided that what works for us is more That which does not kill you, changes you. In order to make sure those changes are not negative, you have to be aware of yourself. I have tools that I use for this, as I'm sure we all do.
As far as direction or a plan, are you a goal/list maker? Make a map for your life. If you choose to let someone on the tour bus, that's up to you.
What would you be doing differently if you were D'd? I can tell you I don't feel like I'm in limbo anymore because of my answers to that question.
I would love to hear your answer..............for me....I don't think anything, but I would have a clearer vision of where I will be financially in the future...........
Lots to think about......
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
My finances will probably be in the toilet. Oh well, I guess I'd better build a raft.
Seriously, prison is my retirement plan.
Like you my answer is, that given the nifty little turn <cough, cough> my life has taken, I wouldn't be doing anything different if I was D'd. I plan for my future, get out some (D's at home and one is a minor) and take up things that interest me where I can.
The only thing I can't do is get married <hysterical laugh>.
Like you I had to get a full time job and b/c I don't have a degree (and clearly need one), I take classes in between everything else.
It may just be me....but I think my age factors into this mess with regards to fear. I'm 53. So, I know that alot of the thoughts I've had (that have scared the horsesh!t out of me), have to do with time, options etc.
I understand you have rediscovered your faith. For me, I use meditation (instead of prayer) and I'm pretty sure I would regardless. The benefits I have experienced are nothing short of amazing.
Wow I thought I was the only one. I am also approaching the 3 year mark. Aug 6 will be 3 years since husband moved out. No separation agreement and no mention ever of divorce. No other woman, wants to be alone. Blaming me for issues that should not in my opinion have caused separation. And says he'll probably be angry at me for the rest of his life. And just so you all know No OM not even close. Don't even know anyone that would be possible with. What is stopping them from divorce? I also feel like I was not good enough to save the marriage for.
Me50 H54 S18, SS28, SD30 M20yrs, Together 22 minus 2 Separated 8/06/08
My H has asked for D on at least 4 occasions.....via e-mail. The last was a demand that I get a L to "do our D." I retained an L to cover my bases, and to learn my options, but it is not "our" D and I will not initiate it. It's been a year and a half since I retained the L and am actually on my second....my first left private practice. So I've paid for and have endured 2 initial consults. Some days I feel like I'm just being stubborn and prolonging the inevitable, but I still find it all so wrong.....occasional glimpses of the man he used to be make it harder.....but most of the time he is still someone I do not know. Makes it more curious that I still love HIM when he is not who he used to be.
Jack-thanks for pointing that out. The M is in my mind only now.....that and in the eyes if the law.
cwf- is this your first time here? The anger is hard to deal with, and doesn't get easier. My brain knows that I am worth the work----just as I'm sure you are. It's the broken heart that allows us to think we aren't.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
DD I've been here for a while. I don't post often because I usually find most situations involve other people. Mine never did. But I know exactly how you're feeling.
"Some days I feel like I'm just being stubborn and prolonging the inevitable, but I still find it all so wrong.....occasional glimpses of the man he used to be make it harder.....but most of the time he is still someone I do not know. Makes it more curious that I still love HIM when he is not who he used to be."
I soooo get this. It really does just feel so wrong. And maybe I am prolonging the inevitable also. But he has not actually come out and asked for a divorce. I won't be the one to do it.
Me50 H54 S18, SS28, SD30 M20yrs, Together 22 minus 2 Separated 8/06/08
So............why does it bother me to start getting inter-office mail addressed to MS.......when my co-worker is addressed as MRS. I'm still married.............
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
So............why does it bother me to start getting inter-office mail addressed to MS.......when my co-worker is addressed as MRS
IMO, because you are afraid to let go of what was and afraid to embark on your new life. Afraid to make choices that are for you and only you. Afraid to deal with the consequences of your choices. Just afraid.
Once you start and face that fear, you will come to understand YOU, what you are and are not capable of doing.
Just my 2 cents.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I'm still married. There has been no divorce. I still wear my rings.
Afraid? Maybe.
The choices I make now are for me and only me, and my kids. Afraid to deal with the consequences of my choices? No. It's all I have.
Still feel guilt? Guilt over not being good enough or worth fighting for. Guilt over not recognizing there were problems. Guilt over not being able to save my family. Yes.
Still unable to deal with the end - by initiating the D? Yes. Still unable to understand? Yes. Afraid? I don't know.
I've accepted. The worst that I thought could happen has happened. Afraid to embark on my "new" life? Not a choice that I have, alhough I have contemplated the alternative at various stages along the way.
I live knowing that THIS is my reality. I live everyday knowing my marriage is over, but I'm not divorced. I live everyday unable to understand.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
