Three years ago.................

[forward]

DD,
Personally, I do not regret not dating during the limbo time. I did a lot of things for myself and did some healing and growing. It was a long time. But when we did D, it was far less emotional for me than the initial leaving.

As far as divorce...I did nothing to initiate and I don't regret that either.

I can look back and say that I don't regret the way that I handled things. I did my very best.

Try to use your "me" time wisely.

[ddstartingover]

Thanks Forward - I hope not to regret how I've handled all of this. I know that I'm doing my best, and I've owned my mistakes of the past with the knowledge that I've done the best that I can. With hindsight I can only wish that I would have handled some things differently, and unfortunately it's hindsight that fuels the guilt that I still carry.

H moved out 3 years ago, but I think I'm a LONG way from a minimally emotional D (heck if seeing "Ms." before my name sets me off)......... And as for dating...........I've only dated one man. I've been with my H since I was 14. I wouldn't even know how........and not an issue for me now really because I am still married............and pathetically still in love with a man that doesn't exist any more.

I still have a long way to go, because I make progress at an extremely slow pace, but each day brings me a bit more peace - but with setbacks from time to time I know I'm not DONE.

[ddstartingover]

I don't write much about specific things my H says/does anymore, because I know that what really matters is me getting through this. I handle each situation as it comes, and move on, but I'm going to journal a bit today.

I've read (or it is my understanding), Jack, that you see the hallmarks of a MLC'er as one that exhibits indecision or fluxuation of going back and forth without clear direction;and becoming the polar opposite of who they once were. I've always felt that my H was going through a MLC, but he never fluxuated on his direction, that I could see. His direction has only been out, altough rocky at times. Other than not actually going through with the D although he insists he wants one. He did become someone that I felt was the exact opposite of who he always was. So....MLC? I don't know.

He does go through periods of anger, and over the past few days I could feel it building again. Our D14 has an athletic injury in the middle of her high school season. We talked briefly last night about getting her in for some PT today. I texted and told him that I had the appointment set up. He replied "ok," and then later asked if I was going to take her or pick S12 up from practice. I answered that I didn't think there would be a confict and that we all had to be back at school by 6 anyway. (I always pick them up after school/practice everyday anyway.) He replied and asked if I was planning to take S with me to the appointment and I answered that I was, but then a friend came in and offered to take him to get a sandwich and then back to school for the meeting that we all had to be at.

H replied "anyone but me?" I have NEVER denied him access to any of the kids. He gets them every Monday and Tuesday nights and every other Friday/Saturday. Today is my night. I planned to handle it as always, without asking for help. I didn't see his text as an offer to help me. I replied that it certainly wasn't the case, that I didn't know he was offering to help and when the friend stopped by and offered, I accepted since it was something that helped me - and it made sense. He answered with comments suggesting that I was sending S with someone that made poor parenting choices for her oldest daughter. I replied by saying I didn't always approve of her parenting choices, she is my friend, and I thought a sandwich and ride would be ok - but if he was offering, and wanted to pick him up to let me know. I said that I wasn't intentionally trying to cut him out, but saw an opportunity to make my schedule easier and took it (again there was no offer to help). No answer. Two hours later I again texted and asked that he let me know if he was going to pick him up. No answer.

Help me, here. Am I out of line? Did I really screw up here? I don't think so. It's my night. I haven't asked for his help unless I absolutely couldn't handle a conflict. I know that his anger has been building, so my initial thought is that this is just part of that, but maybe I'm seeing this wrong?

[AJM]

DD.
When I read your thread, it occurred to me that you are doing something I did for a long while. I see you trying to include him in the parenting and conversations even when you know he is not the same person and that he wants to be away. It occurs to me that you consider yourself still married (you are, but that's legal). But you are not really married are you? H doesn't seem to think so or at least act like it.

Can I make a suggestion? What you may lack her is not the courage. Not the idea. But you may lack the permission to let go of what you thought you had. Of what he promised but later took back.

What you can do is to finish the grieving process and realize that you have to now leave him. I know that sounds silly since he left you and the family and obviously likes having that connection to you in some perverted way (control?). But unless and until you give yourself permission to leave and to let go, you will potentially be stuck like this until he remarries.

Does it matter if you file for the divorce at this point? To anyone other than you? Does it help you if you don't?

Does it matter if you do not give yourself permission to leave him? What happens if you do give yourself that permission?

In the end, you were worth it. You hung on. H left. Those are the facts and it is what it is. [censored], but there you have it.

Now, what are you doing to explore your life and see what is really out there that life has to offer? You have made other changes, but what about exploring other options to see what you want to be? What you want to be known for?

Permission from yourself to forgive yourself. Permission to let him go and be happy as he knows it.

Fear? I don't know that I would describe it that way. Guilt. Misplaced guilt at that....

AJ

[ddstartingover]

AJ - Thank you for your post. I've read it several times and have given this a lot of thought:

"Does it matter if you file for the divorce at this point? To anyone other than you? Does it help you if you don't?"

It doesn't matter to anyone else but me, but in the end that's all I have. There may come a day when I honestly feel that it would be best for me to initiate the D, but at this point I'm not ready. It probably does hurt me if I don't. I can see that it may help be complete the grieving process - logically that makes sense, but unless and until I can feel like it is what I want, I can't do it. I truly think it would add to my guilt at this point. Misplaced, or otherwise.

However, giving myself permission......."permission from yourself to forgive yourself". ............permission to let go, permission to believe that it will be ok when the D happens, permission to fully accept the end........is something that I think will help. And, I'm working on it.