"do I want to welcome this apparently very selfish, untrustworthy, self-absorbed person back into my life to dominate it utterly"
No you want your W back. Right now you're bitter and it's showing. If you're still interested in saving your M, then you have to stop this line of "woe is me" thinking or else it will leak into your regular interactions with her.
"But I was evidently wrong about who she was, and now I am paying that price."
Whether you stay with your W or not, everyone changes. You weren't wrong about who she was. She's just changed. You're fighting against that. I'm sure you've changed as well.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
>you have to stop this line of "woe is me" thinking or else it will >leak into your regular interactions with her.
There are no regular interactions with her. The ONLY interactions she has with me are escalating demands through her lawyer, disregarding previous agreements and asking for more, more, more.
I appreciate the mindset that thinks that every marriage is worth saving. But I have tried appeasement, counseling, DB phone consultations, mediation, "going dark", "last resort", any damn thing I could think of. The results are the same: she is "done" with the relationship and is "entitled" to anything she can get under the law.
Not one--NOT ONE--person I know thinks I should try any more. Almost all of them have regarded her for years as a net drain on me and are excited that I will have the chance to proceed without her. Even many people who considered her a close friend since childhood think she's crazy.
I appreciate the mindset that thinks that every marriage is worth saving. But I have tried appeasement, counseling, DB phone consultations, mediation, "going dark", "last resort", any damn thing I could think of. The results are the same: she is "done" with the relationship and is "entitled" to anything she can get under the law.
Hos:
I hope you're doing well despite the latest circumstances.
As Green Blue pointed out early in the process, our sitx are similar. You recapped my current sitx to the tee. I get to experience more of that this evening when we try to meet and discuss the marriage settlement agreement.
My WAW has no interest in marriage counseling and DB tactics have not been fruitful. Mediation and lawyers are in the horizon, so quite a picnic coming down the pike for me.
The most frustrating part is the cognitive distortions in regards to the R/M. The magnifying or minimizing a memory or situation such that it no longer corresponds to objective reality or the mental filtering focused only on the negative...there is no success in piercing through the fog.
I feel your sadness about what could have been and send you positive thoughts your direction. You've handle yourself with dignity through the process so my compliments to you. Hang in there as the unwinding process continues.
Happy Thanksgiving!
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
It will be an interesting Thanksgiving, but mostly positive. I'm having dinner with a "friend family" which has sort of adopted me during this rather rough time.
In the time since she left, I have reconnected with my family, eat better, sleep better, watch less TV, play fewer video games, lost 30 pounds, gotten more fit, learned to dance, gained self-confidence, excelled at work, made new friends, learned to dress well, impressed at an interview, gotten a new and very exciting assignment, and even had another offer of marriage (to my great surprise, and of course I have refused). I will be moving this summer, so even if I lose the house, I'll be okay with that.
Of course, all this comes at the cost of losing my faith in the institution of marriage, my ability to trust, half my retirement (savings and pension), probably my house, and a great deal of happiness. And if I could have her back the way I remembered her--the woman I would have trusted my soul to, not the one who threatened "I'm afraid that if I stay with you I'll cheat, and I have four or five opportunities I can take advantage of at any time"--then yeah, I'd be tempted.
Hi Hoswald! Been a long time since I posted on your thread ... lost it, in fact. Anyway, I see there has been no real change in your situation, except you may be closer to the D. I am glad you have a lot of support, and are GAL that you enjoy. Having an interesting job helps too, I'm sure.
I don't have any advice, unfortunately, but I see you've been getting good advice from other forum posters.
Take care.
Wait! I do have some small advice ... try not to be bitter about the woman your W turned into ... remember the person she was when you loved her/she loved you, and things were happy. That way, you can see that your whole M wasn't a waste. The life you had with her wasn't wasted time.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Wait! I do have some small advice ... try not to be bitter about the woman your W turned into ... remember the person she was when you loved her/she loved you, and things were happy. That way, you can see that your whole M wasn't a waste. The life you had with her wasn't wasted time.
Wow those are some deep thoughts. Even if we aren't successful in DBing those are some thoughts to live by. Might have to use that quote some day.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
The life I had with her wasn't wasted time. The money I spent on her was.
In fact... one of the things I have my students do at the beginning of term is write random anonymous questions on 3x5 cards in case I have five minutes at the end of class (I have to keep them there, but don't have enough time for a new concept or practice problem, etc).
One of their questions was "if you could go back to any point in your life with the experience and knowledge you have now, when would you go back to?" And I would go back to just before my wedding and get a serious prenup so that she couldn't take my retirement, but apart from that I wouldn't change much.
I loved being married. I don't begrudge the time at all. I do begrudge the fact that I spent tens of thousands of dollars on her education and, rather than paying that back, she publicly talks about how being married to me hindered her and that she is entitled to take even more.
And yes, I'm bitter about the woman she turned into, because that woman will be forcing me to pay for the rest of my life. I genuinely hope she fails, because what she is doing is, to me, evil, and I don't think that evil should be rewarded by success. I'm very angry with her, and I'm very angry with her "friends" who seduced her into doing this and convincing her it was in her best interests.
In the long run, I will be even better off. She has gone through life and convinced herself that she is entitled to money, success, and happiness just because she is reasonably intelligent, where I understand that I'm not entitled to anything and thus have to work like hell for everything I get. As a result, at the end of this she will simply have money, which she will spend away, but I will still be, to be honest, rather awesome.
There were a lot of ways she could have done this well. To continually break promises and continually escalate demands and drag this process out as long as possible--no, I have no respect for her any more. I had 18 fantastic years, and I don't begrudge that time at all. But to have that person turn around, taunt me with her prospective lovers, tell everyone how I oppressed her and restricted her earning potential, take my retirement, force me out of my house and tell people she thinks she's being "flexible and fair"? No, I'm bitter. I've earned it.
The sad truth is, I just don't believe in the legal institution of marriage any more. Relationships, yes; even the "emotional" institution of marriage. But not the legal. Anything that lets a woman take half of what her husband has worked for for their mutual future just because she got bored and horny for the polyamorous lifestyle simply isn't acceptable to me.
Divorce decree was signed yesterday by the magistrate, with attendant 50/50 division of assets. I am profoundly sad, particularly as I get ready to put my house on the market against my will, and yet relieved to be out from under the tyranny of someone who takes without giving back and then complains how unfair it is.
