Feels Like I'm In Two-a-Days

[MadeToSucceed]

I dreaded Two-a-Days when I played football. It was the most painful part of getting ready for a season and yet always the most satisfying when I looked back on all the hard work. Maybe that's where I am now.

Here's my first thread to understand my sitch: Thread 1

What your showing now is the "fear based change"

She WILL SEE the real change when it happens.

And you will not feel the need to show it to her.

I understand what you're saying here. Makes a lot of sense and I honestly just had not stopped to think of that in that way.

[MadeToSucceed]

The bully was an analogy. Used so you could draw an example between her not trusting your immediate changes.

I gotcha. I'm not the best at trying to convey what I mean sometimes...an area I have to work on period...so I didn't mean "literally" a bully but more so that I wasn't the "neglected her, never cared for her, never supported her, cheated on her, left her for dead" type of H. I guess I'd call my "issues" minor but if they're "major" to her then it means there's something I missed along the way regardless.

What happened to you to give you that...martyr complex thing. The "whole waste of time". I guarentee no one here said that. That came from you. Its almost a defense mechanism.

That was a defense mechanism but not directed at you. It was mainly me kind of being a bit confused by Starsky saying I wouldn't take the advice given...when he said maybe someone else could explain it better, I kind of took that as he'd tried and felt like he wasn't getting through so he was "done." Part of that is my ego so I admit that. I don't mind the challenges at all. Your tone didn't come out in any kind of way. I only mentioned tone because Starsky said something to the effect about his style...and I was just trying to establish I don't mind anyone's style...even if it is somewhat blunt...just that I was trying to better understand it. So when I spoke of doing things to the T, it was directly related to when I read this:

When you argue with the advice that you get, and instead try to go with your "gut" -- when your gut instincts are usually what landed your marriage in the soup to begin with -- you're only making it harder on yourself.

So that's part of it. The other part is STYLE; I know mine can be brusque. It's not for everyone, and maybe others can help him more, by explaining it better or differently.

I can handle the style...just have to get used to it. Kind of like the first time a coach got in my face...a bit shocking but then you realize that's how some are and it's when they STOP yelling that you should worry.

We cannot fix other people. We can however fix ourself.

This has become my mantra and what I'm going to (not try) to live by.

Starsky,

No hard feelings whatsoever and I would very much appreciate your input. I'm still banging my head against the wall and still early in this. I'm going to go back and research your story because to be honest, I haven't and I'm sure it could provide me some perspective. Thanks all the same for everything thus far.

[MadeToSucceed]

She texted me this afternoon.

W: Hey. My bags made it just fine. Don't want you stresing and over working yourself doing things for me. You have enough on your plate. I have a problem...

Me: Problem?

W: Just me in general. LOL.

Me: How so?

W: So many issues I've never really dealt with...feelings and emotions...

Me: That can definitely be difficult. I struggle with the same about certain things.

That was pretty short lived. LOL. It's 1:45am over there so she's probably sleep or something now. Today has been an ok day. I've been really busy at work so I haven't had a ton of time to think about all of this stuff...which in some ways is a good thing.

I know it's only Tuesday but I'm already looking forward to the weekend. My friend's wife is planning a surprise party for him for his birthday on Friday night. Then we're going to all hit the lake on Saturday so it should be a good weekend...if only I can hurry up and get there. LOL.

[♪CS♪]

She texted me this afternoon.

W: Hey. My bags made it just fine. Don't want you stresing and over working yourself doing things for me. You have enough on your plate. I have a problem...

Me: Problem?

W: Just me in general. LOL.

Me: How so?

W: So many issues I've never really dealt with...feelings and emotions...

Me: That can definitely be difficult. I struggle with the same about certain things.

Me: Haha, I understand. I'm heading out to do a few things. Be well.

FYI. I hate giving the type of advice that says "say this, do this"

One, it will most likely be wrong

Two, this is about finding ourselves. Not becoming someone else.

So take my edit with a grain of salt.

It's not meant to be what TO say. Just what COULD be said.

In a nutshell. It's the attitude. Not the words.

The words are for you to determine.

The attitude is for you to find.

The weekend plans sound good. Have fun.

[Starsky309]

She texted me this afternoon.

W: Hey. My bags made it just fine. Don't want you stresing and over working yourself doing things for me. You have enough on your plate. I have a problem...

Me: Problem?

W: Just me in general. LOL.

Me: How so?

W: So many issues I've never really dealt with...feelings and emotions...

Me: That can definitely be difficult. I struggle with the same about certain things.

Me: Haha, I understand. I'm heading out to do a few things. Be well.

FYI. I hate giving the type of advice that says "say this, do this"

One, it will most likely be wrong

Two, this is about finding ourselves. Not becoming someone else.

So take my edit with a grain of salt.

It's not meant to be what TO say. Just what COULD be said.

In a nutshell. It's the attitude. Not the words.

The words are for you to determine.

The attitude is for you to find.

The weekend plans sound good. Have fun.

Country, you beat me to it. I was going to post practically the EXACT same thing, complete with the "strikethru" thing! LOL

[MadeToSucceed]

I think I understand where you two are coming from in that regard. Less is more. Make myself less available. Stop catering to her as extensively and frequently.

[Starsky309]

Start by not answering text messages for a few hours. Later, you can do a "Sorry, just saw this -- been a busy day. Be safe!" -- or something similar.

[jbnati]

I think I understand where you two are coming from in that regard. Less is more. Make myself less available. Stop catering to her as extensively and frequently.

mgm, I'm out of town, but I've hijacked a desktop computer. Just checking in. The above really seems to have worked for you over the last couple of weeks. When you don't pursue and you're less available, your W seems to pursue you more.

[♪CS♪]

Country, you beat me to it. I was going to post practically the EXACT same thing, complete with the "strikethru" thing! LOL

And all from my phone while I am enjoying myself. How that for resourceful?!

mgm, there is a quote.

"Life isn't as serious as the mind makes it out to be"

Is this stuff you are dealing with important?

Yes.

Will you agonizing over it help you?

No.

Seem weird?

It is.

Wether you want to call it attitude. State of mind. Acceptance. Or a made up word.

It doesn't matter what you call it.

Be it. That is all you need to do.

For now...

[MadeToSucceed]

I took the bait. She briefly started discussing bills and stuff and then turned it to the looming D issues. That spun into talks about how scared and horrified she is. How everything is a bad dream to her. How it's best for her for me not to be in the house. Next thing I knew I let myself get hooked and we were sharing feelings back and forth. She's telling me that she's still just tried to look out for my feelings at her expense. I'm in a bit of a fog right now because I don't know how I let myself get hooked in the conversation. Nothing positive came from it. Nothing that got me closer to my goal. I just talked to my DB coach this morning. I re-read my threads last night and was ready to go all in. And I took the bait.

I feel like I've un-done the little progress I was making and that the little hope I felt I had is gone. I know I'm going to get slammed for this. I know you guys told me so. I know I did it to myself. I'm just back to...now what?