I'm very post-happy today! It's quick one, though. Basically, I had my first genuine laugh about all of this nonsense while making my lunch for work tomorrow. I laughed so hard that I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. Basically, I realized just how far I'd gone on the A rollercoaster in such a short amount of time. There my W was almost exactly a month ago, telling me about how she was going to marry OM and have his baby someday, and now we're here a month later, after he's only been moved-in with her for a week, and she reads me out a laundry list of all the things she hates about him! OMG, the hilarity of it was so much that I LOL'ed like I haven't in such a long time!
Hello all.. My waw wife of 7 years left two weeks ago and said she's done... she moves into a rental house nearby on friday.. She is on at least trwo dating web sites and has been seeing another man since at least may/june.. I want to go ask him to stop seeing my wife. Is this suicide? Or would it show something of a bravery towards saving our life together?
I'm not sure WHO made me feel so ashamed. I guess it's always been a part of me. I have no doubt that it stems from a dysfunctional childhood (alcoholism, along with sexual behavior not being very well-kept from children's eyes/ears). The thing is, I've ALWAYS felt ashamed about myself, whether it's for one thing or another.
Right now, I'm a college graduate with a job as a bank teller who can manage living in his own apartment and pay his own bills. I do like who I am, especially now. I've grown so much from who I used to be, and I know that I'm a great person. People tell me that all the time. In fact, my W used to tell me that, too. I almost feel like she was very supportive of various issues in our M at first, but I treated my part in them with such shame and self-loathing, it's almost like she began to treat them the same way. I don't know, I can't vouch for her, but I do know that when I made mistakes in the M, I reacted with very desolate,self-hating moods rather than just telling myself, "Okay, I messed up. I'm human. Let's do something to make it right."
I have no doubt that it stems from a dysfunctional childhood (alcoholism, along with sexual behavior not being very well-kept from children's eyes/ears). The thing is, I've ALWAYS felt ashamed about myself, whether it's for one thing or another.
Just as your W has lingering trauma in her life.
You may as well.
And just like her you will have to want to face your demons West. Stop being a victim of it.
You learned this behavior. May be time to unlearn it?
None of us here are health professionals. I only know that if you dig down far enough you will find the root of your problem.
You have to learn to love yourself West before you can conceive of someone else loving you.
It may be convenient to place the blame on your W based on her choices but that is avoiding a problem and wasting an opportunity.
Opportunity?
To begin to learn that you are worthy of being loved. That you are not what someone taught you to feel about yourself.
That you control what kind of man you want to be.
You need only decide to be him.
How do you think you can do that?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Well, I had a "moment" today where I got the answer. I can't explain why it suddenly sunk in, but it just did. My copy of [edited by dbmod: advertising/book not recommended] likely had a lot to do with it -- basically, it reinforces the notion that you have to be the source of your own self-esteem. You can't depend on others for your validation; you have to be happy with who you are, regardless of what other people think. And, in that moment, I realized the answer: I have to learn to love myself regardless of whatever other people think. My whole life, I've placed all of my self-worth on what OTHER PEOPLE have thought about me. I have never once TRULY loved myself for who I am...
[edited by dbmod: advertising/book not recommended] has a lot of great suggestions for helping a trashed self-esteem, including writing down positive validations; accepting one's flaws and imperfections ("perfectly imperfect"); treating oneself well; and, of course, learning to let things just be as they are. My situation with my W is the prime example of the last one; there's not a whole lot I can do about it. It was her choice to go down that path, and now it's up to her to decide where we go next. All I can do is depend on myself and work on myself to the best of my abilities.
Good for you, West. It sounds like you had a breakthrough. Maybe have another look at this though:
Originally Posted By: westcoastfella
It was her choice to go down that path, and now it's up to her to decide where we go next.
I think she gets to decide where SHE goes next. I wouldn't turn over my power to decide how I move forward to her. Discover who you are and who you want to be, set your course, follow it and let her decide if she wants to come along. You might find she likes a man in control of himself who can lead.
Thanks for the words, Ed -- they're all too true. No matter what W does, I'm on my own course, and she's on hers. We'll yet see if they intertwine again or diverge for good.
