Im all over the board here.. So now I know that he was seeing someone regardless of why he thinks he did it. He still sought out someone else and was having at least an EA before he moved out and while we were trying to work it out. Sad thing is now that I know I feel like I still want to try. Then again im angry and not sure the next minute.
Of course he hasnt told me he has changed his mind he still wants a D. There were some changes over the weekend with his behavior that make me question him. He was staying every night at the OW place and being really crummy to me. Then I found out about 2 weeks ago that he was lying and he admitted it to me. Now things are different with his behavior..
It was his weekend with the kids and since he doesnt have a place for them to stay he stayed at our home. I tried to be gone as much as I could however he was nice to me and talked to me about different things. We chatted about some movies and funny shows that either of us hadnt seen the last few episodes. I am still being nice and smiling and happy. Then on Saturday I went to a friends and hung out while he stayed with the kids. He knew I wouldnt be home until late and I made sure to relay that he was to sleep in the couch if he got tired. I didnt get home until 3am which was partially intentional but i was also having fun. I had a moment on the way home that I remembered him coming home after "working" until 3am and washing his face and neck. Then he got into bed and spooned with me and was affectionate. Now I realize at that time he was seeing the OW and has made out with her and was cleaning up before bed. This memory infuriated me and when I got home at 3am i guess i looked mad. He asked me what was wrong and I said oh nothing and went on about things. The next morning when he came over to hang out with the kids he asked me again. He said you looked mad last night is there anything wrong? I just said no and went on about my day..... There was another moment when i was riding with him after dropping off my car to get fixed. He mentioned about his roommate getting some work in the house done and having the contractor do a bad job. He then said "I told them you wouldnt hvae stood for that and you would have made them do it right". I have been accused of being too controlling etc. so for him to recognize this as a strength when it was a weakness before seemed odd to me.
I dont know what to think anymore. Do I want to keep trying or do I want to just move on.. My heart hurts and I feel compelled to be with him but why? Is it because he doesnt want me now I want him even more? Maybe im reading way too much into his behavior and it is just because the truth is out now.
I do know that he is having a ton of stress from everything. I think when I am away from him i am stronger and feel i can move on. Then when I see him and he is nice and helpful(now not before)and loving to his children it makes me want our family.
I guess if he asked me to work things out today I dont think i would say now. However the things we would need to do in order to get back on track would be really really hard.
Am I crazy?
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
lmh, i think you are not crazy... i think you are just all over the place with your emotions... and that's pretty normal...
in the beginning, i mostly stayed sad, because I didn't want to get mad... but finally, I dealt with my anger, too...
I understand that you love your H, but understand that whatever is going on in his life and your M... it does not justify an A...
From what I've understand (I've been posting it around here the last little while) is that I have a better appreciation for why...
It comes from the saying the WAS uses... "I don't feel married"... probably comes from their detachment... their choice to be "out of" love... their choice to act single... and because it contradicts the reality that they ARE M... they might feel some guilt...
Anyhow, all I'm trying to say here is, only you know if an A is a deal breaker for you. M's DO survive infidelity and all the horrible things associated with them...
You are still here, so we'll presume that at least for the time being... you're still willing to keep trying...
I don't think you are crazy at all. Your emotions are all over the place, which is to be expected. I'm pretty new to the whole EA/PA thing myself and I am all over the place as well.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
You are not crazy! If you are so am I! Mine I believe only had an EA until he left me. We were both virgins when we met and I always thought if I ever found out he'd slept with someone else I wouldn't be able to have him back. But I love him dearly and now I realise there were issues in our marriage and they are fixable and I'd take him back and improve things.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
No, you're not crazy at all. I'm doing the same thing. On one hand, I miss him terribly, and on the other hand I remember everything he's done, and is doing now. One minute I'm hurting, and the next I want to tell him to file the divorce I deserve better. It's a tough situation, and I totally understand how you feel. We just want the pain to go away........
