I just found out my husband had been having an affair with a co worker for 8 months. It is over becasue her husband caught them texting intimate info and threthend to take her son but that is the only reason. My husband said they loved each other. He never wanted a divorce just wanted to be with her because he could not handle our fighting. This is the same reason he had an affair six years ago. He runs away from our problems. Finds someone easy to escape. Its like our problems are too pain full for him to handle. Is there hope for us? he loves me and I love him. We have two boys to think of 9 and 7.
Must, I dont know a ton about making it work, I just know what I have done. I think no matter what you are hurt especially since this is not the first time. Im sure you are angry as you have every right to be...
When you discovered his previous A what happened? Did he behave the same way when you found out? Did you go to any counseling or make any effort together or alone to heal your marriage?
I would expect that if something doesnt change about you and him that it would happen again. Obviously this is a very painful time for you, your kids and even your H. For now the best thing you can do while you figure it out is focus on your kids. Make sure you help yourself but help them too because they can feel it. They know even if you dont tell them what is going on around them.
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
I am seeking counceling now. I did not the first time. I have figured out the root of the problem finally and I think I should be able to fix it with couseling. My H refuses to go to couseling. I am going to focus on myself and the kids wit the counseling and also ask how to help my H though his attachment with the OW who is still in his office and who he misses and has obvious feelings for still. It hurts but do you really think it is possible to recover a second time? He thinks he is just too bad for me that he has violated our marriage too much and that there is no way back. He is sinking in a deep depression. He never wanted a divorce. He wanted her to not have to think about our problems. She was his escape. He still wanted me too. he is military so he was going to have her until we left here in 2012 and then be done with it..that was their plan. Then they got caught by her husband. How do I fight the felling he still has for her and fight his depresion too? I also have to control my demons over what he did and he is not doing any of the things I need to get over it. This is a giant mess!
Must, You can only fight your demons and issues not his also. Going to counseling is a great first step and will help a lot. His feelings for her will obviously make you angry, hurt and probably a zillion other feelings. However you cannot control his feelings or actions only how it makes you feel and react.
The ultimate decision is up to you. Do you forgive and move on with your H or if you are not able to then move on yourself. I do know (as you probably do also) that if you choose to forgive him you must do that and not bring it up. There is a lot to recover from before you get there Im sure. No one can make your choice only you.. I would work on yourself and give it some time if you are unsure. I dont believe that you are making a bad decision to consider your options for a while first. His depression is also something you cannot control. If he chooses to help himself that is wonderful however you cannot force him. He must follow his own path and his choices decide where his destination shall be.
I would recommend also implementing the DB techniques of GAL and do some 180s. You might surprise yourself on what different perspective it gives you to your own behavior.
Good luck! BTW it is okay to be a mess just dont let him see you!
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Well, I did go to a friends house for one night and that got him to want to work on us. He is possitive now on us rebuilding our marriage. He missed me and was jeolous that I might have been out with a man and it was killing him. I am just not sure I can forgive. I know that our fighting, my clinging and my complaining had a lot to do with his running away from our problems but he still did not have to go to the extreme of allowing this to happen again. He got to the point that he was so mad at me and resentfull of me that he just wanted her. She made him feel good and forget all else. I am worried that it was not just infatuation though. Most of me feels like she was just that, a tempory fix to a bad time for him. But what if it was more? I want to be the true love not the default because she decided to stay with her husband. That is my only naging doubt...
My husband says he is starting to fall a little back in love with me but since he has to see the other women in the office each day it is hard and the feeling for her come back when he sees her. He is military so he does not have a chose but to put up with it. We leave here in Nov but I have to deal with him having to see her until then. He is trying to work at things with me but he is not helping me at all with my turmoil. He is being attentive but not with my pain. He will not talk about that. he will not talk about my feelings of resentment, betrayal or anything that will heal this. I can not bring them up since I am not on any type of solid ground with him since he still has feelings for her. He is thinks being "in love" is more important and stronger than the love we have shared for our 11 years of marriage. I want to GAL but I have no one to really hang out with in the evenings and weekends. I work but I started a new job in Apr and I have not really connected with people in my new office enough to stat up friendship outside of work. I am shy and so troubled by my family life that I am focused on it. Plus my husband is at work a lot and I have a 9 and 7 year old. How do I handle my H still having feelings for OW and him not being able to let go of them?
If he wants to stay with you, C is a must. No excuses. He will continue to have feelings for the OW and if not her, then someone else until he figures out why he did it in the first place.
I understand about the fighting, but let's face it, it takes two to tango. Even though you two fought, you never went outside the M. It was a shortcoming in him. He needs to take the initiative to do something to heal the M.
Instead of GALing by going out with others, how about just taking on a hobby, or just take long walks, or anything else? You might even consider withholding sex for awhile. He has to miss something about you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
If he wants to stay with you, C is a must. No excuses. He will continue to have feelings for the OW and if not her, then someone else until he figures out why he did it in the first place.
I agree. And he will continue to have feelings for the OW as long as he is in daily contact with her at work. That's just a physiological reality.
My husband has requested a transfer. That is why we leave in Nov. He will not go to C. He says he did it because he no longer cared about us and only cared about her. He fell in love with her because he was not happy with me and our fighting. Sounds like you are saying there is no hope based on how he is...
