Just posting here to get opinions and feedback from those who are affected by or involved in PEAs...
I am about to begin D process, although not sure if I'll seek leg sep first and then process D papers for filing at a later time. No matter...
I am trying to get some insight into the thought process of someone in an A. I thought that maybe I could... be tolerant to infidelity, but find that's not the case at this time...
But I would like to at least have some empathy with my W.
Of course, I truly do own my part in my M breakdown... her reasons to seek an A are her reasons and I accept I will never understand those...
What I would like to try to understand is the thoughts that lead to the lies, the deceit, the hiding...
I have no idea if it's the same in every A, I'm guessing to some extent.
In some cases, the A is completely secret. Hidden from EVERYONE. In other cases, the A is full open, as the WAS embraces the creed of "I don't feel M".
In my case, my W's A is wide open to all her very close and trusted friends as well as to OM's family... and is vehemently denied and hidden from others, especially me, our kids, my family, and the general public at large... My W and OM are "just friends"...
While the jurisdiction we live in is not "no fault", adultery is only a factor in allowing a D to proceed without the usual waiting period...
So does anyone have any general thoughts as to what the motivators are behind the lies and hiding? Including the obvious "guilt"...
Starsky nailed it. The second part I just figured out myself. Before I figured that part out I believed the lies. That was a turning point for me when I understood that.
Add to it the possibility of a lot to lose in some cases. In my sitch I really see the cake and eat it too fantasy is a part.
I believe deep down my H feels guilty. I've been speaing to a woman who had an affair and she's helped me understand the feelings and thoughts my H might be having. She said she put up walls to avoid seeing the hurt she caused. My H seems to be doing the same. He is denying he's done anything wrong, and blame shifting that I pushed him away, hence he had to get out of our marriage and it just so happened that he is now having a relationship with the woman that convinced him our marriage was so bad.
He was sick with guilt the week before he left - not eating, sleeping, panic attacks etc. He couldn't tell me to my face that he wasn't happy. He tried to - but ended up just doing a runner and ringing me to say he wasn't coming home. The next day he did come home, but not before telling me he'd rather just email me why he left.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
The twisted sense of compassion is the one that really slays me. "I didn't want to tell you everything because I didn't want to hurt you more than I had to." Like there are varying degrees of hurt in a sitch like this? You killed me all ready. What else can you do? And by the way, I got the explanation by email. Never had a face to face. The last face to face was when I found her driving up to her latest rendevous with OM. This after telling me in the email that it was finally over(for the 5th time). That was the boundary that was crossed. And I didn't even realize I had put it there until she crossed it.
Me:61 W:60 M: 26 No kids ILYBININLWY AUG 10 S: 5/20/11 D filed 6/23/2011
Yeah Starsky, I can see what you're saying... I guess as the LBS, it's pretty much impossible to empathize with that because of the cognitive dissonance it creates...
Huh, I hear you. My W has done a lot to spend the cash and investments that's been stored up. Add to that efforts to remove my name from assets, it adds up to an example of spending it all now, so that she doesn't have to "share"...
Interesting about those symptoms you mention, Julz... now that you mention it, I'm starting to wonder how far back my W was having things like panic attacks, health changes like quitting smoking (something the OM was all over her about, when I still thought of him as a friend) and increased efforts to loose weight and get in shape, the appearance changes like tattoos, clothing changes, hair changes... well before there seemed to be anything untoward in the M... Talking to a friend yesterday, if we were to guess, the A could have begun as far back as three years, maybe a little longer... based on my W's behaviours and... distance...
Geeze, Woody... I didn't realize (or maybe remember) that your W had an OM... So sorry that you find yourself in the same sitch... it really does suck, without a doubt... and yeah... I'm already dead... whatever you do to my body after that pretty much won't matter to me...
I guess it's the depth of the lies that really confounds me... and the projection about lying, honesty, trust onto the LBS that is so... harsh...
I would lie if I said that I don't care she's lying to me... but in a way, it doesn't matter any more. I know the truth and I'm finally coming to terms with it... that, at the very least, the continuation of it is a deal breaker for me... if it was over, if there was admittance and remorse (even to a minor degree)... but there isn't... the A keeps on going and as it appears from the limited info I get... it's getting deeper...
So I'm trying to convince myself to varying degrees of success, that they can have each other... no matter how much I believe in M, how much I remain open to loving my W, for the kids... it's a loosing battle at this time...
D will not "solve" anything... but at least then... I can put to rest in my mind, that she is no longer having an A... she is no longer cheating on me... her "secret life" is no more harmful to me... at least directly...
But the lies... they go far beyond the LBS... the deceit...
I don't even have words to describe the behaviour... it's not cold... it's not evil... it's not spiteful... it's so much deeper and more profound than that...
She doesn't just lie to me... I can take that, now... mostly...
She's lying to her kids... its not a direct lie... it's a lie of omission... "mommy and daddy just don't love each other 'like that' any more"... bull poo! "You have to go to your grandfather's this weekend because I have a conference this weekend..." more poo...
It's the lie to herself... "I've lost the 'passion' that M people should have for each other"... really? "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you"... c'mon... "I am not sure I ever really loved you..."... ok... right...??? And all the other stuff...
We call it "rationalizations" or "justifications"...
It's really just an attempt to positively spin lies of omission...
And THAT... is what hurts so much... at least for me... because at least THIS LBS... loves his spouse unconditionally enough to hope that one day... she will survive the harsh realities of the truth...
The truth of the destroyed M, the loss of the nuclear family for the kids, the continued lies to the kids through continued denial of the OP, or the awkward introduction of the OP to the kids, and the high probability of the failed A... because it's simply not based in reality, so a whole lot of cognitive re-adjustment has to occur within the WAS that the (supposed) new R does not have it's beginning and foundation based on lies...
In my situation, after her affair was over, my wife took a position of, "I'm sorry I hurt you, but I'm not sorry I had the affair." When I asked her if she felt remorse, or it the affair was a mistake or wrong, she said, "No. I don't need your forgiveness, because I didn't do anything wrong."
OK then...
Why didn't you tell your parents or the children?
Why didn't you tell the world at large?
Why have you only confided in people who were permission givers and who would support your decision to cheat (actualize yourself)?
Good question. Perhaps it's inconvenient to share the affair, since infidelity is still largely frowed upon. Who wants to be thought of as an adulterer? It's still socially unacceptable.
On the other hand. Everything we do should be able to stand in the light of day. If it can't then, that should tell us it's wrong.
If we are putting our needs above that of our family, then it's easier to lie/conceal the affair, and hope that it all comes out in wash in the next 5 yrs when everyone accepts the new situation and the "lovely" blended families created by infidelity.
Maybe it's the same reason people ignore the facts about the effects of divorce on children.
