Journaling…it’s been pretty crazy since Friday. A lot has happened. I’m going to try to break up each day into a separate post but they'll be a little longer than usual since I haven't been able to post once or twice a day like usual. Thanks for checking on me CS. I don’t have internet at my apartment yet so I typed everything up on my laptop and came to FedEx Kinkos so I could get it all out with hopes of getting you guys thoughts and opinions and everything when I get to work Monday morning.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
My W sent me two messages at about 3am when she was beginning her trip back stateside. First one was a bible verse. The other was this:
W: The hardest part of all of this is losing my best friend…just want you to know that. I hate I can’t talk to you when I want. My heart truly aches.
She then called me and we talked until she left Germany for London. She basically just was saying she realized lots of things and wanted to talk face to face. That she’s never wanted to me to feel used and never intended on hurting me but knows she has. She messaged me when she landed in London and then called me during her layover there. We did the same kind of convo but she did message me prior to calling back.
W: You sure you want me to call?
Me: Yea. Up to you though. Only if you want to. No prob if you rather just relax.
W: I just get conflicted. Don’t want to make things worse.
Me: I understand. Have a safe flight. Maybe I’ll hear from you when you get back.
W: Just got to my seat. Taking off. Let you know when I land. Thanks for really listening to me.
Me: You’re welcome. Have a safe flight.
I spent the rest of the day moving. Trying to get into my new apt, getting the house cleaned up, painting a wall I’d left unfinished for some time and just trying to clean everything up after I got everything moved. My mother, father and brother were there to help me but it was extra hard on me because I just felt so embarrassed. I broke down several times throughout the day including when I finally drove away but I managed to get done what I had to do.
She messaged me when she landed at about 7pm. I gave her the run down on where she could find her keys to her car and a few other things at the house. I had some landscape lighting installed that she’d always wanted. It was something I’d been paying on for a while…since well before this started…and was always intended to be a surprise when she got back from Europe in early August. I’d forgotten completely until they showed up to install them. At any rate, she noticed them but it wasn’t quite dark yet.
W:I saw the lights. I can pay you back for them if you’d like. I’m sure they’re gorgeous when they come on.
Me: That’s not necessary. It’s something I’d been working on for a while and finally finished it. Did you still want a copy of that DVD?
W: Yea I’ll check it out. Thanks.
Some small talk about the weather and then the convo faded for the night. Friday night my dad stayed with me in my new apt. He and I drank a few adult beverages and watched some movies and just talked before we both passed out. I have no furniture so he slept on the floor and I slept on an air mattress. I actually slept through the night…in part because I took a sleeping pill. LOL.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
W: Oh. Are you gonna be busy in the next hour and a half?
Me: What’s up?
W: ? Maybe its not such a good idea.
At this point I just decided to call her. She basically just flat out ask me to go to breakfast with her. I told her I had a call scheduled to my counselor from 9 to 10am and then I’d be free. So after I finished talking through some things with my DB coach (my W doesn’t know it’s my DB coach…just a counselor), I sent her a message.
Me: Stomach still touching your back? (this is a way we’d always ask one another if we were hungry)
W: Yep.
Me: Meet at 11am? _Yes _No _Maybe
W: Let’s go.
We met up to eat and she gave me a tight hug when we saw each other. Said I looked really good and I told her she did too. She’s an athlete so her body is perfect. She was just wearing some workout shorts and a T-shirt because she had to go to rehab immediately after we ate. I couldn't help but be extremely attracted to her and really want to be intimate with her. It's been since March 13th and let's just say it is getting really rough but I also know that I can't look for that satisfaction elsewhere. She wore a hat though and pulled it down low so it was difficult for me to see her eyes.
We had a really "good" talk. Ranged from her track stuff to my school stuff. I made sure to tell her about things I was planning on doing, with or without her. I didn't state it that way but they were plans for MY future and I didn't talk about stuff that would involve "us." Even told her about looking at some job opportunities overseas.
We did have some convo about OM. She said he asked her if my W and I were talking. My W told him yes, that we started out as friends and will always be that and if he had a problem with that then she was sorry but that’s just how it is. She says she doesn't think he was really ok with that but rather didn't have much of a choice. I asked her what if he made you choose and she said nope. She wouldn’t choose him over me in that regard. Weird that she has already chosen him over me in many ways but whatever. I asked her what if I said the same to her and she hesitated. Basically said she’s not ready to go either way on that right now but could see herself getting there one day. She continued to take responsibility for things which shows she’s at least been thinking but there was no true R or M talk.
I did sneak in that I’ve divorced our old marriage already and never want to go back to it but rather a new one. That I’m going to be ok somehow and ideally I’d rather be ok with her. She said she understood. I asked her how does she not think about the fact that OM has 6 kids and 5 “baby mamas” and she said she tries not to but that she’s actually been introduced to a couple of the “baby mamas.” I just kind of told her how crazy I thought that all was. She kept saying she’s just confused because she figured he’d be long gone by now and she figured I would be too and yet we are both “staying.” I told her I can’t speak for OM but the reason I am so committed is because she’s my W and I have a charge from God to stick it out through thick and thin. I told her I don’t plan to just twiddle my thumbs, wait and/or condone her actions but that I said “for better or for worse” and if what she went through previously was “my worst,” thank you and that if this is “her worst” I’m going to ride it until the wheels fall off. I’d asked why she called me and she said she really doesn’t spend a lot of time with other people lately and that when she got back all she wanted to do was all the stuff we would always do together: movies, certain restaurants, jetskiing, etc.
I think I got around to asking if she was planning on going to see OM in his new city and she said I don’t know. I didn’t bring up that I already knew she had told someone she was. I said to her, “let’s go somewhere. Doesn’t have to be far. Just you and me for a day or two. No phones. Just us.” She responded with a sheepish smile and said “where?” I threw out an idea of a place I know she’s wanted to go and she just kind of lowered her head and said “I’m scared.”
I made sure I always looked her in her eyes and she would try to avoid my gaze or lower her hat. Tears welled up in her eyes several times in the convo but she tried to hide it. We talked about the counselor thing some more and she said she knows she needs to see one and that if I gave her a list of some she’d check one out if she had time. I just told her its one of those things she should make time for…for HER…not just us. Told her I’ve been able to recognize my own faults just through talking to someone that had a nonbiased ear.
She then turned to talking about kids. How bad she wants them and that if she wins the world championships she wants to have one in 2 years and if not, she wants to be pregnant this time next year (which was always in our plan). I joked about being the father or if she was just going to use me as a donor and we had some fun with that but I think we both knew we were dead serious in many regards. We both always said we wanted children together before 30. That was always the plan. She didn’t say she wanted to have kids with me…but then again…she didn’t say she didn’t this time around either. Previously she would say things like “I guess I won’t be having any children anytime soon.” After a while longer, we finally parted ways. I hugged her tight and kissed her on the cheek. Couldn’t help it but I even said ILY. She responded ILY too and was gone.
She was short through text messages later that night. I asked her if she’d come to church with me on Sunday and she said she would meet me there. This was a victory for me because in the past she’s ignored my attempts to get her to church and made excuses. This actually marks the first weekend she’s even been in our city since March 27th. Every other weekend she was either at a track meet, with OM or overseas (all of July).
I cracked a few jokes and even threw in some silly bedroom humor. She said I was crazy and I playfully asked her if she was interested in practicing our intimacy. Then it shifted a tad.
W: I’m a wreck.
Me: What’s wrong?
W: Just in general. A lot going on.
Me: Sorry about that. (I shouldn’t have apologized…I should have found better words I think than apology) Didn’t intend to overstep. Is there anything going on you haven’t told me about or want to discuss that doesn’t pertain to us? (was trying to make her feel safe and free from having to engage in conversation about us)
W: It’s ok. Just a lot on my mind and heart. I’m ok.
Me: I understand. Didn’t mean to pry. I’ll pray for you. See you in the morning. I hope you’re able to sleep.
W: It’s ok. Have a good night.
Me: (somebody find Starsky to beat me up…I had trouble resisting) Before I go to bed…I CHOOSE to love you no matter what, regardless. Has nothing to do with you being worthy or deserving (she mentioned at breakfast she doesn’t feel “worthy of my love right now”). No matter what. Good night.
W: Aww thanks. Smiley face and hugs.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
I was kind of wound up tight. Couldn’t sleep well and started replaying the days events in my head. Lots of good but then still PLENTY of uncertainty. OM definitely still in the picture so I got anxious and nosey and yep…fell into the trap and snooped. That’s 3 times in the past week now and I’m committed to not doing it any further. I think it happens anytime I feel like I’m getting positive vibes from her…I feel the need to check her out for motive. I know that’s not right and only hurts me so I’m going to peel back on that. So I snoop and I see she’s now reached out to a guy she dated before me in HS. We’ve had issues with him in the past and she recognized them and cut off all communication with him completely. They wouldn’t even speak in person. Well not anymore.
He told her they were too old not to speak in person. She said he’s right and gave him her # and said don’t be a stranger, we have too much history together and even sent him a "wink." He told her he wanted to see her and he wanted her biggest hug and smile. They texted back and forth from 10pm to 1am and then again from 7am right up until she and I met for breakfast on Saturday. I don't know the contents of those texts. When I read this in the wee hours of Sunday morning I was devastated. Not only was she still communicating with the main OM via text message but also one other NFL guy and now the ex from college. I didn’t sleep well at all and around 1:30am she messaged me saying in fact that she couldn’t sleep, was wide awake and now wasn’t sure about church. That she didn’t see sleep happening for her anytime soon.
I was sleep when she sent this but woke up at 3am to see it. I simply asked “not sure about church?” This caused me some more anxiety because my mind was racing at this point. The ex from college lives in our area I think so I was thinking she might be meeting up with him! She responded a few hours later saying she was up and getting ready for church and would see me there. I was so conflicted. I wanted to bring up what I saw to her but felt it best not to. I wanted to go back and check again to see if she’d been messaging her ex too but I decided against that as well.
We met at church and it was very interesting. Initially she wouldn’t sit close to me but I kind of got closer to her later on. She made it a point to initially try to keep some considerable space between us. When she tithed, she only wrote her name. Usually when we tithe we write both of our names.
Without getting too in depth, the pastor was preaching a sermon that I know was kind of throwing daggers at her. No kind of to it. Daggers, jabs, uppercuts, you name it. She was fidgeting quite a bit and I could just tell she knew that it was something she needed to hear. There were parts that spoke so directly to our situation to there was one point that the pastor literally said “There’s someone out there right now mad at your spouse and just won’t let go of all the past anger and hurt and because of that, God is knocking you off of what was in store for you because you’re hindering your won prayers by the way you treat your spouse.” His exact words. I could tell she was uncomfortable but I decided to take a leap and grab her hand while we prayed. I held it tight and she didn’t let go.
As we were walking out I asked if she was hungry and she said sure. I had to go to the restroom so she asked me to call her when I got to my truck. I called and she said she’d rather not eat out and just wanted to get some groceries and cook for herself at home. Can’t lie, I was a bit dejected but I just said “ok. Have a great day.”
About 10 minutes later she calls crying:
W: I just want you to know I don’t NOT want to go eat with you because of anything you did. You didn’t do anything.
Me: Ok.
She continues crying as she hangs up. Another 30-45 minutes go by and she texts me:
W: I’m so depressed all I can do is sleep. Have a great rest of your day H. I enjoyed church.
Me: You are probably tired from your travels. Take advantage of it.
She never responded. I sent that to her about noon. About 6pm I asked her if she was feeling better.
W: As can be expected. Just laying around.
I waited for a bit before responding.
Me: Well I was serious about yesterday. Can we go somewhere next weekend? Just me and you. No expectations, just us.
W: I don’t know.
Me: I was just hoping for a day or two with you uninterrupted before you go overseas again.
W: I’m just in a bad place. Its not your fault.
Me: I understand. Not trying to pressure you. I’m not in the best place either. Just wanted to share some time together honestly. That’s all.
W: I know. Let me think about it.
Me: Ok.
A hour or so went by and I told her I was about to start a book she’d wanted us to read a while back. She said she’d just got back in bed. Told her I wouldn’t bother her anymore and to get some rest. She said I wasn’t bothering her. While I was reading I told her the book was really good. She said that was good and that she was in and out of sleep. I said “sorry to disturb.” She responded not disturbed. We had some spiritual convo next. More me talking and her responding with very short acknowledgements…all via text. She finally says “I’m really happy for you. You’ve truly made a breakthrough.”
Me: You can too. I know you know that but there’s nothing to big for God.
W: I know.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
I think I handled most things pretty well. I obviously have to control my impulses to snoop. In some ways I've rationalized it as me knowing what she is doing will help me pray more specifically for her. Not sure if that's really valid or if I'm just trying to find an excuse/reason to look. Need to try not to lay it on too thick when she responds positively. Don’t want to scare her off. I think this is largely because I feel like I know she is only here until next Tuesday, the 16th and then will be heading to Korea. I feel like it would be a major victory to get "keep her" from going to visit the OM but now I really don't know if she is trying to get recklessly involved with the ex from college since she's in the area and with me not being in the house, it's next to impossible to know what she is really doing. I don't know if what she experienced in church on Sunday is enough to cause her to rethink things with him or if she's just going to draw back into her shell. I need to find alternatives to saying “I’m sorry” or “I didn’t mean to/won’t bother you.” Those kinds of things. Makes me seem guilty of something and/or just unattractive.
As for the pros, I know she noticed my physique so that’s a plus. She seems to like the new me but is still pretty cautious. She speaks of being scared so I guess that could be taken in many ways but in some respects it says to me (or at least I want it to say) she is thinking about me a bit more. Our interaction is at a good level and she seems at least willing to entertain ideas about us doing something together. She’s at least talking about counseling and even says she’ll watch a video I have called “Choosing Wisely: Before You Divorce.” Yet I know OM is still in the picture and now an ex is too.
It’s weird because I really feel like she’s caught up in an internal spiritual and emotional war. She’s been trying to do things the past couple of weeks that are outside of the God's design for marriage and has been getting “cut down” a day or two later. Last Thursday she started trying to plan OM’s bday party. The very next day (Friday), she gets hurt in a race. This Friday she reaches out to her ex and they go back and forth late Friday/early Saturday. Sunday she goes to church and hears a sermon preaching right to her. Hours later she’s talking about being depressed and in a bad place and crying. Some call it karma. I call it God trying to get her attention.
Whether she listens and actually ACTS on what she hears and knows is right or not, I don’t know but I know she is at least thinking, even if briefly. She can only run for so long from this stuff. She’s running into more and more situations where she’s being forced to examine herself. I don’t think she’s entirely giving me lip service but at the same time I know she isn't being honest with me on plenty of stuff still either. I think she really is depressed to a point and confused. She’s putting on this front to the world and ultimately living a double life. That wears on a person. She knows she’s wrong and yet feels like she’s all in and cant turn back now. I don’t think it’s any easier on her that I’m still sticking around. That I haven’t just cursed her out and said lets finish this thing. I think that would make it “easier” on her. But she’s actually having to do some soul searching. I know she’s feeling it but it’s like she’s fighting it. She’s still trying to reject what she KNOWS is right.
So we’ll see. I don’t know what this week brings. I need to sit down and have a bills convo with her but I don’t want to really be overbearing so maybe I’ll wait to see if she contacts me during the day or something on Monday first.
Also I think I’ve decided I’m not going to pursue the adultery angle with my lawyer. I just don’t like how it feels. This really isn’t about the money for me and I honestly feel like at the end of the day, she’s going to have to deal with her actions before God. Me exposing it in a court, in my opinion, just adds more hurt and takes me farther from my ultimate goal. I know I can walk away from this knowing I remained true to her and never did anything that I KNEW would hurt her more, despite her actions. That, I can live with. I’d like to communicate that with her at some point. Maybe that will be in the letter that my DB coach and I are going to work on.
This week I have Bible Study on Wednesday, a Men’s conference at church Thurs-Sat and a few odds and ends to keep me busy. I really hope she takes me up on my offer of us spending some time together but we’ll see. From what she'd told her friend, her parents are coming to visit her Thurs-Sat afternoon and then she was maybe going to see OM after they leave Sat. If I can somehow get her to stay and spend that time with me before she goes back overseas that'd be great. Not sure what to do with the ex from college situation. I wish I could bring it up somehow but I don't know how to do that or what I would be able to accomplish in doing so.
I’m staying the course on this one. Just getting into preseason. Still a long way to go.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
I think you W is very confused and conflicted right now. You've picked up on that. She is not following God right now, and she's encountering roadblocks as a result. Speculating here, but I don't know how likely she will be to return to church. My W's church attendance dropped from regular to sporadic after the bomb. I think she's afraid she's going to hear something that conflicts with her game plan.
IMO, you are pursuing too much. I think you're learning though. In terms of the trip out of town, you've floated the offer, now the ball's in her court. Also, let her pursue you on the texting.
You don't want too much too soon, or you risk finding yourself back here again.
I think you know by now you shouldn't snoop. You W is going to do what she's going to do.
I'd be interested in hearing what your DB coach had to say, too.
I agree on pursuing too much. I just got wrapped up in the fact that she's only here temporarily and then is going back overseas. I talked to my DB coach on Saturday morning before I committed to meeting with my W for breakfast so she didn't get the meat of everything else but I'll hop back on later to give her insight too.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
Forget about the trip. Unless she brings it up, do not mention it again. It is making her nervous and uncomfortable and those feelings are being associated with YOU. Not what you want.
Quote:
W: The hardest part of all of this is losing my best friend…just want you to know that. I hate I can’t talk to you when I want. My heart truly aches.
^^^ this is important here.
What is her motivation for changing course if she gets both? She needs to miss you man.
The other thing that hit me reading this, and this has been said by many here, many times.
This is not about OM.
Now she is looking at someone else.
It’s not the person, it’s the idea that they are searching for. The freedom. The excitement. The newness. And probably the biggest, a way OUT of the M.
But it is not the actual person, so don’t focus on him.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I'm not trying to preach to anyone here but all of your words are truly a blessing to me. I HAD to take a quick break to thank you all. I'm swamped at work but just had to praise Him for His goodness to me and for people like you who don't know me from Adam that are helping me in my walk and through this process.
Yesterday I emailed my wife one of the bills she needed to set up in her name because it was being cancelled out of mine. She didn't respond immediately. Later she calls me upset because she tried to renew her registration on her vehicle and was told she had a ticket. She thought I'd purposely kept from her something that she THOUGHT came in the mail and was going off on me and yelling at me without even realizing it. When we got off the phone I sent her a message and told her I would help her as I have been because it's the right thing to do but she has no right to talk to me like the situation was my fault just because she is frustrated. I told her I did not deserve that treatment from her because I have done everything in my power to make things easier on HER, even given the circumstances.
She never responded until hours later with a simple "Thanks for your help. I got it sorted out." That's all I heard from her yesterday. No sorry (which I didn't really expect). Nothing else. Fine. No big deal.
I did my own personal Bible Study last night before bed and had a tough time praying so I just found myself reading through some of your prayers on here for me and my wife and I asked God to allow the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf and take control of my situation. Similar to DB'ing....allow me to control only what I can control and let go of the rest.
The devil tried to get me early this morning. I didn't have to be at work until 10:30am so I took some extra time to do some additional devotionals and study...I've been doing the Love Dare from Fireproof (in principle only, I haven't been carrying out the acts like "prepare your wife a meal.") and I took the time to meditate on it as well.
Well sure enough...I know this pissed the devil off because I went out to my truck at 10:25am (my job is 5 minutes away) and I couldn't start my truck. I'd left the light on. I had a guy come help me and I accidentally put the jumpers on the positive terminal only and fried my jumper cables. The old me would've cursed and screamed and the whole 9 but I just quietly said to myself "Father Help Me." A maintenance man walked by and I asked him if he had some cables and would he be willing to give me a jump. Initially he started to tell me he was too busy but he saw me sweating in my work clothes (I live in Texas and it is already 98 degrees at 10am...we've had record 100+ days this summer) and he said he'd be right back. He gave me a jump and I was off to work. First thing I was greeted with at work was a mistake I made when helping a student out yesterday. My coworkers said she and her mother had called upset. When I checked my email, the student had very politely made her request via email and ended it with "Thank you and God bless."
When I called her she was extremely polite and told me she hoped my day got better after I'd solved her issue. I have to get back to work but that was just a personal testimony that I needed to be able to get out there. Prayer is real and God is always at work even when the devil is trying to get to us.
My wife messaged me this morning wanting me to send her some bill stuff via email....the same bill stuff I've been trying to discuss with her for the last two weeks....the same bill stuff I suggested to her we sit down and go over and she told me she is just too tired and has too much on her mind and all she wanted to do is sleep. Now there is more urgency because it has to be done on HER time. In no way am I going to be spiteful but I have to live my life. There is work for me to do at my job and I'll be sure to get back to her as soon as I truly am free to do so. We've moved back to "her schedule" again. No more does she check on me to see how I am or call me at 2am and 3am like she did while she was in Europe her last few days or this weekend. I can't live on her schedule. It's not healthy and it's not right. I have to LIVE and continually be the best me that I can.
I plan to come back and comment on what you all posted earlier when I have time later but I just wanted to share that with you all how much of a blessing you are truly being to me. I honestly don't know where I'd be without this board and your thoughts and prayers.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
