Can you tell me/us who ultimately filed for D in your sitch MHL? If it was you, how did your W react to that? Has she shown any sign of regret? And what finally caused you, or allowed you, to make that decision?
I am the one who filed. After August 2010 things started to change in me, it is hard to describe. I started to let go not so much of her but more of letting go of what I wanted.
I do remember talking to Mach one day before I was to meet my W and he said "when you talk to her, take everything you want out of the conversation.....always keep in your mind what she wants".
When I did that I could see the puzzlement in her eyes, the surprise.....she was no longer having to pull away from me......that was the first time I could see DBing really working.
However there was an unexpected feeling.....inside me. I was finally free of this desire that had been plaguing me. The desire to pull my W back to me. In the process of setting her free I also set myself free.
After that things started happening quickly for me, I ran back through every emotion I ever had very quickly and I arrived at a place of peace, I was still standing for my marriage but it was not neccessary for me to be happy.......I was already HAPPY.
Over the next couple of months I was trully doing things for me and then in late October 2010, it really culminated for me, I think I captured it in this post......
This is what I wrote, I hope it answers your questions....
Originally Posted By: MHL posted 11-21-2010
It has taken a while to get where I am today and believe me it is not where I thought I was headed but you know what I have found?????
Happiness
Happiness with me, pure plain and simple. I can honestly say that I have traveled through the depths of hell and have come out on the other side a stronger, more confident, more self aware, more loving, more forgiving man. I like who I have become and while I do not want to go through what I have been through the last 18 months again.....it was neccessary to arrive the place I am at today.
19 years ago I met and fell in love with the woman that would become my wife and the mother of my children. I still love that woman today, and it is more than just loving her because she is the "mother of my children".
I LOVE her, always will.........our marriage however, is over.
On Wednesday, November 17, 2010, I went to the courthouse and filed for divorce.
For the technical details of the matter we have been separated for over 14 months, had a legal separation drawn up and it was signed in May 2010. We have shared custody of our 2 children, no money is exchanged for ailimony nor child support. I kept the house and almost everything in it, the kids are with me most of the time and they seem to be okay......yes, I am lucky.
I am not sad about this, quite the contrary. I am relieved, a weight has been lifted. I am no longer burdened with trying to hold up a marriage that is dead and gone and one that I do not want back......ever. It was a marriage filled with many good memories and as I recall it, I can say that is was good, I have mourned the loss and have accepted it and I am moving on.
I filed for me.
I did not file because I was,
Angry Tired Fed up Disrespected Unhappy in Love with someone else to get back at my wife or to get my wife back
I filed for divorce because it was time for me to no longer be identified as separated, or as a husband, or in a relationship or in any other manner otherthan as a MAN and a FATHER.
I have not been defined by my marriage for a long time and yet it was still there, an empty shell of what it used to be. I was no longer "holding on to it" but I was burdened by the fact that it was still there, like a piece of furniture in my house that I do not want and yet I keep stepping around it.
Everyone's journey is unique and different as is mine, however we all came her seeking the same thing......to save our marriages. What I have found and what I think is the premise of MWD's Divorce Remedy is that in order to save your marriage you must first save yourself.
This journey I am on was once decribed to me as a walk from New York to L.A. (thank you Mach) and you have to start out with these tiny little baby steps on the boardwalk of Coney Island. You can't even begin to think about L.A. b/c if you do you would just give up. Well you start stepping and you focus on your feet making sure not to mess up, slowly picking up speed, walking then maybe at times running. Somewhere along the way you take a rest and turn around and see just how far you have come, so you look back, but not for long, because you want to continue your journey. So you turnaround and start stepping again but something has changed..........
You find that you are no longer headed to L.A........how did this happen? When you are genuinely focusing on you and your life you really stop focusing on the marriage and you start following a path that is best for YOU, that path may not lead back to your marriage but you will find that you like the path you are on.
I like the path that I am on.
So many good things have happened for me over the last several weeks and they continue to happen........it is nothing short of amazing. I am not going to repeat them as this post is already long enough, read the beginning of this thread it is all there.
I have reached a place of peace, contentment and most of all HAPPINESS. I did not know I was getting to this place, I just realized it Wednesday at lunch time.....literally. I just knew it, I don't think it is something you work at, rather you arrive at it and you will know it when you get there. Really hard to put into words.
Big question now.......what is ahead for missherlove ?
I don't know what is ahead, this journey I am on has no destination but I am on it nonetheless and I am enjoying the scenery as I go. (For those of you wondering that includes dating) I am making plans, for my kids to play sports, excel at school, go to college, for me I want to travel, fix up my house and advance my career. Along the way I may find someone to share that experience with me, could be anyone......
including my soon to be ex-wife........surprised????
I'm not. Like I said before, I still love her and I still miss her love........
BUT
I do not NEED her love.........big difference.
I am not holding out for her but the door is not closed, in fact I would say the door is wide open.......
I have one door and anyone could walk through it....(Grit and Eric...stay away!) Who knows what the future may hold, I don't.......
but I do know that I have found happiness inside of me and I am going to keep that happiness alive!!!!
I will still be around here, not going anywhere, not changing my screen name (I am still MHL), and I hope to pay it forward.
I also hope to continue to be challenged by my friends here. I would go through some cathardic thank you and begin to list everyone that ever posted to me or that I have posted to but invariably I would leave someone out and ALL my friends mean way to much to me to risk doing that.
I am thankful for this forum, my life is changed forever because of it.....I hope that I can pay back a fraction of what it has done for me.
Always remember.....
Life is good and it is good to be alive!!!!!
Cheers
My W did not have a reaction at the time, I am pretty sure she was dating the third or fourth guy since the Bomb and was probably relieved that she did not have to pay the $191 filing fee.
She was no different than many others that say they want a divorce and then do nothing about it. In North Carolina you have to be separated for a year before you can file.....well a year came and went on August 25, 2010 and I was just waiting but nothing came........I think that was the other part of what moved me to file.........I was still plan B for her.
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Filing for D myself has been something that i have considered in the past few weeks. Mere contemplation at this point, but it has entered my mind.
Filing itself does not get you that level of detachment you are seeking......and as you are finding out neither does the OW.
Don't try to force it Denver........it will only backfire. If there is nothing going on then why file..........I know you are trying to "DO" something about the pain, and the uncertainty in your life.
The best thing to do is to "accept" that you love your W.....it is okay. Guess what????? I still love my XW....always will, not a DAMMNNN thing I can "DO" about it, so I stop wasting TIME and ENERGY fighting it.
Focus on YOURSELF.......go find Denver again.......you will find him when you start doing the things that make you happy.
Hope this helps.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Why not with W ok since she is the mother, just give the tickets to the concert to your SS to do with as he pleases since you got them for him? No strings attached, what so ever.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
When you truly detach, the pain will go away. It's when you realize that you really don't have any control over what your W does, but you make the best of what you do have.
Hang in there bud.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Can you tell me/us who ultimately filed for D in your sitch MHL? If it was you, how did your W react to that? Has she shown any sign of regret? And what finally caused you, or allowed you, to make that decision?
I am the one who filed. After August 2010 things started to change in me, it is hard to describe. I started to let go not so much of her but more of letting go of what I wanted.
I do remember talking to Mach one day before I was to meet my W and he said "when you talk to her, take everything you want out of the conversation.....always keep in your mind what she wants".
When I did that I could see the puzzlement in her eyes, the surprise.....she was no longer having to pull away from me......that was the first time I could see DBing really working.
However there was an unexpected feeling.....inside me. I was finally free of this desire that had been plaguing me. The desire to pull my W back to me. In the process of setting her free I also set myself free.
After that things started happening quickly for me, I ran back through every emotion I ever had very quickly and I arrived at a place of peace, I was still standing for my marriage but it was not neccessary for me to be happy.......I was already HAPPY.
Over the next couple of months I was trully doing things for me and then in late October 2010, it really culminated for me, I think I captured it in this post......
This is what I wrote, I hope it answers your questions....
Originally Posted By: MHL posted 11-21-2010
It has taken a while to get where I am today and believe me it is not where I thought I was headed but you know what I have found?????
Happiness
Happiness with me, pure plain and simple. I can honestly say that I have traveled through the depths of hell and have come out on the other side a stronger, more confident, more self aware, more loving, more forgiving man. I like who I have become and while I do not want to go through what I have been through the last 18 months again.....it was neccessary to arrive the place I am at today.
19 years ago I met and fell in love with the woman that would become my wife and the mother of my children. I still love that woman today, and it is more than just loving her because she is the "mother of my children".
I LOVE her, always will.........our marriage however, is over.
On Wednesday, November 17, 2010, I went to the courthouse and filed for divorce.
For the technical details of the matter we have been separated for over 14 months, had a legal separation drawn up and it was signed in May 2010. We have shared custody of our 2 children, no money is exchanged for ailimony nor child support. I kept the house and almost everything in it, the kids are with me most of the time and they seem to be okay......yes, I am lucky.
I am not sad about this, quite the contrary. I am relieved, a weight has been lifted. I am no longer burdened with trying to hold up a marriage that is dead and gone and one that I do not want back......ever. It was a marriage filled with many good memories and as I recall it, I can say that is was good, I have mourned the loss and have accepted it and I am moving on.
I filed for me.
I did not file because I was,
Angry Tired Fed up Disrespected Unhappy in Love with someone else to get back at my wife or to get my wife back
I filed for divorce because it was time for me to no longer be identified as separated, or as a husband, or in a relationship or in any other manner otherthan as a MAN and a FATHER.
I have not been defined by my marriage for a long time and yet it was still there, an empty shell of what it used to be. I was no longer "holding on to it" but I was burdened by the fact that it was still there, like a piece of furniture in my house that I do not want and yet I keep stepping around it.
Everyone's journey is unique and different as is mine, however we all came her seeking the same thing......to save our marriages. What I have found and what I think is the premise of MWD's Divorce Remedy is that in order to save your marriage you must first save yourself.
This journey I am on was once decribed to me as a walk from New York to L.A. (thank you Mach) and you have to start out with these tiny little baby steps on the boardwalk of Coney Island. You can't even begin to think about L.A. b/c if you do you would just give up. Well you start stepping and you focus on your feet making sure not to mess up, slowly picking up speed, walking then maybe at times running. Somewhere along the way you take a rest and turn around and see just how far you have come, so you look back, but not for long, because you want to continue your journey. So you turnaround and start stepping again but something has changed..........
You find that you are no longer headed to L.A........how did this happen? When you are genuinely focusing on you and your life you really stop focusing on the marriage and you start following a path that is best for YOU, that path may not lead back to your marriage but you will find that you like the path you are on.
I like the path that I am on.
So many good things have happened for me over the last several weeks and they continue to happen........it is nothing short of amazing. I am not going to repeat them as this post is already long enough, read the beginning of this thread it is all there.
I have reached a place of peace, contentment and most of all HAPPINESS. I did not know I was getting to this place, I just realized it Wednesday at lunch time.....literally. I just knew it, I don't think it is something you work at, rather you arrive at it and you will know it when you get there. Really hard to put into words.
Big question now.......what is ahead for missherlove ?
I don't know what is ahead, this journey I am on has no destination but I am on it nonetheless and I am enjoying the scenery as I go. (For those of you wondering that includes dating) I am making plans, for my kids to play sports, excel at school, go to college, for me I want to travel, fix up my house and advance my career. Along the way I may find someone to share that experience with me, could be anyone......
including my soon to be ex-wife........surprised????
I'm not. Like I said before, I still love her and I still miss her love........
BUT
I do not NEED her love.........big difference.
I am not holding out for her but the door is not closed, in fact I would say the door is wide open.......
I have one door and anyone could walk through it....(Grit and Eric...stay away!) Who knows what the future may hold, I don't.......
but I do know that I have found happiness inside of me and I am going to keep that happiness alive!!!!
I will still be around here, not going anywhere, not changing my screen name (I am still MHL), and I hope to pay it forward.
I also hope to continue to be challenged by my friends here. I would go through some cathardic thank you and begin to list everyone that ever posted to me or that I have posted to but invariably I would leave someone out and ALL my friends mean way to much to me to risk doing that.
I am thankful for this forum, my life is changed forever because of it.....I hope that I can pay back a fraction of what it has done for me.
Always remember.....
Life is good and it is good to be alive!!!!!
Cheers
My W did not have a reaction at the time, I am pretty sure she was dating the third or fourth guy since the Bomb and was probably relieved that she did not have to pay the $191 filing fee.
She was no different than many others that say they want a divorce and then do nothing about it. In North Carolina you have to be separated for a year before you can file.....well a year came and went on August 25, 2010 and I was just waiting but nothing came........I think that was the other part of what moved me to file.........I was still plan B for her.
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Filing for D myself has been something that i have considered in the past few weeks. Mere contemplation at this point, but it has entered my mind.
Filing itself does not get you that level of detachment you are seeking......and as you are finding out neither does the OW.
Don't try to force it Denver........it will only backfire. If there is nothing going on then why file..........I know you are trying to "DO" something about the pain, and the uncertainty in your life.
The best thing to do is to "accept" that you love your W.....it is okay. Guess what????? I still love my XW....always will, not a DAMMNNN thing I can "DO" about it, so I stop wasting TIME and ENERGY fighting it.
Focus on YOURSELF.......go find Denver again.......you will find him when you start doing the things that make you happy.
Hope this helps.
Cheers
Very inspiring post MHL. Thank you.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hang in there Denver. I was feeling really low last Tuesday. Things began to look up by Thursday and now I find myself in a good place.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I have also noticed that I have subconsciously distanced myself from OW since having contact with W on Thursday. OW and I went out on Sunday night, but even though I was there physically, my head was not.
Last night OW texted me to ask me if I was okay bc I have been so quiet. I admit that I lied and said that I was.
Sounds like you're in a tough place, Denver. I've been where you are and I recall how hard it was.
At one point, fairly soon after the bomb, I made a commitment to myself, long before I discovered DB, that I would learn as much as I could from my circumstances and stay away from other women for a year and then reevaluate my situation.
Sure enough, at almost exactly the year mark, I was contacted by a very interesting woman who told me she had heard a lot about me and would I be interested in a friendship. I told her exactly where my head was at and I was clear that I was not available for anything more than friendship. I took her up on her offer and I learned a lot about myself from our friendship.
One of the things I decided to do that was very valuable for me was to make a conscious effort to be as honest as I possibly could with this woman from the very beginning.
Before the bomb I'd had control issues without realizing the extent of it. I'm not talking about Stalker control issues but the kind of control issues I think most people have whether they realize it or not. I tried to manage people's emotions by deciding for them what I thought they could handle or 'protecting' them from what I anticipated would be their reactions to things I was thinking of saying or doing or had done. I tried to manage the way people would perceive me by modifying what I shared with them and how to suit the circumstances. I still wrestle with these things but for most of my life I considered them skills, not a handicap, and I was very successful with it both personally and professionally (I'm also a defense lawyer).
I believe differently now, partly because I was able to watch myself in my interactions with this OW and see my relating 'style'. Because I was still hung up on my W and not looking for anything, I was able to be totally honest with this woman. Ironically, but predictably in retrospect, this level of honesty brought us very close, very fast. But that's another story I tried to warn you about earlier.
I've discovered I am most open to new ideas when I'm in great pain. I suspect you may be the same and that you are there right now. It's for this reason I ask you to consider taking a minute and asking yourself why you lied to OW. What were you trying to protect by not being honest? Why is it important to you to protect that? What fear is at the heart of that small deception?
I think if you follow that rabbit hole you might discover something useful about yourself.
One thing that I found valuable when I was casually going out with a female was that it reminded me of how it was like to date again. I remembered how to ask questions to find out more about someone I was interested in.
I actually took those rediscovered skills and applied them to my W. once I did, she slowly started to open up again.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Before the bomb I'd had control issues without realizing the extent of it. I'm not talking about Stalker control issues but the kind of control issues I think most people have whether they realize it or not. I tried to manage people's emotions by deciding for them what I thought they could handle or 'protecting' them from what I anticipated would be their reactions to things I was thinking of saying or doing or had done. I tried to manage the way people would perceive me by modifying what I shared with them and how to suit the circumstances.
Actually very good description of my own control issue I think.
Originally Posted By: Edmond Dantes
I've discovered I am most open to new ideas when I'm in great pain. I suspect you may be the same and that you are there right now. It's for this reason I ask you to consider taking a minute and asking yourself why you lied to OW. What were you trying to protect by not being honest? Why is it important to you to protect that? What fear is at the heart of that small deception?
Hmmm... very good question Edmond. The easy answer is that I was trying to protect her from being hurt by my answer. But why was I trying to protect her? Not because I would feel badly about her being hurt... not that I wouldn't, but that's not the reason. The reason is that I was/am afraid that if I hurt her, she will walk away from me. So why am I afraid of that? I am afraid of not having her as a crutch through this pain that I am dealing with.
Thanks Dantes
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
