Spoke to H today about bills as are not being paid. He was civil but then starts to grill me about stuff and I said I wasn't going to answer. I feel it is none of his business and if he was interested he would have contacted us way back when when he knew about the incident. Right? He was NOT happy and asked me what the big secret was??? I said "big secret- you are the one with the big secret" and he hung up on me.:)
I will no longer contact him by phone. It is upsetting and he thinks he can pick up where he left off 4 months ago and we are all to play his game. Forget it. I am sure I did not DB correctly. BUt, I am not trying to bust this D either anymore. I was civil, did not raise my voice and didnt talk about R! Pretty sucessful I thought. And, no tears.
After today-I am all for NC!!! Most peaceful six weeks of my life. And a good thing I noticed about myself- I recover quicker from these interactions like I had today. Doesn't wreck my whole day anymore. Maybe just an hour now. I don't dwell on it. Still waiting to hear from L about papers to review.
Do for yourself. Do what will help you heal. Your H sounds about as angry as my W. This is something that is impossible to fight. Yes, your marriage is over just the same as mine. Work on accepting that as a fact. Will things ever change and your H loses some of that anger. Probably not unless "He" decides to do the work.
Please, Please think about yourself.
I hurt too sometimes. My wife was my best friend for 28 yrs. The one I trusted most in my life. I did ask in the beginning how she could do that to me. I was asking the wrong question, but it took time to realize that.
You can't fight MLC, you can't fight anger, you can't fight craziness. So guess what? DON'T.
I think you understand. Hang in there. You will be fine.
My kids are really hurting. Many times I am just speachless as to what to say to them. I validate but they are also sayingg things like " maybe he was disappointed in us or maybe we are annoying". So sad. I do reassure them that this is not the case.
THis is all too hard for an adult to comprehend. How does a child? The longer the NC he has with the kids goes the harder the reconection is going to be.
Some say the D papers may wake him up? Has this ever really happened to anyone? At least for the sake of involvment with the kids. I am no longer trying to save M but he needs to be involved in his children's lives.
I know how you feel, my D is 16 and she doesn't understand it. She feels so rejected by her father, just when she needs him the most. I try to reassure her, but it is up to him to try to a R with her. I have spoken to him about it until I am blue in the face. I want to just shake the crap out of him! He has no clue as to how bad she hurts.
((((hugs)))) for your kids!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Life, I'll go re-trace your thread to see what incident I missed but HAD to comment on this below, b/c it breaks my heart to read it and I SO relate...
Originally Posted By: lifejustgothard2
My kids are really hurting. Many times I am just speachless as to what to say to them. I validate but they are also sayingg things like " maybe he was disappointed in us or maybe we are annoying". So sad. I do reassure them that this is not the case.
^^Good for you. This is by far the worst aspect of the MLC stuff, imo. By far...I say OUCH for all involved...
The mc I had (a great guy, btw) suggested I reassure the kids of what would NOT change for THEM, in the event of a divorce. I also asked each of them what their biggest fears were so I knew what to try and address. They both said moving again was their biggest fear.
Since I knew we'd likely stay in our house for at least 2 years while d1 finished high school, I was able to reassure them of this. And this was a HUGE relief to her and d2. (Son was away at college but he was affected too).
I frequently said "your dad is confused", which seemed true to me. In fact I'm sure that was true...but One time when I said that, d1, (then 16) said "I don't think dad is confused. I think he's just selfish."
Ouch...I said something like "well maybe that too.... but as F. Scott Fitzgerald said 'every man can be an ass once in his life' and maybe this is your dad's ass phase"
or words to that effect. (BTW, I still think it was Fitzgerald who said that but cannot find the quote...)
The main point I made to the kids about their dad's feelings for them, repeatedly, was what I thought the most positive spin was,
which was "you must know your dad loves you, and he'd kill or die for you and in his way, he's trying to find happiness --which he THINKS will somehow benefit all of us..." and in his selfish way, that WAS true. TO HIM it was true...it was also an easy rationalization and total BS...but that's not really the point.
(Hey Life, I'm not suggesting this. It's just what I came up with on 3 seconds notice...kwim?)
I DO suggest reminding them that in your h's way, however well hidden, he DOES care for them. Even if it's not true (and I think it is, in some way true that he does love them)
but even if not, why tell them that? Seems a bit too brutal for kids to hear that a parent forgot about them, especially since none of us know wth your h is doing or going thru...PLUS, reassure them of what you can, regarding the "Sameness" in their coming life. If they don't have to move, thank GOD and that means they'll still have the same neighborhood and friends and school, etc. That's a big deal Life...all you can do is your best on this my friend. You have to compensate for the "disruptor"...
make sense?
THis is all too hard for an adult to comprehend. How does a child? The longer the NC he has with the kids goes the harder the reconection is going to be. TRUE...but it can be rebuilt. WIll it be the same as if nothing bad happened? No...it's like an injury has occurred to both of them, and there will be scars. Hopefully no festering wounds...
my h and d22 (then 16) are working on their r. She was very deeply wounded by h's departure in her last years at home. She said once, "I guess dad doesn't want to be a part of my life so I don't want to be a part of HIS..." that was SO tough to hear.. Still makes me sad...I want to go back in time and hug her again. BTW, at my mils funeral, our oldest 2 spoke. Mind you, mil NEVER called us or the kids while h was gone...2 years and the only time she called was when h was home... So when d22 spoke she mentioned regretting that she didn't know her grandmother well but hoped to still learn more about her, even after death...
The "not knowing each other well" SHOCKED H and his brother. Seriously Life, it was so weird. How could they believe d22 felt CLOSE to her or knew her well?
MIL CHOSE not to be a part of our kids lives, her only grandchildren...and that hurts...and after her death, my kids were respectful but honest. Though we had reconciled already and h knew he had work to do on the r's with the kids, especially the girls, that moment hit him and his brother (absentee uncle) hard. Go figure.
Life, I won't lie and say my d's are the same. As far as I can tell, d14 seems fairly unfazed due to her youth then, and her outlook on life anyhow. Nothing much fazes her. But d22 is very sensitive and she got damaged. But her damage isn't irrepairable. Granted, her opinion of marriage and men has been negatively affected. (Weren't ours?? )
Thank God for places like this one where we can "meet" nice guys who remind us they exist! Today, h and d22 have dinner one on one every few weeks (per my suggestion, yet a part of ME resented it. How's THAT for neurotic??)
Point is, their R IS getting better. And when I compare it to some R's I see every day, theirs is more open and has more affection and interest. H calls her often to see how she is...they talk more now than before and possibly more than they would have, if he'd never left.
I regret making a comment back then, when h gave d22 (then age 16) and Ipod for no apparent reason-other than his leaving.
I made some snide remark about him "buying her off" and I cannot believe I let that petty bitter side come out. But it did. What a witch I was to do that!
Later I apologized to her and did my best to retract. But damn me, b/c I stole the little joy she'd gotten from her dad, the tiny attention he'd given her that meant SOMETHING to her...and I had to stain it with my resentment. I still feel ashamed.
Some say the D papers may wake him up? Has this ever really happened to anyone? At least for the sake of involvment with the kids. I am no longer trying to save M but he needs to be involved in his children's lives.
Give him time. I don't expect the papers to wake him up immediately.
But he'll have to think...at the very least, he'll need to file a response OR lose all by default (not a totally bad outcome, now that I think of it)
Again, give him time. Seeing a L may do more to wake him up than anything else. Sometimes a bit of reality therapy goes a long way.
How are YOU doing?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25. I am trying to keep as much normal as usual. Trying to keep some consistency. I am just floored your MIL never called you. I am trying to point out the "good". He payed the bill, etc. But, have made the same mistake you pointed out that you did too. Shame on me...I realize that now. Selfish of me and won't do it again.
25-Part of me is ready to move on and part of me wants to save my M. Spoke with H today about bills. During this convo. many tears and regrets are shed from H. Me too. Pain is so close to the surface when we talk. Says he doesn't want D. But, he doesn't deserve us. Whatever. Says he can't explain why hes done what hes done. Says none of it has been worth it. Cant face the kids. No one will ever forgive him - I said - not true. But, I said I can't fight his battle. I told him I have waited and fought for him now its his turn. TOld me he is not happy and never will be. Asked if he could call me and talk sometime. I said sure. And, that was the conversation. Just enough for me to get sucked into his vortex again.
Thank you 25. I am trying to keep as much normal as usual. Trying to keep some consistency. I am just floored your MIL never called you. I am trying to point out the "good". He payed the bill, etc. But, have made the same mistake you pointed out that you did too. Shame on me...I realize that now. Selfish of me and won't do it again.
25-Part of me is ready to move on and part of me wants to save my M. Spoke with H today about bills. During this convo. many tears and regrets are shed from H. Me too. Pain is so close to the surface when we talk. Says he doesn't want D. But, he doesn't deserve us. Whatever. Says he can't explain why hes done what hes done. Says none of it has been worth it. Cant face the kids. No one will ever forgive him - I said - not true. But, I said I can't fight his battle. I told him I have waited and fought for him now its his turn. TOld me he is not happy and never will be. Asked if he could call me and talk sometime. I said sure. And, that was the conversation. Just enough for me to get sucked into his vortex again.
Can I get some feedback.
SIGH....yi yi yi....
he is one confused dude. Geez Life, I have to think about all that.
Um, one thing I can say is he's not done sounding.
Okay sure, he could be playing you. But does he know you filed?
If he knows and he said all this to you, I'm even more sure he's not done.
(meaning he didn't say it to keep you from filing b/c you already did)
His shame is paralyzing him if we believe his words. But that's also an easy way to avoid the work of repairing relationships....
I think you said the truth. It's up to HIM now and if he wants to check out...so be it.
But his kids should be worth the effort however humbling. I refuse to say the cliche "kids are resilient"
but I will say, they are forgiving.
I have to ponder....you have an unusual situation, as did I.
I totally get why you don't want to be sucked into the vortex and like you, I felt relief knowing h was going to be gone for chunks of time. But then you wonder, "what IF?" And he wonders too. I had a feeling he wasn't "all happy" with OW or the situation. What's up with the drinking or does he even mention it? I wouldn't at this point if I were you...I think!
For now, maybe it's just got to be all about YOU doing what makes YOU healthy...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks. No, he doesn't know yet. I just received the papers to review today. He seems sincerely sad. But, he IS a good liar I have come to learn. But, not sure a person can sit in their office and cry in front of others and have it be just for a show.?!? Or, can he? I know he loves our kids. He is not acting like it now but he does.
He is constantly through out conversation reassuring me I was such a good wife and am a wonderful mom and how greatful he is for that. He asked how kids were and I said fine but we are all greiving the loss of who we thought he was. I asked how someone could change so quickly he said he didn't know. Drinking came up just a little. He is still in denial. Says he cut back. Not from what I have heard. He said OW is not worth any of this. Never has been. I do still love him but it really is getting easier and easier to get over these conversations each time. Which I think is good.
