Do what I can but still have questions 3

[soccerwife]

Another new thread, yay (she says, sarcastically). Don't know how to put in links. The first was too depressing (K-garten). I developed a ton in the second so it is worth reading (1st grade). I do feel like this is chapter three of this journey. I am now in 2nd grade and can relax at school (becoming old hat).

Took kids to County fair last night and we had a great time. S13 won a fish, D5 rode some rides with my girlfriend, and I got a chance to talk privately with her H who is on of my H's closest friends and someone I really trust.

For the first time I let him know some of the details about what has been going on (H's sleep issues, strange behaviors, and M woes). My friend was grateful that I shared because he has been noticing concerning behaviors as well. He is going to try to spend more time with H so that he can provide him support as well. He is going to ask him if he is ok and if he needs to talk about anything. I am so thankful for this. And I wish I had asked for this friends help sooner.

When we got home, H was here. I got kids to bed and then had some simple logistics conversation w/H that went very smoothly.

Big day planned for our fam today. S13 has junior high orientation and a therapy appt. H has a dr appt and soccer practice. I have my quarterly board mtng at work. And then both kids going to grandad's to stay over night. There is a lot of running around to do and then I will be alone for a good part of the evening. I plan to GAL.

I will read, since H won't be here to get offended. I will run for an hr, make myself a nice dinner.

The dangerous part is when H gets home at 9pm. I will watch some TV w him. I would like to stay up until 11 but don't know if that is a good idea. I do feel strong enough for some conversation tonight. I will test his mood, if he is grumpy, I am off to bed. If he is pleasant, I will hang out and let him approach me with conversation.

[soccerwife]

A big hunk of cheesecake for dinner really made my day.

[soccerwife]

H going away for the weekend... tenting at friend's houses. In the past, each time he goes somewhere for a few nights, when he gets home he is very distant.

Should I inquire about where he is going?

[MrBond]

Sure you can ask. After all you're his W. Just don't push it.

Make sure you have plans.

[soccerwife]

Starting to feel down again. I had to force myself to go to bed without pushing conversation on H. He pursued me a little earlier so I thought he was interested in my company but I really don't want to mess this up and have him go away for the weekend p'd at me.

I am very lonely, but at least I didn't let myself get rejected or backslide into old habits.

[soccerwife]

I have a feeling this is going to be a lonely, sad weekend for me. I will be home with the kids all weekend, so I can't really make too many plans for myself.

[soccerwife]

I guess all there is to do is wait this loneliness out. What else can you do when the only thing that will possibly make you feel better is a hug or some type of reassurance from your sole mate. There is no amount of GAL that can replace that. The only thing to do is accept the pain, DB, and hope that you will be rewarded with extra love later.

[direction1]

One step at a time SC. It is hard, no doubt or way around that. Good advice I read was to be happy..without a reason in the world. Reasons add to that happiness, go within and become a magnet of love and happiness.

Now, even when you're down, find a way to go to that place and take action. Many can relate, here. Focus on the kids.

[Forrest Gump]

"What else can you do when the only thing that will possibly make you feel better is a hug or some type of reassurance from your sole mate."

This is what creates the distance between you. Why do you think that is the only thing that would make the situation better?

"The only thing to do is accept the pain, DB, and hope that you will be rewarded with extra love later."

You don't have to accept the pain. That is not DB'ing. Why do you think you deserve extra love later?

[soccerwife]

I do have to accept the pain in order to forgive. Once I forgive, then I am able to be the rock H needs me to be. If I am the better person I will be rewarded for it eventually, whether it is through I's love or not. I do deserve love.

Getting a hug from him would not make the situation better, and that is why I can not ask for it. However, his love and affection would make me feel better, and that is literally the only thing missing from my life right now... love. I have everything else I need, no money concerns, two great kids, an awesome job, great friends, tons of fulfilling hobbies. But none of those things complete me as a person. H is my compliment and I am in great pain without his love.