Thanks LITB, JS, Valeska. Yup i can see things clearer now. I guess the worry now is "Do i really wanna go back into those waters again???". I am ready to jump right in whenever i see my daughter. I want her to grow up happy with both parents. But when i see my W and her old habits, that enthusiasm fades.
I guess this is where the LBS has to let the WAS make their own journey.
I guess the fact that i am turning 35 next week is also contributing to my regress a bit.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Thanks 2Step. Yea definitely daughter is my first priority.
Journaling....
Just this morning i was thinking about my sitch and on how stagnated it was. Well W made it interesting. She called up asking to talk.
So 2 weeks ago, the macho me told her that i would ask her once if she wanted to come back. I thought she forgot and did not want to ask about it.
Apparently she had been thinking about it. In a nutshell, she called up to say that she is still thinking and that she is figuring out stuff on her own.
That is good. But the whole conversation with her just bought back bad memories. Not the details of the convo, but the way it went.
Wife kept telling me of her own discovery. For the most part i listened and answered her questions. Occasionally i added my own wisdom i gained. Some things that did stick with me are.
1: She still somehow feels that the community is not gonna let her be if she takes the decision to divorce.
2: She reading some books and already reaching conclusions that if she decides to come back then she just tune out my issues. That's not the right approach.
3: Again she keeps telling me on how her decision to divorce was a good one as it helped 'all' of us. In a way i agree with her. But we could have chosen a better way to figure out our issues.
4: All those words that i used to freak out when talking to her just came back. It really took me back about 8 months. And that familiar fear came back. statements like "Just forget it. my mistake to expect this from you", "This has always been an issue in our marriage. Nothing has changed", "Why is it that it is so hard to have a convo with you??".
I feel like a fool after the convo that i am scared just like how i was in the past. I thought i'd never let that fear come to me. But it did. Now i am wondering if made any progress at all. Now with this convo, I am having a bad feeling on getting back with her. I just experienced the past today and it was not good. I am happy now with whatever i have left. If my wife's attitude has not changed at all, I dont think wanna get back on that boat.
She even talked about coming to me and sitting down and talking. I am not sure about what. Then she tells me that she is in no way ready to bring daughter back with her until she and I can have a good R. I told her that the step to piecing begins with what she wants first. Later we can think about daughter. Then she gets upset.
another whopper was when she asked me why i wanted her back. I told her "I told you the reason last time we talked. It is because i still have feelings for you". Then she says thats not sufficient. I am not sure what else is she expecting. I though love or having 'feelings' toward someone was important. She says that respect is important, which i agree. Then she starts talking about how we put each other down. I am not sure what she's trying to do. Rehash the past, or try to work toward the future.
All this 'drama' i have experienced in the past. Today when i talked with her, i felt down, like i made zero progress, like i have no clue what i was doing. But in reality i see my life and i know that i am in control, that i have setup my own little life and my own routines. Do i really want her to come and judge me and make me feel like crappy?
Compared to getting back with her, this lonely life of mine seems much better.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
She is going to rehash the past over and over, because that is all she really knows of you. Even if you have changed, it would take a lot of re-programming for her to believe and accept it. She is testing you to see if you have strength and resolve in your changes.
Just because you went back to your old way of feeling and thinking, it doesn't mean you haven't changed, or that you cannot learn from what you feel and work on it. It is called back-sliding, and it is part of this process. Part of your growth is learning to accept you will have down moments, but resolving to shake them off anyway. This is possibly where true inner strength must be summoned, during the down-cycles.
She came to you to discuss R. She even wants to meet in person. Small positive sign, take it for what it is. She is having doubts. Find a way to avoid her R talk for now. What she really wants to do is test you and your congruence (whether you have actually changed and it is not just an act or illusion). You must avoid the tests, and/or pass the ones she does manage to hook you on. Stick to the basics, avoid R talk, GAL and stay busy. Keep letting her see you have changed, just don't discuss it with her.
Hold the line!
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Well yesterday's convo was okay. I mean convo with daughter. Since we skype everyday, wife can see me and I, her. This sunday she asked me as to why i looked tired. I told her it was because i just came back from a 3 hour bicycle ride. She said "Are you exercising for a girlfriend?". I knew she joked(she knows that i am horrible in talking to women) but still told her "no, i don't". Now i feel i should told her a white lie
She still has no clue about the motorcycle. I have this nagging bad feeling that i should have told her about it. Then again, she never asks me anything about myself. I'll just have to deal with it when she finds out.
Last week when we talked i did tell her "Wife i just want you to know that i am not gonna be living alone if we decide to split. I will search for someone else. I think she took it as i am actively looking for someone. She did sound upset by it yesterday when she called. I clarified saying I am not looking for anyone. Now i feel dumb as to why i tried to calm her fears down Even now when we have a convo i do have this lil hint of fear, though it has gone down a lot. I feel a lot more confident when talking to her.
Enough rambling.....
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
It is the fear that tells you are not where you need to be just yet, although from the beginning till now you have become a new man.
All the time we say or do something that gets a negative reaction from our W and then we beat ourselves up over and over again, ‘I should not have said this, I should not have done that’ no one is perfect so mistakes will happen but don’t rush to correct everything you do.
I am not sure why you are worried about the bike, you did it for you right? So if she wants to know she can ask no reason to explain yourself to her.
She made a decision and while her words might tell you something her actions are clear enough….aren’t they?
If she wants to reconcile then I imagine the same conviction she used to leave you can be used to get you back.
on the whole, I see progess in you mostly (IDK your w)...but dang, SHE said she's "thinking" about your question.
Can we give a tiny little round of applause for that? That's frickin' huge for her.
But I hear you about your new life being a lot more peaceful than going backwards.
But you might well be able to have a NEW M with her. How?
You have the cultural advantage (or disadvantage?) of stigma w/divorce. She actually does feel pressure to work on things with you.
What if her reasons for reconciling are not what you'd like BUT she does the work?
Why does it matter why she returns IF she is willing to attend real MC and or Retrovaille? I'm just asking. I don't have a specific answer. Just want to toss that out.
BTW, you have made remarkable changes Myk. You are a changed man even if you backslide a bit with her. When your interactions with her are calmer at your end, when you don't allow yourself to "re-attach/reengage" with the old stuff
you'll feel so much better.
You may need to make that mantra about "From this day forward", hers...meaning, she will have to let go of her scorecard soon if there's any chance or reconciling. You already have but you could tell her you "will" and hope she will too.
Just super unhelpful.
Finally, IF you were to reconcile, how would YOU be different now?
If you can articulate this, specifically, it will give you vision and clarity of what your goals are and might get her to start thinking along those lines...as in
how would SHE be different?
We on DB know it takes two to make it work but it only takes one to get things started. Since you are here posting, and not her, that "one", has to be you.
Your changes are being noticed! She doesn't trust them yet, but a part of her wants to. IMO, she'd love to believe things could be better for you and her and d. (Not sure of all the reasons why, but it's what my gut tells me.)
Imagine if she felt safe with you, more secure, had more of a partner. If she believed all the changes you have made will last.
I think that's when she'd feel safe enough to make some of her own changes. Make sense?
Good luck Myk, even if you don't reconcile, I think this is great news.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Even now when we have a convo i do have this lil hint of fear, though it has gone down a lot. I feel a lot more confident when talking to her.