Considering I've been physically separated from my H for more than a month and we do have a divorce on file (although it's gathering cobwebs), I thought this may be a better forum for me to post in. Hopefully my current DB friends will find me here and I'll meet some new ones, as well.
I'm trying to figure out what I want to happen in my marriage. I have fought hard (but rarely the right way) to save our marriage for three years now. I am beginning to wonder what my true motivation is. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with him, or do I just want to "be" married to him while our kids are growing up? Do I still love my husband? So many things that have happened have caused me to lose great respect for him, as well as trust in him. I still like and love many things about him, but is that enough? His relationship with my family has been destroyed (I do not think they will ever "accept" him again); how will this play out over a lifetime together? Am I just too afraid to be divorced, too afraid to be on my own?
These are the things I'm trying to figure out so I can know what my goals need to be. Any advice out there on how to find the answers?
We have four kids together, and therefore are in contact on a regular basis to coordinate activities, etc. I see him everyday, as he drives two of the kids to school and I drive the other two. How do I move on and detach from him when he is part of my every day? It's like we are still married, just live in different homes. Is any of this typing-out-loud making sense?
Advice is greatly appreciated. 2x4s are welcome as needed.
Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with him, or do I just want to "be" married to him while our kids are growing up? Do I still love my husband? So many things that have happened have caused me to lose great respect for him, as well as trust in him. I still like and love many things about him, but is that enough? His relationship with my family has been destroyed (I do not think they will ever "accept" him again); how will this play out over a lifetime together? Am I just too afraid to be divorced, too afraid to be on my own?
I too struggled with these very same questions for a long while. Over time the fear of being divorced and alone dissipated and whatever the outcome was going to be I've accepted. I would much rather live the life as a single Dad then to continue living with this new version of my W.
Quote:
We have four kids together, and therefore are in contact on a regular basis to coordinate activities, etc. I see him everyday, as he drives two of the kids to school and I drive the other two. How do I move on and detach from him when he is part of my every day? It's like we are still married, just live in different homes. Is any of this typing-out-loud making sense?
This makes complete sense to me. When we get married and have kids our lives are intertwined forever regardless of what happens to our M's. I think it is beneficial for children to see both parents get along and both be involved in their daily lives. It isn't their fault that their parents can't get along. Since this situation started I have always taken the high road when it comes to my kids and I have become the more stable parent while she continues her downward spiral.
Even though my W and I are not yet physically separated yet I have successfully dropped the rope and detached from her. It wasn't easy and it took a lot of hard work. What I did realize is that when we are no longer living together it will be much easier for me to move on.
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
I think you definitely don't want to go back to the M that's been in jeopardy over these past few years. I think your H has to be motivated at some point to work on himself. Meanwhile, you have the opportunity to work on yourself. Maybe when you don't have the kids, it's time to mix it up a little. Find some things that occasionally you would like to do, but haven't. (Please forgive if I'm repeating myself).
At the very least, you should detach from your H's emotions and stay off his roller coaster. It sounds like you're establishing some boundaries, and that's good.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Thanks for the welcome! I'm so grateful for the support and to see a couple of familiar DB'ers as well as some new friends.
Several things have happened over the course of the week...my husband making the evening of the first day of school a nightmare for the kids and me (being a real jerk about his time to pick them up); him being "unavailable" when one of the kids was so sick he had to visit the ER as well as for me (to help with the kids) when I got the same sickness a couple of days later; he having an overnight houseguest while our kids were at his place (which is currently a sparsely furnished "flop house" and too small for that many people. It was a male friend/work associate from out of town, but someone I have never met, wasn't informed about and that my kids didn't know. They said it was "weird", and I agree!); hasn't kept up with our agreed child custody schedule (he dropped the kids off at 9 am today when he was supposed to have spent the day with them and only spent one of his 3 nights with them this week). These are just a few of the things from this week. Additionally, he's unavailable on one of our agreed upon nights next week for the kids, so they will only be with him one night again.
The blinders have been removed from my eyes. The separation has given me space to see him for what he really is, and that is a deadbeat in many ways. I am moving forward with the divorce proceedings. I've always left that ball in his court, but it is time for me to push this through. As I read about a DBer's spouse on another thread (maybe yours, TeleMark?), my spouse is on an express elevator down to rock bottom, and I have no desire to have myself or my children go down with him. He no longer takes care of his physical appearance; he simply just doesn't care anymore. He used to be so handsome, but now he just appears to be a lazy slob.
I may sound like a bitter, LBS, but I'm actually just starting to see what so many have seen for the past few years while he has been putting the kids and me through emotional turmoil. I owned up to my mistakes in the marriage and made necessary changes. He still holds things in the past over my head when I long ago forgave him. That double standard way of living is no longer acceptable.
I've also learned that you cannot change another person, no matter how much you want to or how hard you try. You can only change and control yourself. I've tried to change/control him for a long time. I am learning to let that go, which is good for everyone. DB'ing hasn't saved my marriage, but it has saved me in many ways. For that, I am grateful.
After such an eventful, crazy, argumentative, tiresome week, I was really looking forward to today, Sunday. I am a children's Sunday School teacher and got my new group of students for the year today; that's always exciting! I also was looking forward to listening to my 2 oldest children sing in worship service. They have been gifted with beautiful singing voices (NO idea where that came from...not me or H!). Also, my oldest son was to read scripture to the congregation. I had informed my husband on Friday that the kids would be participating in worship service; I figured he wouldn't come, as he hasn't been to church since my oldest daughter's baptism last year. Imagine my surprise when he walked in the sanctuary doors. I motioned him over to sit with the kids and me, so he wouldn't feel uncomfortable. It was a great service (my kids being the best part, of course ;)) Afterwards, the kids asked if he could join us at lunch, which he did, and we had a very nice time together as a family. It is my hope and prayer that he can continue to put his ill feelings toward me aside so that we can support our children together when they have performances, games, events, etc. As I've told him, when he ignores and avoids me in public in an attempt to anger or hurt me, he is really only hurting the kids. Maybe, hopefully...that finally sunk in!!!
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
lc4 - It sounds like what I'm hearing is you don't want to be married to your H as he is today. It also sounds like if you were to move forward with the D proceedings, the one he initiated, it may be something of a 180 for you. Regardless, I think you've come to the realization that if you do nothing else, the dynamic absolutely has to change.
Continue to work on yourself to be the best lc4 you can be. Hopefully, regardless of the final outcome, your H will do something for himself as well. He's not in a good place. He is on the express elevator downward.
I'm so glad you had a good Sunday. I'm very glad he showed up for church.
I'm continuing to pray for you. Just let me know how you would like to pray.
I'm continuing to pray for you. Just let me know how you would like to pray.
Love ya so much, JB, and so very appreciative of your support and prayers. HOw would I like you to pray? That's a good question. I've been struggling with what to pray for all morning. So far, the Serenity Prayer seems to sum it up best for me.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
Hopefully, regardless of the final outcome, your H will do something for himself as well. He's not in a good place. He is on the express elevator downward.