Since long before the D I’ve felt like I knew a few things: We both made mistakes in our marriage We added needless stress to our marriage My wife’s A was a mistake Life would go on and I’d be happy again, eventually She would eventually come to terms with the fact that the D would not solve her problems. This would prove difficult for her.
It’s been a year since the A was disclosed to me. I still feel strongly about all of this.
Over the last 4 months my life have gradually improved. I have a great job (got a raise last week). I’m in the best shape of my life. My family relationships have improved, I have great friends. I’m successfully dating again. Life is good. Not perfect, but good.
Yesterday XW calls me crying. She visited a fertility clinic and found out she is infertile. I can understand how this must be devastating to her. I’m now able to put the past behind me and just try to be supportive. She has poor relationships with her family and has few people that are really close. She told me last week that the book I got her for her recent birthday was the only gift she received.
I tried to be supportive, but she lit into me saying how mad she was at me. That I’d taken her fertile years and that I can just remarry an go on, but she is now damaged for life. She hung up then called back a few hours later, asking me if “I though I made any mistakes”. I gave her an unequivocal yes and apologized for my mistakes. I told her I made many, but all my mistakes were coming from a good place. She continued asking about the past, and telling me that she “didn’t forgive me”. She repeatedly made the point that “I haven’t once regretted the divorce” and that “that should tell you something”, even though I never suggested the D was a mistake during the call. I could go on, but I think this illustrates the conversation. I told her I didn’t want to rehash the past, but that I was sorry and if there is anything I can do to help her, I’d be happy to.
This got me thinking. She frequently said in the past we were “not a good match”. I never gave this much thought. I always believed it was our circumstances that led us to our failures. I believe(d) that my success since the divorce is, in some sense proof that our failures were due in large part to the choices we made as a couple, not some intrinsic incompatibility? Now I’m rethinking that. I feel like she is not coming to terms with the decisions she made and feels the need to blame anyone, but herself. I’m willing to take much of the blame but not all. She seems unwilling to consider that she may have added to our failures.
So here we are. Putting on my armchair psychology hat I can see that she is doing some serious soul searching. I think she is trying to justify her actions. Her telling me that she’s never regretted the divorce seems to speak loudly that she is in fact thinking about that. I’m not sure of my point here. I guess it comes down to this. I feel guilty for not wanting to have the burden of her problems, but I want to be a good friend and listen because she is going through some hard times, which I believe will continue for a while.
Any advice?
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
Ummm...just from a strictly technical medical standpoint, you don't generally go from fertile at 28 to infertile at 34, so her argument that you robbed her of her fertile years is just hooey. And I'm interested to know just what kind of workup she had (was she trying to get pregnant now with a boyfriend???).
They might have told her she has some condition like PCOS which makes it HARDER to conceive, but certainly not impossible. Or she could have picked up an std (like chlamydia) from someone that CAN lead to scarring of the Fallopian tubes, but you wouldn't know if it had done that unless you did a special test of the uterus (which usually wouldn't be done except as part of a big infertility workup).
So - I GUESSING that what she was told is that she has some condition which may make it more difficult to conceive, and she's jumped directly to "she's infertile".
Unless of course she has developed premature menopause (rare, but possible) in which case you should tell her she should immediately be tested for gluten sensitivity, as that is one potentially reversible cause.
