The regular season is underway...

[MadeToSucceed]

Figured it was time for a new thread. Keeping with my football theme, in many ways I feel like I'm on to the regular season now...some of the tough stuff of training camp is behind me and now I have to move through each day of the season trying to accumulate wins based on the residual of my intensive preseason training. Know I'll lose some days but the goal is to always strive for the wins and not become to high or low when they come or don't. Below are the previous threads:

Thread 1
Thread 2
Thread 3

[MadeToSucceed]

She's even told people that I did things and wasn't going to change so she had to "be woman enough to walk away."

Now, that being said, she must have had some valid complaints about you and instead of doing the mature thing and discussing the issues with you, she had an affair. Make sure you have taken a hard look at those things and you do something about them for YOU.

AND

If there is anything else you want to change about YOU, now is the time to make it happen......YOU are the captain of YOUR life.

MHL,

Thank you so much for all of your words. I agree totally. As for her valid areas of concern, I fully understand what you're saying. The toughest part is I'd begun to change MANY of those areas months ago...when I was thinking things were better...because she told me she was happy with our direction. I still have the video she sent me via email in late January of this year where she told me how happy she was with where we were headed in our lives. We’d had a long talk that morning about the direction of our marriage and the changes I’d implemented in the months prior and how we both wanted things to go going forward. It was a great talk and we both seemed to be on the same page. I actually just watched it again so I could transcribe her words. Imagine sitting in your office getting ready to start your day and watching your spouse say these words via a video he or she sent you. This was literally January 24th, 2011 when she sent it to me:

Good morning. I know you’re at work and working hard. I just wanted to send you a quick video and say I’m really glad we had a talk this morning and I’m looking forward to a fresh start. I know this might be a little weird but I’m getting down on one knee and I’m asking “H, will you marry me again?” I’m just so ready for that fresh start. I know we’ve only been married a year and some change but I’m learning more, not only about myself, but about you and us and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us. I love you so much and when I said I’m ready for things to be better and I want to fix this, it’s GOING TO BE FIXED! I’m looking forward to the journey together. We’ll look back on it and laugh. I love you. Here’s a quick body shot (turns the camera to her figure and reveals she was actually naked!). If I was you, I’d come home straight from work... (which I did and we made love passionately that evening).

February I had surgery. I then surprised her two days later at a competition she was in. She had no idea I was coming. She assumed I’d stay home because of my surgery and recovery. We had a great Valentine’s Day (and I later found out she secretly began planning my surprise bday party...which she eventually cancelled once this started). March was a great month as was the first two weeks in April...and then it fell apart. But literally from the time of that video we had no major blowups or issues. Life was really good. We were spending time with our married friends, getting into church more as a unit and just all around enjoying life and one another. Then it all went to you know where.

[MadeToSucceed]

In trying to be introspective...these are the things I’ve worked on/need to work on still about me and what were issues in our relationship:

I wasn't always as in tune spiritually as I should be (and I'm still not...it's a work in progress eternally). My W grew up in the church so I always felt she was more spiritually mature than I was. I'm not so sure about that now but at any rate, she was often the one who encouraged us going to church and not the other way around. I wasn't the true spiritual covering I believe I needed to be as the head of the household. I wasn't the image of a husband God intended me to be. I wasn't cheating on her or beating her or drinking excessively or doing drugs or anything like that but there were many biblical principles for marriage that I wasn't living by, nor was I enforcing. In fact, I know she didn't/doesn't respect me because of that. She has told me since this ordeal began she felt she had to carry the load. I had faith but it wasn't strong as it should be. I didn't pray every single day as I knew I should have. I didn't pray WITH her enough.

I had casual friendships with other women and while I knew it impacted her to some extent, I incorrectly assumed that since she befriended some of them, it was ok. This has always been her biggest criticism of me. "Why wasn't she enough?" I can honestly say it wasn't me cheating on her to the extent of physical or emotional. Subconsciously I think it just made me feel good to be a person that women were comfortable having a platonic relationship with. And when I say women, I'm talking probably about 5 total. That being said, since I did cheat on her in college once, I believe she assumed I was always was cheating on her with these women...even if emotionally only. I know I was not but I believe it was her perception I was based on things she never properly dealt with in the past. Her perception is her reality. I can also now look back and see that her female single female friends who have encouraged/supported/enabled some of her behavior over the past few months were probably always in her ear telling her I was probably cheating on her. It primarily is from when we were dating but some of the friendships formed then carried over into our marriage. Coincidentally enough, two of the women who she initially had the most issue with me being friends with are two of the people closest to her now. One was in our wedding and the other she usually rooms with when she is on the road at competitions. I didn't look at things from her standpoint. I've since greatly reduced my interaction with the opposite sex...this actually began for me back in July 2010 when I first saw signs of trouble in our marriage. I'd ALWAYS told her that no other woman was more important to her than me. I'd ALWAYS told her "if ____ is a problem for you I can cut them out completely." She felt as if I did that, I would be making her look bad...that she would appear immature and insecure. Her solution was often to befriend these women to check them out for motive. I felt caught between a rock in a hard place. And when I say communication, it was all via text for me. So one thing I did was to always leave my phone out. I never kept it in my pocket when I went room to room, I always left my ringer on and never on silent and when it would ring, I'd often ask her to answer it or check it. If someone contacted me I informed her and let her know what the convo was about. I did everything I could to reassure her in any way possible.

[MadeToSucceed]

After reading the 5 Love Languages, I also realized I was continually trying to show my love for her through Acts of Service...because that's my language. Hers is Quality Time...so when I'd be trying to serve her, it was cutting into the quality time she desired. I took this as her not appreciating me so I tried to serve her even more in hopes that she would get it and it pushed us even further. It created a cycle neither of us was really aware of. In Eggleston's Love & Respect book, he calls it "The Crazy Cycle" and I now see why.

I also allowed myself to wallow in my own misery of not making it to the NFL. Looking back, I think I was depressed over that for a period of time. As a result, I found excuses not to workout because when I did, it gave me that itch to be able to continue to play ball...but I knew that was no longer an option. I felt like a failure...felt like I'd failed her and my family...then when she went pro I think it made me feel like "how can I ever be man of the house when I'm not the sole provider?" I never have nor do I have issue with the fact she makes so much money...I just stated that portion because I lumped that in to the time in my life where I worried about that everyday....like 3 years prior to us being married. I prayed on it and worked through it so I've long been past that...well before I even proposed to her. It was tough for me because my W would tell me when I’d complain about my weight that I should do XYZ. Well she trains for a living, it’s “easier” for her to say what I should do. It was a difficult transition for me leaving the city where I grew up and where I had people I could work out with on a regular basis and coming somewhere foreign where I had no friends and nothing around me that resembled my previous training environment. I say that to say, it was tough for me to be motivated to work out alone. My W works out during the day while I’m at work. In the evenings I would have class, studying and/or working on things for my W’s website. So I would be tired. The truest alternative was waking up at 4am or going to workout in the evenings. When my W would diet, I would participate but when she would stop and go back to eating pizzas and fast food, so would I. It was ok for her because she trained everyday. For me, since I wasn’t as active, it impacted my weight. In doing so, I gained weight and was almost touching 300 pounds when my college playing weight was around 245. The first step I took to correct that was back in February when I finally had corrective surgery to repair my shoulder. The plan was to rehab and for 2-3 months and then begin to workout again to lose the weight. Coincidentally, the end of that time frame was also when my W began her A. I gained more weight in February, March and early April because I couldn't do much physically due to my surgery and she pretty much told me that she was not attracted to me anymore as a result. She said that is part of what contributed to her new found “wandering eye.” I weighed 290 pounds in late April when I was cleared by my doctor to resume working out. The combination of stress, eating better (and early on not eating) and working out has me weighing in at 252 pounds this morning. This was not a change solely for her. Not in the least. I feel better. My clothes fit better. Actually...my clothes don’t really fit now...they’re too big! Once I’m financially able I’m going to have to get some new clothes and/or get things altered. And I’m not stopping there. My goal is to actually get down to my freshman year of college weight of about 230.

[MadeToSucceed]

Another thing I've tried to address is my pleasing tendencies. These show up not only with my W but with friends as well. I've always been THAT guy. If there was a party and/or social gathering, everyone contacted me. I planned everything. I was the one with all the connections. I was the one that got stuff done. In doing so, I often would sacrifice my own happiness in trying to "run the social business." I'd get stressed about making sure everything was lined up right, that we could get into clubs easily, that we had a table, etc. I think this bothered my W. I now know it did. She felt I was too concerned about what everyone else thought about me. I believe there is truth to that. That I was trying to "be somebody" through trying to take care of everyone around me and even though everyone included her, I think she wanted more time dedicated to just us. Being a huge football fan, I'd often want to go to my college's games. She would come but I think she would have probably preferred to do some things not football related. That's not to say I haven't ever done romantic getaways, cooked dinner, etc but she always felt I put too much emphasis on football. Last season, I scaled that back dramatically. Did stuff with her on Saturdays and Sundays during football games and pretended like it didn't bother me one bit.

That last one is the one that gets me...one of her big complaints (my focus on football) is now what she is immersing herself in: life with a football player. We went to a pro game of one of my former teammates last year. As we were waiting on him to come out after the game, his W was talking to my W and I. She was telling us how tough it is being a W to a NFL player. How she has to constantly deal with groupies and the like. Afterwards, my W told me she was actually glad she never had to deal with that. Told me that she would hate living that life. And yet now, that is the company she chooses to keep. Pretty ironic. She is now the woman that my friend's W was talking about. Her single friends have been "that woman" for a while. Always chasing after NFL guys, being heartbroken and running to my W for advice. She would always direct them to God's word and encourage them not to go that route because those type of guys only lead to heartbreak. Now her stance is "I can't judge them because I never thought I would be doing this. I just want to be happy."

At any rate, that's what I've got. Going to see my counselor today at church. Then have to talk to my L about the direction I'm going to go on the adultery thing.

[jbnati]

MTS, it's been awhile since I posted to you. You've have been getting some tremendous feedback and advice.

First of all, I really like your football theme here. I feel like , if anything, you should get penalty flags instead of 2x4s.

You are doing a fantastic job GAL'ing! Keep it up! You are engaging in healthy activities.

When we're in mediation they're going to ask why we're getting a divorce. Irreconcilable differences is not why. Nothing biblical is why. She filed, not me. I'm feeling as if I'm part of the problem, with the church and society, if I just let it go.

You hit a hot button with me here. "Irreconcilable Differences" just burns me up. Our law system right now favors the WAS. It's such a cop-out. I, like you, am not willing to perpetuate a lie. (Okay I got that out there, I'm better now) I cannot sign off on that. I'll stay tuned to see what your L has to say. First and foremost, pray about and see what the Lord has to say, too.

Continue working on being the best possible MTS you can be, and the man God is molding you into. God will use your situation and your pain to further his Kingdom.

BTW I read a book awhile back in my situation about winning your wife back. It's a Christian book with a football theme. Your football theme here kind of reminds of that book.

I'm still praying for you. This is just the darkness before the morning.

[jbnati]

MTS -
P.S. Yes - definitely sign up for a mission trip if you have the opportunity. It will change your life. Also, I found it really minimized my situation. It made my W's agenda seem so petty in the grand scheme of things. It gave me some clarity on how lost she really is right now.

[MHL]

MTS,

Great introspective look at yourself in those posts!!!!!

Also it is good that you can look at yourself through her eyes......that will help you when the anger comes....and it will.

Much to respond to and I will have to later but I just want to say that those are great books you read.......Love and Respect does not get put out there enough IMO but it is good. I will say that it is a great book on the dynamic that is created between a man and a woman in a marriage.

Another Book you may want to consider is "How to improve your marriage without talking about it" by Stonsy and Love.

Keep focusing on YOU!!!!

Cheers

[westcoastfella]

A few comments from me, Made:

--It sounds like your W was very insecure about how you felt about her when compared to other women. This is something that I can totally empathize with. Very early on in our relationship, I did things that, looking back, I believe were very affair-like, i.e. thinking, feeling, and doing things concerning other women that were inappropriate and far beyond the range of "normal" thoughts and feelings toward other people. Nothing that could actually defined as an affair, but stuff that was very close to it. My W already seemed to have a pretty bad sense of self-esteem (probably due to her sexual assault as a teenager), so these things really damaged us.

From then on, I played a similar role in my relationship, i.e. constantly reassuring my W that she was the only girl in my world but apparently not doing a great job of it given our eventual progression. After her A began, this was one of her chief reasons listed for leaving me: "always feeling second-best." Though we did things that made them insecure, I have to wonder about our W's: was it that they were pretty insecure about themselves to begin with? That maybe we could NEVER do enough to buttress their battered self-esteem and these A's have more to do with their insecurities than anything that we did? Hmmmm...

--I would really recommend that you take a look at "The Passion Trap" by Dean Delis. The thing you mentioned about your W's "wandering eye" really made me think of something that Delis put down in his book. Basically, if you ever get a chance to read it, go through the chapter about what happens when a PT imbalance is created between two people. Eventually, the one-up will become fed-up and unattracted to you not so much because of your actual appearance but because of bad relationship dynamics, and a "wandering eye" is the first big sign of someone who's looking to escape the relationship. An A is usually not far behind at that point.

[♪CS♪]

Great introspective look at yourself in those posts!!!!!

Ditto!