It's not that I can't forgive, it's just that I don't think I could forgive knowing that she told me up front and then went ahead to have a fling anyway - it's not just disrepectful, it's downright cruel to me AND the kids. It shows a lack of morality and character and frankly I don't want to be with someone that has the capacity to do that to someone they supposedly love and who puts themselves so far ahead of the kids.
Thanks. Yeah, you're right. She'd want to date the guy I used to be - funny, social, spontaneous, thoughtful, sensitive.
be him^^^ again. Be the better choice. And be the best dad you can be. It matters more now than ever...
Yeah, thanks MLC. Am rapidly becoming that guy. It's tough though.
Today I offered to make her an omelet. She said "only if it doesn't take you 30 minutes. In the past, I have had to run out of the kitchen and put the stove on minimum to take care of the kids when they are fighting or have to go to the bathroom. So sometimes it takes 20 or 30 minutes to cook what should be a 10 minute omelet.
So right after she made the comment, she went upstairs to fold the laundry. 5 minutes into the omelet, one of the kids starts screaming for me so I put it on low, go in and start dealing with it. She yells from downstairs "can't you handle the f'ing kids"? So I reacted poorly, saying "Yes, but just don't yell at me if the omelet takes longer than you want" to which I get an instant scream: "Shut the F up you fing ahole...you're such a dick. I HATE YOU!".
This has been a pattern for a long time. I make a slightly objectionable comment and she reacts with extreme rage and verbal abuse. How to break the pattern? If I say nothing, she thinks i'm a wimp and can't stand up for myself but if I argue then i'm an a-hole.
Maybe the answer is next time just make myself an omelet and don't bother asking if she wants one too?
Could really use help as if I can figure out how to deal with the unprovoked rage, that will be a huge step since it's a daily occurence.
Calidad, Women tie their feelings of love to respect. You earn he respect by setting boundaries about her behavior. You validate her feelings then set a boundary about how she talks to you.
"I understand you are stressed and don't like me right now. When you talk to me like that it is disrespectful, rude and a bad influence on the kids. The next time you do it, I will point it out and if you continue to do it I will record you out of control outbursts."
Does your phone have a camera? Know how to use it quickly.
She can't stand being around you because she knows that you are allowing her to behave badly (language & A) and you have not stood up for yourself, her or the family. The OM is a predator and deep down she wants your protection, it's primal. Boundaries provide her some safety which she is craving. Do you love her enough to protect her and your family from this OM? She wants to know that you do. She does not respect you right now, earn her respect back. Strong, loving and fearless works.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
CD, I totally understand and get why you are so angry- what you describe is just horrible.
But, like others have said, don't react in anger. Your kids are the ones who will really suffer from it. My only advice is to take a breather, go dim, and collect yourself before you do ANYTHING. You might come to the same conclusion later, but at least you will arrive at that decision with a cool head.
I feel for you on the OM. I believe my H is with an OW as I type this, so I get it. But 25 is so right, you may surprise yourself with what you can forgive. One of my goals is to be able to look my D in the eye later in life and say, I did everything I could.
Thanks for the support. Yeah, I am with you on the "did everything I could" front. Really trying hard -- it's just tough to stay on point when kindness is met with straight up abuse. Today was a tough one. Hopefully tomorrow will be better!
I think I will stop doing things like making her breakfast and dinner. It's something I've done for a long time so stopping will signal a change.
It's been an emotional roller coaster the last 10 days since she dropped the bomb.
I have admittedly done some terrible things in ignorning her and demonstrated a great lack of compassion for how much pain she was in.
That said, I am now really thinking back to my day-in-day out life and analyzing why I wasn't more empathetic.
The reason I blamed her was because she has actually been a monster. Every day the smallest mistake or forgotten task or the slightest hint of attitude or backtalk has been met with severe verbal lashings. Seriously, there was a long time when I though she might have Tourettes. This still happens now that we are separated, living together - but not as often.
For instance, if I didn't do the dishes to her liking, she would go on a tirade, accusing me of not doing them well intentionally so that she would have to redo it and stop asking me (that paranoia showed up in a lot of tasks - she was always accusing me of sabotaging things so that she wouldn't ask me to do them).
Then, if I tried to discuss it or defend myself calmly (I always keep my cool), I would trigger instant and severe rage, "F you you fing ahole. You're such a loser, d#$f$ck pansy s#$tbag" She would do this in front of the kids all the time. She would also scream at the kids (during 12-30 months in age) in the same way probably 1-2 times a week during her post partum. Sometimes she would just look at me and sense my nervousness was enough to trigger verbal abuse.
She also has had highly enhanced senses - smell and hearing especially to the point where ordinary level music, sounds, barely detectable smells cause acute pain to her and she needs to leave the room (she claims she was always this way but I don't think that's true).
After she gave birth, I believe her hormones became unbalanced. It would explain a lot as she recently took a personality test and it actually classified her as a man (which she's proud of?). She acts like someone who has too much testosterone - kind of like someone on steroids.
So while I am highly regretful of the pain I have caused her by totally neglecting her and her needs and treating her poorly for 5 years -- I want to hear from the community - is the behavior I am describing normal for a woman who is miserable in their relationship? Or does it sound like there is something else going on?
Been doing some research and re-reading about Postpartum Depression and Postpartum PSYCHOSIS. During her postpartum she kept telling me she had depression and I would tell her it was psychosis and she needed to see someone. She refused to see a doctor, went on Anti-depressants and that was it.
Now that I am rewinding, I realize that 90% of her behavior - the paranoia, the extreme rage and anger, hallucinations, night sweats, lethargy, abusive behavior, negative thoughts towards kids, etc. are all signs of postpartum psyhcosis. When she would have rage fits, as soon as she was done she would return to normal quickly and acted as if nothing had happened.
Assuming that she did have postpartum psychosis - and they say if it's not treated in can recur later in life (which seems the case) - should I try and correct my mistake and get her to see a doctor now? Or is that just inviting more confrontation?
