best part is that YOU decide asap that you don't need her to give it to you b/c if you take too long, SHE will choose to have someone else with an envelope see you so she doesn't have to.You need to be the one to Make the decision it can be mailed, instead of her deciding NOT to see you.
You're right. I made a decision this morning. Sent her a simple text:
Good morning. You can just mail the check to (address). Have a great day.
No response. Not looking for one. If I don't have the check by Monday or Tuesday, I'll follow up via email with the exact same message. If I don't get anything by next Friday, I'll have my L contact hers. I'll go cash the other check today. Going to use it to pay down a couple credit cards and take care of my October rent for my apt.
Last night I went to my men's group at Bible Study. God works in wonderful ways. I'd been saying I wanted to do some missionary work...my ultimate goal is to go to a foreign country but I'll start with baby steps. I'd emailed our Men's Group Leader early yesterday and he told me to get with him after we met as a group. Well I'd also been on the fence about whether or not I should take a trip this weekend. I'd told a few people I'd make my decision by Wednesday night.
In our Men's Group we're doing Tony Dungy's Quiet Strength Men's Bible Study. Last night's topic was What is Your Security? Definitely hit home with me. We opened up reading Job 14:1 and Psalm 30:5. We talked briefly about the 9/11 anniversary and how ultimately our country was attacked when we least expected it. A gentleman there shared that his wife walked out on him last year on Sept 6th. He said this year on Sept. 6th he made more money than he ever had in one day and was the leading salesman at his job. For everyone else, Sept 6th was just a day. For him, it had real meaning. I guess both of those depictions helped me realize further that our security can never rest in a person or things but that it has to be in God because people and things will come and go. It was also empowering to know and see someone else who'd been where I am now that is coming out on the other side and prospering.
They asked for prayer requests and I asked for prayers for my marriage. As we were leaving the group leader mentioned a missionary opportunity that the women at the church were participating in this Friday night and that they wanted some men to help out. That was what I needed. That was my "sign" of sorts that I needed to stay home this weekend instead of travel.
It all hit me at once. I need to serve. That's my Love Language. Acts of Service. I need to feel wanted. I need to feel appreciated. I need to know I'm helping to improve someone's life and/or helping them through tough times. That's been a big void in my life these last 5 months. I haven't felt that because the person I served most was my W. Not hearing thank you or being able to see the fruits of my service manifest itself in her life has been the root of a lot of my pain. I've felt useless. I could easily run after a woman and try to get that feeling from there but I know that's not for me. Its counterproductive and its only temporary. So Friday night I'm going to get to serve and help people. And I'm really excited about it.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
And you have a good point about those who do acts of service missing that feeling of appreciation from their spouses.
The insight you gained is valuable--that SOME of your needs indeed can be met by OTHERS...
your w is not the only person in need in this world,
but she is the one person who says she doesn't want you on her journey right now.
So go serve and reconnect with those in need. So many out there!!
If it gets draining to you, pull back some. We all need balance and some self nurturing too.
Good luck, hang in there.
(( ))
PS I admit it...
I kind of can't wait til you post on YOUR fb page about a trip you take doing some service work.
Okay now, back to detachment...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think you have a lot of good things going with yourself. Remember to concentrate on the good things going in your as opposed to the bad.
Is Acts of Service your LL or is it one that you can give? IOW, do you feel loved when someone is doing something for you? Are you more of a Words of Affirmation person - where you like someone giving you thanks for a job well done? What is your W's LL? Just curious.
It's good you are finding a healthy outlet for this gift of serving.
I think it is one that I can give. Even in my M, I never really cared a ton about the Words of Affirmation. It was just knowing that what I was doing was being appreciated and for the most part I think I can honestly say that my wife appreciated my efforts. I think she underestimated the time and energy I put in but she appreciated the end result. So I suppose my truest LL is Acts of Service and Physical Touch (sexual). I do feel loved when people do things for me but very simple things...my W would sometimes have dinner ready when I got home or bring me lunch to work. Those kinds of things. I was never big on grand presentations. Just simple stuff. And Physical Touch in the sexual sense helped me feel connected to her. This died off in our M relatively quickly and I believe it to be because of the emotional disconnect, lack of trust (on either end) and I suppose her not feeling as attracted to me anymore.
I believe my W's LL to be Quality Time and Physical Touch (non-sexual). So when I was continuing to try to do this, that and the other FOR her, she was more interested in us just sitting and talking or something of the sort. She was also a big hugger/snuggler. She'd come and just want me to hold her in the mornings before work sometimes. Those are areas I initially neglected but had become much more in tune with around Thanksgiving of last year. And subsequently, those are also the areas I miss most.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
I kind of can't wait til you post on YOUR fb page about a trip you take doing some service work.
Don't have to wait much longer...that "trip" will come this evening...more on that in a minute.
After my Men's Group on Wednesday night I went to get a massage. The lady giving me the massage asked me if I pray. I said "Yes...actually quite a bit these days." The next hour she basically talked to me about faith. It was pretty amazing. It was kind of like God was filling my need in that moment through another person. She was sharing somewhat of a testimony with me and essentially told me that she'd made choices earlier in her life that led her to taking herself to "hell" and back and it was only until god brought her to her knees that she was able to begin to rebuild her life.
Whether you're a believer or not, I think this is true for the WAS. Until everything begins to fall apart they'll continue down their paths of destruction.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I saw my counselor at church and had a good talk with him. I also scheduled an appointment to meet with my pastor again for a follow up meeting in a couple weeks. I had class last night and we got out a bit early so I decided to go see Kevin Hart's Laugh At My Pain. It's in select theaters and is only a hour long. I've seen him perform live before and took my W to see him both times. I appreciate his comedy because it's just as the title of the film says...he uses his life's painful experiences to bring about comedy.
I got out of the movies around 11pm and decided to hit the gym. I did cardio for 30 minutes, some ab work and upper body work before I headed home and showered for bed.
Now back to what I mentioned in the first sentence of my post...this evening I'm going to volunteer at a local shelter with some church members. We're going to play games and serve food and just fellowship. It may not be a trip like one of jb's but it's a start for me so I posted it on my fb and twitter accounts. I honestly don't know if my W will see it. She probably won't because I don't think she really is concerned with what I'm doing these days but that's ok. It is something I'm proud of being able to do.
I'm going to take an exam during my lunch break today so that I can sleep in late tomorrow instead of having to go to class. Then I'll go back to work for a few hours, take a few pairs of dress pants to be altered (having lost so much weight, none of my stuff fits right anymore! Good problem to have) and then I'm going to get a haircut before finally going to volunteer today.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to sleep in. I need to schedule my last call with my DB coach Lenni but I want to finish up my LR Letter before I do. Maybe I'll do that tonight before going to bed. I'll probably watch some college football during the day and have halfway considered going to a local play tomorrow afternoon. Wish I had someone to go with though but I may go alone. I'm actually going to have a small fight party as well to watch Mayweather/Ortiz at my apartment. A few friends asked what I was doing for it and figured why not order it and enjoy some food and drinks with friends. I'm looking forward to the weekend. Hope you're all doing well today!
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
Whether you're a believer or not, I think this is true for the WAS. Until everything begins to fall apart they'll continue down their paths of destruction.
Unfortunately this is very true. It often takes this just to shift the dynamic.
Originally Posted By: MadeToSucceed
Now back to what I mentioned in the first sentence of my post...this evening I'm going to volunteer at a local shelter with some church members. We're going to play games and serve food and just fellowship. It may not be a trip like one of jb's but it's a start for me so I posted it on my fb and twitter accounts.
Don't discount this at all. This is very good stuff. I am actually hoping to volunteer at a homeless shelter a week from tomorrow with my church. Very good stuff. GAL'ing on steroids, man. This will really take your mind of your situation. For me, these kind of things really make my situation seem very, very small in the scheme of things. Good for you!
Sounds like you have some very, very good stuff going on!
