Not quite in midseason form...yet

[jbnati]

MTS, sounds like you had an overall good weekend. Glad to hear it.

It's interesting because like jb, I'm the only guy in my group most days but the ladies welcome me and the group leader even told me in front of the group yesterday that they'd all gone out to eat for lunch last week and were talking about the fact that they admired my commitment and dedication to my M and the fact that I was going to the "right places" to get my help. That felt good to hear.

Welcome to the club, MTS. I guess guys like us who are willing to share, are dedicated and committed to our Ms, and especially are willing to go outside our comfort zone are hard to come by. Our Ws are really missing out.

[MadeToSucceed]

Yesterday I got quite a bit of stuff done during the day in the way of GAL'ing before class.

I received information on my assignment for the college football game I'll be working this Saturday. Really excited about that opportunity this weekend. And on top of that, I'll drive to Houston on Saturday night to meet up with my brother and 4 of my friends for the Texans/Steelers game on Sunday. I scheduled a face to face meeting with a potential employer (that came about from my networking a few weeks back). That meeting will take place on my anniversary next Monday so that'll be a good distraction. I contacted someone for info about potential mission work. I even took some pants to be altered. I'm down 40 pounds since April so rather than go out and buy a whole new wardrobe, I figured I could start trying to make the stuff work that I have now.

Random question here: how many of you still wear your wedding rings? I only ask because I still do but sometimes feel foolish for doing so. I see it is that my W and I are still married so not wearing it is pretending that we aren't. It does feel kind of awkward though...I once went out to eat lunch with a female friend and just felt weird for being somewhere with another woman that wasn't my W...even though we were just eating in broad daylight. As if eyes were on me and my wedding ring and my friend without hers. Does anyone else ever struggle with this? I know it "shouldn't matter" what others think but its a human emotion for me and one I'm working on getting past.

I sometimes even will find myself putting my hand in my pocket because I feel some shame in the fact that my M has "failed" when I'm around other M people. Oddly enough, I recall the last time I saw my W face to face...she continually glanced at my ring on my finger. Her eyes darted back and forth to it. That was over a month ago and that conversation didn't turn out well because of all my pursuing behavior at the time but I still think about that observation. I assume for the WAS a wedding ring is like poison at this point. It's still odd that for the longest my W actually traveled with her rings in her purse. I'm just conflicted on it sometimes. I end up feeling guilty for stuff I know I shouldn't.

This all dawned on me when I was walking across the parking lot yesterday from washing clothes at my complex and a woman who my W used to train with and her mother pulled up to the leasing office. They were one of the first people we ran in to the day after I proposed. My W and her had a falling out of sorts a while back and we were never really close before or after that but it just was an awkward moment. It was as if we both were trying to figure out if the other person was who we thought but we didn't want to stop to ask. I found myself looking back when I walked through the gate to see if it was her and sure enough, she and her mother were still sitting in the car looking at me too. Pretty sure it was her. At any rate...that's when the wedding ring question kind of dawned on me...I guess since I don't know what the woman and her mother know (although I'm sure she's caught wind of the talk) it just made me feel somewhat uncomfortable.

And to top it off, a classmate of mine came up to me last night to tell me the following: "I was telling my friend about you and how you played football in college and all he could talk about is how good of an athlete your W is!" I kind of laughed it off. It really didn't make me feel any kind of way except on the end of the wedding ring thing again. Am I delaying my detachment/not "moving on" by still wearing it and/or showing my W a person who is still "clinging" if she sees me with it on or sees it on my finger in a picture or something?

[jbnati]

Random question here: how many of you still wear your wedding rings?

MTS, I think it means different things to different people. I still wear mine. My S has taken notice. He asked me once why I still wear it - I just told him it was because I'm still married. For me, it's symbolic. It's defiance of my W's game plan. Sometimes it's a reminder of why I'm "running this marathon" of you will. It's a reminder of who I am and what I stand for. It also tells other people who are aware of our situation where I stand. My W may have taken hers off long ago, but I am standing for my M.

[MadeToSucceed]

For me, it's symbolic. It's defiance of my W's game plan. Sometimes it's a reminder of why I'm "running this marathon" of you will. It's a reminder of who I am and what I stand for. It also tells other people who are aware of our situation where I stand. My W may have taken hers off long ago, but I am standing for my M.

Same reason I still wear mine.

[25yearsmlc]

People, I'm curious...

If the divorce goes through, will you take it off, and if so, at what point?

There are a few people on this site who wear their rings though they are actually divorced, and their former spouses have remarried.

and even 1 who still wears the ring, though their ex spouse remarried and even had a child with OM. he says divorce is just a piece of paper...

(NO, I'm Not advocating that, just noting it).

Also, will you wear the ring at mediation?

From a L standpoint, still wearing a ring while in divorce mediation & settlement matters,

can look like pursuit AND or denial, or stubborness, or whatever.

Curious--WHY do you want the WAS to know you are wearing it?

If it's just for YOU, then why let them see it?

Anyway, I worry that it puts the LBSer in a position of weakness from the standpoint of property negotiations. The LBSer appears vulnerable

so the WAS seizes the moment...and says "Oh, well, I THOUGHT you wanted things to work out...so why are you fighting me on custody/house/money"?? (IOW They use it against you.) "Give it ALL to me to prove how much you want things to work out..."

it's a lousy thing to do but it does happen. The ring is a symbol, but it's a different symbol to different people.

I just thought I'd mention the legal part. You want to look reasonable and as if you are resigned to their mistake

BUT you are showing yp b/c you care about fairness to YOU

b/c they are NOT looking for that.

MTS, I know you don't have kids to worry about, (YET!!) or becoming homeless. You are fine on your own, which makes you a man coming from a position of strength.

But for others, it might apply. Just mentioning it.

[jbnati]

If the divorce goes through, will you take it off, and if so, at what point?

Geez...I don't know if I'd take it that far.

As far as during legal proceedings, I am not sure at this point. But what you have up above, 25, is food for thought.

I don't wear it for my W's benefit. If she sees it, she sees it. If she doesn't, she doesn't. She's never said anything about it. It's primarily for me. Honestly, most days I don't even think about it.

Back to your thread, MTS.

[cjackson968]

Hang in there dude... It's a tough road. I've been in your shoes and I know how you feel. I've also been the OM, before I met my wife, when I was younger and naive to the destruction it causes.

In my situation, I never lost contact with my wife for as long as you have your wife. I'm not sure if that is healthy or not because as her husband you are to lead her and how can you lead her if there is no contact. But no mater what God is in control just follow your heart and follow the word of God.

Just remember to keep your faith and let that faith lead your life and your decisions. Use this message board and the teachings to assit you however pray before making any and all decisions.

[MadeToSucceed]

That's the same way I view it jb.

I don't honestly wear it for my W to take notice. If she does, she does. If not, oh well. I just happened to notice my W looking at it the last time we talked.

On ANOTHER note the OTHER check she gave me bounced today also.

So after NOT calling her on her bday a couple days ago I just had to call her to inform her about the other check...to which she was extremely irritated and came off like it was my fault. I did my best to remain positive but I felt the life sucking out of me. She more or less caught an attitude and said she would put the money in the account tomorrow. It just frustrates me because she was talking to me as if this were my doing or as if I'm the one that is "after her money" when in fact this is something the judge ruled on in temporary orders because of her wanting me out of the house.

I guess I feel like whatever I gained this weekend by not reaching out was lost tonight. Kinda down in the dumps about it all now.

[jbnati]

[quote=MadeToSucceed}
I guess I feel like whatever I gained this weekend by not reaching out was lost tonight. Kinda down in the dumps about it all now.
[/quote]
I don't agree with you here. You just reached out in business. It wasn't like you were reaching out personally. Sometimes I think the WAW is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. She's going through her own drama and you're just catching her in the middle of it.

[25yearsmlc]

is there someone other than her, (or other than you) whom you can call when a check bounces? Like her personal assistant?

When my brother bounces checks to my h and I, (for a home our mother lives in which HE selected)

and HE gets perturbed when h or I call him and say "wth? Itd be easier if you just didn't send us checks at all, so we don't incur fees OR warn us so we don't cash it...." He sighs and intimates that we are inconveniencing HIM with our petty complaints about "another penalty"...

My bet is my brother is too embarassed to call ahead (but it's not like we won't find out.) But he turns it around on us.

and so does your w.

Plus in your w's case, she can get angry about the issue in general, b/c it's not something she "volunteered" to do. As she gets more embarrassed, she can convert that into anger at you...so much easier than regret!

But there's no way she can bounce a check, twice, and not be mortified.

Since we know guilt backfires, I guess humility isn't going to help you either.

But time will help. Let it pass. Don't make this more than it is.

She's embarassed and annoyed and probably sounded rude to you.

If she was over the top, she knows it.

I'd definitely contact her assistant for these types of things...for sure...

Hang in there, and remember this "incident" is on HER end...not yours.

So don't let this bother You more than it bothers her, okay?