Thought it would be done by now...part 3

[lifejustgothard2]

So, I am still here. 25please see my previous thread with a question to you.
So, how do I get rid of these buttons??! that I let him push.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Just 25 then?

Life,

The 'trick' about buttons...is like any problem the first step is realizing you have one.

Once you do that? Now it's not the other person's fault, not truly, when you react poorly when they are pushed. Now it's mostly on you.

Do you know what your buttons are?

Identify them and...if you have more than 2...limit it to working on the 2 biggest ones.

If you know someone (husband) is pushing your button on purpose to get a reaction out of you...one he is counting on. You can laugh..because when you DON'T react the way he wants you to? Now he gets upset. Oh..yeah...and then he'll likely try to mash that button several times.

But for each time you don't react? Increases the chances he'll stop pushing it; not right away, but eventually he should. He'll also start looking for other buttons to provoke a reaction...more than likely.

Actually getting rid of a button? It is very hard if not impossible, the first step, and really the only step you need...is to not react to it. That in time...is how you either remove it...or become numb to it.

Oh...one more thing. You don't let him push the button.
You do however, let yourself react poorly to it.

All about you. All you.

Not him.

[lifejustgothard2]

I am working on two buttons right now. Just never thought of them as buttons.
Also, I can't forgive myself. I will never let it go. THere is a thread of truth to some of the things. So, how do I forgive myself for something that led to the demise of my marriage?!

[25yearsmlc]

not sure what the buttons are.

Is it that you don't get why he doesn't get that you/kids are worth the efforts?

Did you read my post about my GREAT sister in law and my GREAT older sister?

Both beautiful women who married men not as attractive, not as socially skilled or popular and both had men leave them.

(And both are happier now but at the time they felt like YOU...)

The underlying question is really about

"why doesn't he love ME/US enough?" and it misses the point AND

is not answerable.

In my older brother's case, he is simply LAZY...doesn't like ANY conflict and will do anything ANYTHING to avoid it.

His 1st wife expected him to show up for their d, and to help with finances, around the house with projects etc. So she'd make requests--all normal stuff. He'd sigh and moan and slowly, maybe, do it. What a pain.

But my bro is lazy....SMART & WITTY BUT LAZY....get it?

So he divorced her...moved away from his only child whom he DOES LOVE...as best HE can...for a JOB he loved...and then lost the job but still didn't move back to where his ONE child lived.

now, he's remarried a woman with VERY LOW expectations of him
b/c she knows he's gone overseas 9=10 months a year (Afghanistan mostly)

now that he's having his 2nd child, (her first) we'll see if it changes.

I'd bet you $1000 he will remain away after a few weeks with new baby.
My siblings and I don't get it. We love him but we agree he's a neglectful dad and yes, we've made the point.

For him, the joy of fathering a newborn seems outweighed by Too much work, late nights, interrupted sleep, no bonuses or awards or medals for good fathering...no public accolades...

I love my brother. But he's a lousy h and neglectful dad, and always was.

It's HIS FLAWS that caused this. Whether he loved his first w enough, well I guess not.

He loves his d and will love his new one. But he won't be around them much...

I cannot explain why.

I can hope that both his ex w and his present w, do not take it personally b/c I am positive it's HIM.

My older sister's ex? Sure he DID regret his divorce. Too little too late and mostly b/c it seemed to him

that he "fu#$%ed up" but

the way he said it made it clear to ME, that he was somehow seeing himself as a victim.

Like he looked at what HE LOST and not what HE CAUSED...

so my sister wasn't too moved so much as saddened at his own choices and how miserable he is now with his new groovy "high maintenance" wife (his description)...

she expects a lot of him and he expects little from her. Role reversal, karma at its' best, whatever.

I think your h shows signs of being too lazy like my brother, and too self centered like my ex bil, to do what is needed...at least any time soon.


My sister spends NO time now, wondering why her ex did what he did.

She lives her life well. So does my former SIL.

So will you, if you choose to. Stop thinking you are not enough.



Maybe Your h isn't enough to do enough...

that's not about you it's all about him.

YOU are in charge of your buttons now...deflate their power...

identify why they are inaccurate perceptions of yours and reframe the issue.

then take back their power b/c it belongs to you.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Forgiveness is like love.

If you cannot love yourself, how can you love someone else?

If you cannot forgive yourself, how can you forgive someone else?


If you cannot forgive, then you are living in the past...at least a part of you. You know what else is in your past? Your crappy marriage. : )

Beat yourself up a little bit. BUT, only enough to make you strive to do better. Do you best not to be that person, to not repeat the mistakes you made.

Forgiveness is also NOT forgetting.

Forgive yourself, but do not forget. Always be better then what you were.

[AntoniaB]

If you say you will never let it go, then you won't.

I think a lot of what we're going through is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you say you'll never forgive yourself, you won't.

If you say you WILL let it go, that you WILL forgive yourself, then eventually you will, not all at once, but gradually.

I can clearly see the demise of my marriage too...and I can see how my childhood learned patterns of behavior, just as much as my XH's, made me into who I was, made me into someone who reacted VERY poorly to any attempts he ever made to change...and I can also now see that I kept claiming things were wonderful long after they were not. I did a lot of things wrong.

But so did he. And I think he knows it too.

There is nothing we can do about it now. I think it was Brooklyn who said to me a few weeks ago that I did the best with the skills I had at the time, and that I never set out to hurt him. I also think that he never set out to hurt me with OW. I think we did the best we could and we messed it up because we had a childish view of what made an adult relationship work because both sets of our parents had (and still have) terrible, I mean TERRIBLE marriages. We're lucky we kept it good as long as we did. Meanwhile our parents hold fast to their "years" of supreme dysfunctionality and verbal/emotional abuse like it's a prize they've won for endurance.

I mean, if any of this type of thing is true for you, if there is anything in your past, in who or what made you who you are, that then contributed to the way you were in your marriage, then how it is YOUR fault? You acted as best as you knew how at the time.

Now you know better.

Forgive yourself because you did what you were capable of. Yes it's terrible that a great relationship suffered as a result, but you get a second chance now that you've woken up to this, and some people never get that.

(((HUGS)))

[25yearsmlc]

hadn't seen this post when I posted my last one. I'll respond more later but first, never say never....silly really.

You discussed forgiving HIM but you won't forgive you?

Geez Maybe HE is right, you would not forgive him "completely" if you won't do it for yourself...

you did what you did with the tools you had then. And you made some choices that were lousy.

Oh Sorry but were you in the Saint Club and now got kicked out?

I thought you were in our "Humans Err Club"....

Allow me once to repeat myself (again!!)

"Mistakes are not tragedies, but dear God let me learn from them!"

I am working on two buttons right now. Just never thought of them as buttons.
Also, I can't forgive myself. I will never let it go. THere is a thread of truth to some of the things. So, how do I forgive myself for something that led to the demise of my marriage?!

What led to the demise of the marriage was 2 people making mistakes...and then ONE of them hiding a shitload of theirs'

and drinking a lot and then using even worse judgement in decision making

and cheating on his wife and leaving the whole family.

Once again I say, Life,

if this were really all about what a lousy WIFE you were

why isn't your h fighting FOR THE KIDS?

Were you ALL horrible people, except him?

You're starting to not think so straight. Work on it and make a course correction so you get this right in your head.

Don't let him suck you into taking ownership of HIS choices...geez what a pattern!!

And no, that doesn't mean I'm glossing over your flaws. Tell us them if you like. I am betting you whined and nagged and criticized b/c he was gone a lot and you felt neglected.

That's a total guess b/c you never mentioned other issues...

so you own them, you work on them, you become a better partner so the next man you are with

gets the best of you.

Maybe it'll be h, maybe not.

But work on you and maybe as you see/feel yourself growing as a woman,

you'll find forgiveness easier.

[exquisitetobe]

Life,

Take a good look at everything you were put through.
Imagine your best friend or even your daughter been treated the way you were treated. Would you put the blame on them or would you be supportive and try to make them see REALITY ???

You didn't asked nor deserved any of this! None of us did.
It's a misfortune that this tragedy hit each of us but dear god,
do not feel responsible!
In a way, i think our husband's departure is in fact a blessing because in the anger stage, life was unbearable.
Be kind to yourself and pull away from the crazyness a bit!
You need a break!
Take care OF YOURSELF!!!!

[lifejustgothard2]

Thank you everyone! for all of your input! I do appreciate your words and advice.
I had to think about my feelings to these posts and think about why I -not him- am feeling this way. Yes, it is time to figure me out. The only person I can!Just has this revelation tonight. NO joke.
Anyway, forgiveness is something I have been working on. I am known by my H to hold grudges against him. He is right. Many thing were never worked through. Just a quick -sorry honey and that was that. Lots of rug sweeping. I rarely felt heard. I was made fun of for having feelings. His thoughts on feelings are-"I want facts not feelings". Yes, I agree, you cant lead on emotions but they are real and to be felt. He didn't agree. IT is what it is was his favorite line.
So, I have been working on forgiving him because I see my errors.
Forgiving myself I have yet to work on. Until tonight.
IN our marriage there was very little room for imperfection when it came to me as his wife. I was held to a higher standard. One I could never meet in his eyes. The bar was always moved.
Until finally one day I said enough. ANd that my friends is when all h*ll broke lose. Little by little he didn't like it.
IT was freeing to me. I realized he was a perfectionist who expected me to be the same. He couldn't obtain his own goal so I had better to make him look better.
I am not playing the blame game. I own my part- heaven knows I do. I could have learned better tools but I truly did the best I knew at the time.
THis is good for me to say all of this. Bringing me some clarity.
I believe he projected on to me his failures.
I loved him for who he was. Not the money he brought home, what he looked like or who he knew. Just him.
I know I wasn't a lousy wife. Could I have been better of course. But, no I am not perfect. NEver will be.
I believe with all my heart I held up my end of our vows. To the best of my ability. I would have done anything for him.
He has just lost the best friend he ever had.
25-In the early years I did often ask-nag whatever that he be home more. We wanted to spend time with him. For me it was about the quality time not the money.
He didn't like this. He was working. OR, so he said. SO, I thought who am I to complain.
Here he is working so hard - providing so abundantly for us. I can't complain. SO, I will be a good wife and mom. Then alll he has to do is work. Come home. Kick up his feet and eat and enjoy the kids, football whatever.
Well, come to find out we were competing with the bar scene. Booze and a lifestyle I will never become accustomed to. Dont want to either. He took this path.
I realize it will take time to heal. But, I want to move on. I have been alone for so long.
Even when he lived here I realize now I was alone.

[25yearsmlc]

great post Life...

and when I said nag, criticize, I just posted the "usuals", not bc I thought they were true.

but when h worked late for the money or the accolades, I recall feeling that he was being selfish for choosing the admiration of colleagues over the admiration of his family.

I didn't want to welcome him home with open arms b/c I felt he didn't "deserve" that...and if we were all happy when he returned home, that he'd take advantage and do it MORE rather than less...that I was "right" to be angry...denying my anger would be "wrong"...

and as rational as I believed that to be at the time, for YEARS, it never occurred to me that I should change my approach b/c

1) it wasn't working; and

2) being warm and loving might make h WANT to come home more, not less.

I brilliantly carried on that way, until h had left and only then, with DBing and some space, did I see what a proud fool I had been.

I think you learned that lesson earlier than me. And you know what, it's done.

your h did a lot of blaming and criticizing... and he's gone for now.

and that, is that.

back to YOU and YOUR NEW LIFE. I think your insights are going to be fruitful. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.