Alternatives to "I'm sorry you feel that way."

[Handler]

You can view my WAW in MLC mode situation at: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2169516#Post2169516.

One of the responses to my WAW in MLC that I've been advised to use when she voices her frustration with our marriage is "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I've hit this so much that it's sounding redundant.

Any other phrases out there that I can use to convey this message?

[a girl]

Some people use things like "That must really hurt your feelings" or "It sounds like that really upsets you", if applicable.

[tjb54]

Handler,
Since my sitch is so similar to yours, may I ask your current status? My W wants me out as well, and I'm looking for a place atm. My kids are the same ages as yours except I've an additional S4. I can't figure out in my head how to tell the kids. Have you guys approached this yet? Are you LRT or...?

[aeolianchaos]

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

I would try to avoid that one - it can actually be perceived as invalidating to their experience. Especially if they are already touchy.

What is your goal in doing this? Is this tactical or strategic for you?

Active listening is a powerful, powerful tool in a lot of situations. While I don't think it should be the foundation for everything, it will certainly help in lowering the temperature in a potentially volatile situation.

I think it can be very effective to ask questions as this affirms and demonstrates that you are trying to understand their feelings and needs.

I don't know your situation enough to really give you some good examples of where this could apply. But in general, if you can elicit more information from someone about What they are feeling, how they are thinking, what they are perceiving, and what they want.. it can be useful for you as well as allow them to feel more fully 'heard.'

Perhaps you can give some examples.

[greenblue90]

I think it's important to break it in two. There's the times when you are really listening, and there's the times when you just want to tell them "that's your truth, but not reality!!!

For the first one if you truly want to listen, and take what she says into account. Just quietly nod your head and really listen!!! No phrases are needed except the occasional, I see, I know, and I'm sorry. Anything else will just sound canned.

On the other hand if she is just going into hardcore WAW and is merely yelling at you for the sake of being mean and hurtful. Diffuse, but don't take blame.

I know "you feel" this way, hopefully we can avoid something like this in the future.

Sometimes the best answer is to simply say:

I'm sorry you feel this way, and walk away!!!!

Lets face it often you are just getting baited.

I think the trick is realizing when they are trying to communicate, and when it's just venting. Either way if you're a guy let her vent, and don't try to fix anything. She wants for you to lend her an ear, not give her a hand. i think I'm copyrighting that one .

[Handler]

Hello tjb54,
My heart goes out to you as our situations are similar and you're probably dealing with a lot of the same stuff.

We're still in the same house and I am the process of filing a response to her divorce papers. She has accused me of stalling the process and says that her animosity grows toward me daily, and that it is horrible for her to still be living in the same house.

We still communicate daily about child care issues and are juggling transportation as we both work. She was actually very pleasant to me on Friday and we went to dinner as a family. She was warm and engaging throughout Friday night, and was back to snarling at me on Sunday (today).

The roller coaster continues, but I also continue to try and be the person that only a fool would leave. I've kept my cool the vast majority of the time, and in some ways, I've found some strength and respect for myself in continuing to not fall for the bait she lays out. It is still hard for me to connect this person with the one I used to know. There must be a lot of pain in her for her to continue to push me into an angry response.

She has talked about telling the kids, but has not forced a time line for this. Most of the professional advice I've received is to keep the talk with the kids as neutral as possible. No talking about the affair or pointing out that it is she who is driving the D effort. I'm fine with this with my 9 year old but the 12 year old is going to want to know details. I have no need to let him in on the affair (but have my fears that a peer will do this at some point as word spreads through our town). It will be hard for me to not let him know, if he asks, that a D is not what I want.

Handler

[Handler]

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

I would try to avoid that one - it can actually be perceived as invalidating to their experience. Especially if they are already touchy.

Thank you for the thoughtful responses.

She is very touchy at times and perhaps this saying is not helping.

What is your goal in doing this? Is this tactical or strategic for you?

My goal is to make her feel like I'm listening to her and to get her to be more comfortable in talking to me.

A more distant goal is to prevent us from being divorced.

I don't know your situation enough to really give you some good examples of where this could apply. But in general, if you can elicit more information from someone about What they are feeling, how they are thinking, what they are perceiving, and what they want.. it can be useful for you as well as allow them to feel more fully 'heard.'

Perhaps you can give some examples.

Here are some examples:

She told me this evening that it is very hard for her to be in the same house with me.

She told me this evening that her animosity grows toward me when she feels that I am lengthening the divorce process.

She has told me that she is not interested in spending time with me.

[Edmond Dantes]

[edited by dbmod: advertisement not allowed]

[aeolianchaos]

I'll take a stab at this.. it's kind of hard to imagine for me right now, but perhaps these would be useful for you to help her feel heard. I will emphasize that if you go this route, you need to be strong enough to not defend yourself from what she says. It may sting a little, but if you just let it be "information" you can actually follow the trail and learn a lot.

And if there is truth to some of it - well you can own it and apologize sincerely and succinctly.

She told me this evening that it is very hard for her to be in the same house with me.

"So you feel like being in the same house with me is difficult?" "Why do you think you feel that way?" "What do you think it is that makes it difficult?" "When did you start feeling that way?"

She told me this evening that her animosity grows toward me when she feels that I am lengthening the divorce process.

"You feel like I'm lengthening the divorce process, and this makes you feel hostile towards me." "Why does that make you angry?" "What do you think I'm doing?"

She has told me that she is not interested in spending time with me.

"Okay. I understand. Let me know if you change your mind."

Without being there, its hard to fully conceive a lot of this. People tend to confuse their perceived strategy of getting their needs met with their actual needs. So, sometimes when you ask questions to elicit information you might get a better window into what the heck kind of needs she is trying to meet through this strategy of hers.

If you pay close attention to what she says when she answers, you might start to be able to pick up on some themes and some clues as to her needs/wants.

[Handler]

Thank you aeolianchaos.

It appears that she has been hiding money again, after I initially discovered some problems in July. I discovered this yesterday as I was preparing to pay bills. I told her at that time we need our income going into our joint account unless we otherwise agree (Which was the practice during our M). This led to some hard discussion last night where I got to try some of your suggestions. She has told me that she will explain the missing check that never made it to our joint account from her work but I'm still waiting.

It is clear that she is very angry about our past and how she felt I treated her. I think the question approach was good in that it got her talking but I sure didn't like what I heard. I have noticed in that past that she lightens up the next day quite a bit after venting. I haven't seen her today so don't know if this happened.

She's sent me a couple emails today to which I haven't responded, as they didn't require a response. I'm beginning to wonder if she really is someone worth fighting for at this point...