I've been quiet the last few months, as there just didn't seem to be much to say anymore. I've still been following everyone else as usual, just haven't felt 'wise' enough to comment on anyone else's situation as of late. Anyways, here is the link to my old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2173814&page=1
So we are coming up on 1year of being separated. And almost nothing has changed since the last time I posted. H moved into his own house the beginning of July, and it kind of feels like he didn't count the first 9 or 10 months of separation since we spent so much time together and he was living at his moms, but spending so much time here.
To make a long story short, over the past year, we have somehow become really good friends again. I 180'd everything, and it totally helped our relationship. We get along fabulously, when he comes to see our young children, I usually stay and hang out with him. Sometimes he stays after they go to bed, and we watch our shows etc. Sometimes he leaves right away. He always kisses me goodbye. We are still ML occasionally. He still frequently comments on how 'hot' I am, and will sort of 'hit' on me. Like he will peak in when I am taking a shower etc. He will offer to give me the occasional massage. (which i totally don't get - if I thought i wasn't in love with someone anymore and wanted our relationship to be over, I seriously doubt I would be all that attracted to him. But I'm a woman, so what do i know about the male mind when it comes to sex). He has shown jealousy occasionally. He is kind and normal, and we haven't fought about anything in a year. We've learned how to debate stuff constructively. But I know I've done 95% of the work to get us to this place, and I'm okay with that. Someone had to.
We haven't had a R talk in several months. The last one - after months of what I thought were great - he told me still isn't happy and still thinks our marriage is 'probably over'. Still won't talk about divorce though. Still won't say its over. Still won't make any actual decisions. My guess is that he doesn't want to hurt me further, so he thinks dragging it on will break me in softly. There is still no OW in the picture as far as I know, and quite frankly I pretty much know where he is 24 hours a day. Not b/c I ask him, but usually b/c he tells me everything. IDK.
I dont want to rehash everything that I journaled in my previous posts. But we still are in some weird state of limbo. I definitely know that he is cake eating, but at the same time, following the DB theory and the languages of love theory, this is the stuff that he wants. he's totally the guy where if I completely detached he'd say to himself 'oh - well eff her, if she doesn't want anything to do with me, I don't want anything to do with her, so lets just get divorced'. Thats totally his personality. Also, detaching would probably be very difficult since we do have two little children (oldest is 5, the youngest just turned 2) to raise together.
So... its almost been a year. How long can I really do this for? I like so many others have told myself a thousand times that I was dropping the rope, but obviously Im not quite there yet. Our relationship just seems sooooo good right now - with the one small minor detail of our separation and the fact that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I have backslide a couple of times. ANd Im not going to beat myself up for it. For example, things have been going so good, that I suggested we go to Muskoka for one night away, no strings, just a break from our work lives etc. He said no. I said, no problem as nicely as I could. And it was fine. But I just don't know what to do anymore.
Life isn't horrible right now, its pretty good. But i am getting frustrated with the fact that I cant go out for dinner with my husband (without the kids - we still go out as a family once in a while). That we can't go to a party together, or vacation. I am DYING for a vacation with my husband. I just wonder how long he thinks things can go on like this. I honestly don't have any more tricks up my sleeve at this point. Either he figures out that we can make this work, or he finally figures out that he does't love me anymore. Either way, I don't know see that I have any influence over that. And thats fine. I just dont know how long I can wait for this. I am okay. I know I will be okay in the long run no matter what. But I still want this.
My life is very busy with a full time job and my two little ones, and all of their activities, and the gym and running, and spending time with my friends etc. I have GAL as much as a single mom can. Kay, I definitely have some more to say, but I'm exhausted from journaling just this, so I am going to stop here from now. I forgot how mentally draining this can be - but oh so therapeutic.
Thanks for listening. And any advice would be greatly appreciated. As usual, I'm totally rooting for all of you, and I'm constantly amazed and touched at all the support this board has to offer.
Wow, you're a trooper for sure! Big kudos for sticking it out for a year. Some people just don't have the guts or the patience, but you're obviously very strong.
To me, it seems pretty obvious that he's still into you and ponders the idea of continuing the relationship, but he seems unhappy and wants to think that everything would be better if he just cut his ties with you. This seems to be the underlying theme behind all WAS: surely leaving your R with your S will lead to the true happiness that awaits, right?
Have you thought about dialing back some of the friendly, intimate stuff after a while (i.e. letting him kiss you, letting him peek in the shower, etc.)? If he thinks he doesn't have to work for it, he probably won't respect having it until it's gone.
Hey 4B... wish that things could be better for you...
Just thinking, you did a lot of 180s and you feel that things are going really well... couple things, here...
What do you want "more" of? What do you want better?
Also, your H says "the M is probably over"... so, cake eating or not, what you feel he WANTS or not... he's not just saying he's not sure, he's showing it, as well...
IOW, he's not chasing you... so... what could you do to GAL or 180 that would make you a real catch in his eyes?
Maybe he's just not into ANY R right now... but... we all chase the candy that we can't... quite... reach...
Hi guys - haven't been on in a while again. Finding it harder and harder to find the energy to post these days. But thats not a bad thing as it means I am doing more and more to keep my mind off stuff. Its weird, I definitely do NOT spend 24 hours a day thinking about him anymore. The days that go by without us talking - which is usually about 2 to 3 at a time, I am actually fine. Maybe a bit lonely from an emotional perspective (well that not quite the right word, as my friends have been fabulous and a big support, but I meant more from a 'partner in life' perspective). Its almost like its more weird for him to be here then for him to be away now.. Anyways, thanks for the support folks. As always it means a lot. Westcoast - I've been pondering what to do for a long time now in terms of 'dialing back'.. Its weird b/c all the friendliness/intimate stuff was initially a 180, but now I am constantly wondering if I need to 180 it back now - does that make sense? My biggest concern with dialing it back is that H has consistently voiced over the last year that, although things have gotten way better, he's not sure they will last. And i know him well enough to know that if I dialed back any sort of intimacy that his first thought will be 'oh see she doesn't want me again, just like before'. So I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I find myself constantly soul searching these days. I don't even know what I want anymore. I keep thinking I will just instinctively 'know' what the right thing to do is right now - either continue to stick it out, or drop the rope. And in terms of dropping the rope, I struggle with how to do that (other than dropping the intimacy stuff), as we have two young children together and I want to ensure that we maintain a healthy relationship with each other for the rest of our lives b/c quite frankly, our children deserve that. I just don't know anything anymore. And KD - i think you said it dead on - I don't think he wants to be in a R with anyone right now - I think he is still sorting out his own issues including depression, and he can't see past that right now. And I am doing my best to respect that. Honestly my friends and family think I'm nuts half the time at how normal, civil and friendly we are to each other. But he has given me no reason to act otherwise (other than my broken heart, but I know he hasnt done that on purpose or out of malice, if he doesn't love me, he can't force himself to). Oh hmmm in terms of what do i want more of or better - well honestly, I think our R is pretty darn good these days. 2 or 3 years ago, I was too stupid to realize how blessed I was - well i think we were both too stupid - we had some fantasy of how perfect a marriage should be. So what do I want more of - well I want my partner in life back. But right now, I'd settle for him wanting to go to a movie. KWIM? all the small little things I've wanted before I've pretty much got right now. I have to say I am quite content right now - just missing my husband. I know thats hard for people to understand. In terms of making me a better catch, I'm honestly out of ideas at this point. Suggestions? I have been GAL - he's noticed. I'm in great shape again - he's noticed. I 'think' I am fun again - one of his biggest complaints - and I 'think' he's noticed that too. I have a life, I have tons and tons of friends, who he knows love me to death. He knows other men are attracted to me. I always make sure i look and smell nice these days - which he has DEFINITELY noticed. I'm a better mother- doubt he's noticed that, but i wish that he would. Anyways, I admit I really don't know what makes a woman a good catch, and every man is different. My H's currency is just a mystery to me right now. So men, please TELL me - what makes you nuts about a woman (in a good way of course).
On a side note - completely not related to anything - I organize a Run for the Cure team every year for my local Mommy's group. This year I had a group of 35 people on my team, and we raised a lot of money. As captain, its a lot of work to organize, and its kept me insanely busy the last month or so. I also only just picked up running again in mid-july, when our local gym opened (as I used to run early morning or later in the evening when it was cooler - without H here, i couldn't do that any more b/c I had nobody to watch our boys). So when the gym opened I was able to use the treadmill on my lunch break over the summer (WAY too hot for me to run outside at noon).. So anyways, I only really got back to running for the last couple of months, but I ran my personal best 5k on Sunday at 26min so I am ecstatic. I know there are some seasoned runners on this board, so I know its not all that great, but for only training for 2 months, I'm pretty darn pumped. H was really surprised too. Its funny, since I took up running again, he's commented a hundred times about how he needs to start running again. And he's always complaining about how much weight he's gained lately. So maybe i'm inspiring him - who knows. I do know that I inspire my kids, and that helps to heal my heart :)and I know I'm going to be okay.
Just my .02- sounds like you need to create some boundaries. He actually sounds like my H in a lot of ways, and the only way I have been able to get his attention is to do exactly that. When I have been polite, but detached he notices and pursues.
You don't have to ignore him, you don't have to be curt- but are you letting him be the one that calls? Are you cutting the conversation short? Are you maintaining an air of mystery? Are you not always available when he calls? Seems to me like he needs to really understand what it is to miss you, because as you said, he's cake eating.
I know, I know, I know how hard it is to drop the rope. I am struggling with it as well, and a lot of what I'm telling you is stuff I keep telling myself. But we have to really work on detaching and becoming better people, and worry less about the outcome. If by doing so we save our marriages, that's great!
And right now I'm working on practicing what I preach...
yes boundaries. Logically I know I need to do that, I just don't even know where to start, but I've made the decision to start trying. I'm going to have to figure out what boundaries make sense, and which ones don't, as they mostly relate to our kids. Still unsure about the whole intimacy thing, but I am going to try my darnest to dial that back. Really - what do I have to lose at this point? I NEVER call him, and rarely text him unless I have to ask him to watch the boys or something. He usually texts me first and I never text him right back, unless he has something urgent to ask me etc (again usually about the boys). I would love to create that 'air' of mystery, but again I am wondering how to do that..
This week/weekend is really hard - Thanksgiving is when we separated last year. I have made no thanksgiving plans, but I know he plans on taking the boys to his big family dinner. I think this is a good time to start detaching more though, as I'm already a bit down about the holiday, and I find it easier to detach when I'm feeling sad. I know that's probably the opposite for some people. I just figure if i can get through the sad times, while picturing my future without him, then again I will be okay.
4B, gotcha on the thanks giving thing... We had always gone to FIL's cabin for TG and last year, I still went... the OM hadn't been realized at this time...
This year, I won't be there, my folks won't be there, my sister and her family won't be there... there's going to be at least 8 people "missing" from the table... the new OM will probably be there, but it would be nothing more than interesting to see the dynamic and hear the meal prayer... anyhow, not bugging me, just a thought I had, today...
As far as how to make yourself "attractive"...? uhhhhh... Well, thing is... I don't know if this would work for your H...
I like a woman who has strength of character, who dresses sexy (while still "appropriate", KWIM) when out and about but doesn't obsess about herself, either... I like a woman who likes to have fun, likes to get dirty (like "real" camping, not this camper stuff), who is a bit handy... I like a woman who is flirty, but emotionally and morally stable, and who isn't afraid to approach me...
That's some basic stuff, but your H might find a lot of that potentially pushy... so IDK...
What I would say though, is... just... be his friend... I like that in a woman, too... not doting and smothering, but just... hang with him, listen to him, chat with him... support him when he's feeling down (not the "issue" but rather the emotion of being down) by being there and helping lighten his mood... and hey... if you have some specialty desert that you make best... nothing wrong with bribing him with some home made apple pies or banana bread...
thanks KD. Figures this weekend is going to be just gorgeous too.. so I guess we have to make the most of it.. What I would do to be up north at a cabin this weekend - actually by myself in a cabin would be even better lol.. Anyways, I know its silly to ask what makes someone a good catch. Obviously different strokes for different folks. Just being his friend is actually the approach I've been taking for the last 6 months or so, and I think thats why things have stayed good between us. So I guess I will keep doing that. Honestly though, I just wish I could get over all of this and just finally move on.. I wish I had that done feeling, as I worry that I will be in this exact same place 2 years from now. I think I feel more lost now than I did a year ago when we decided to separate - for two months (clearly I was naive about that). Sigh.
Ummm....just a thought.... If there really is no OW - and if you two are getting along so great but he's not moving back towards the relationship.....
Any possibility he could be gay?
I know that seems out of left field, but - guys don't usually leave without an OW. Except when they are gay and struggling with their sexuality. Or when they really don't like you anymore at all (which doesn't sound like him).
KML - I have to admit I've wondered that at times myself, mainly when I have been trying to figure out SO badly why he doesn't want to work on 'us'. I've also had a few friends suggest that to me - not b/c they suspected he is, but b/c they can't figure out why he doesn't want me (but my friends love me to death, and of course think he's stupid for risking losing everything). IDK - obviously nobody can know someone 100%, but deep down, I don't really think that he is. If it were true, then he's a darn good actor. And the way he looks at me, the way its always him initiating intimacy, how quickly I can turn him on etc, well it just doesn't make sense. But then again, nothing about this makes sense. I think a OW would make more sense. Don't get me wrong, I am not naive enough to believe 100% that there is no OW, there just has been no reason not to believe him up until this point. My whole situation is just so baffling. The only thing I keep going back to is that he is struggling with depression, and he can't sort out whether our relationship is the cause of his depression or something out. He's always maintained that he's 'just not happy, but doesn't know why'. He admits he's no happier without us. IDK. All I can do is be supportive, and just make sure I do everything in my power to ensure that my kids don't suffer - and that they have a happy healthy relationship with both of their parents, and always feel loved no matter what. Ughh I haven't thought about the gay thing in a long time, now I am going to be analyzing everything all over again all night (not your fault KML!). Thanks for the feedback...
