Hello all, new member here. Been married 16 years, together 20. We have 4 children together under 10. She is the love of my life, always has been and we are each others best friend. Last year my wife had a two month email/phone relationship (August to September) with a guy she had a crush on all through high school. They had met through a freak of chance through her work. I found out when I saw an email she had sent him of her in her underwear. I confronted her and she was devastated, embarrassed and ashamed. She begged me to stay with her and that she'd make it up to me forever. She said it wasnt my fault, I was a fantastic husband and dad, it was just that she'd always wondered if this guy had liked her or not. It was an ego stroke. I was utterly crushed. I did not want us to be apart and I love her so much, but I couldn't let the "affair" go in my mind. For months it haunted me, and I would let her know it a couple times a week when it did. Oddly enough, we connected very deeply as well. My wife and I had fantastic sex, and we were joined at the hips like teenagers. It didn't last long.
Unbeknownst to me, my wife was feeling beaten down by my not being able to let go of her transgression. In her mind it wasn't that bad because it was never physical, and as she says, "it never would have been physical". I now know she would cringe every time I would text her because she was afraid it was me saying I was sad that day. I've gone through all of my old texts, and maybe one in twenty was about my being sad, or the affair- the rest were very upbeat. I guess one in twenty is enough, though, to condition someone to cringe. My wife started to feel less in love with me. In June of this year I was feeling particularly upset about the OP and sent texts to my wife saying I wished I had told the OPs wife so that he had to go through my hell. That sent my wife over the edge and she finally let me have it, saying she didn't like my hateful tone and was afraid I'd never heal. Hearing her pain, oddly enough, caused me to be able to finally forgive her. In the days after, however, I began to feel distance from her.
Our sex life slowed down, her eyes went dim. In July she seemed sad. I asked what was wrong and she said she didn't feel any love rush for me. She said that she hoped it would return if I just gave her space. She said she didn't feel like having sex until she was better- she didn't want to "fake it". We cried and hugged and I agreed to give her space. We continued to live as a happy couple, laughing etc., but not intimate touching. She would not discuss counseling or any outside help as she thought she just needed to "cool off". She assured me there was no one else.
Two weeks ago, suspecting something was amiss, I went into her work bag and found a thumb drive. I put it into my computer and found pictures of the OM from last year. The drive had been created this past February while I thought we had been fine. I knew the old pictures had been destroyed, so these were new. When she got home I confronted her. Yes, they had been speaking on the phone again one or two times per week (I verified the records, it was true, they'd speak five or ten minutes, that's it). He had been texting her pictures of himself (some shirtless) which she would throw on the drive. She said she had begun feeling lost and loveless in February so she reached out to him as he was the only other person who knew about the affair (I know, bad). She had been talking to him about us. This time, she had no interest in him other than as a friend. She said her feeling for him last year had been exhausted and she wanted nothing from him nor was she attracted to him. Given the frankness of our discussion that day, I believe her. I was so sad, and felt so betrayed I almost died. She unhappy been unhappy for years and it was about her feeling "broken" inside, not the OM. She agreed to tell the OM that it was inappropriate for them to speak any more. Unfortunately he's still a contractor on a work project until the first week in November.
I had an accident recently (still healing) and my wife has been taking excellent and loving care of me. She cries often (so do I) and tells me she does love me, deeply, and wants to get that "in love" romantic feeling back desperately. She says that she wants "us" back more than anything, and that I've become the husband she's always wanted over the last several months (although she does admit that part of her wonders if I'll just go back to my old ways if she opened her heart back up). She is worried (scared to death more like) that the feelings of "in love" won't return. She says she feels miserable when at home because of all of this and hates hurting me. She's been afraid to go to counseling because she doesn't want to be told there's no hope for us. We have not been intimate since mid-July, though she always tells me she loves me and we kiss good bye and good night.
It turns out that my wife, who's always been so sweet and agreeable has only been that way all of these years because she buries her feelings as resentment rather than argue- a skill she got from a mother that wouldn't tolerate any arguments from her. Apparently my parenting skills and lack of helping her with chores (at least, not my fair share) has caused her to be filled with bitterness that she does not know how to let go of. We read "What You Can Feel You Can Heal" together and for the first time last night she wrote me a "Feeling Letter". I thought it went well, but she said she felt sadness after writing it, not a rush of love (like it says in the book). The first letter was only about a small resentment to start, but still I did feel a little hopeless that she felt not much other than sadness after writing it.
Has anyone here tried this technique? How did it go? Is there hope for us/ my wife to get her love back for me? Any success stories you could share? I seriously thought about flying the both of us out to Colorodo for a face to face with Michele (I think it would help), but cant afford the two day fees (I have four kids!). Has anyone tried a face to face? I feel like I'm dying inside I miss my wife so much.
Have you read Michele's book, Divorce Remedy? She also has several free articles here on DB's home page. Read the WAW Syndrome article. There are several youtube on Michele talking.
Having a WAW is a very serious matter, but to have a WAW who has an EA or PA is extremely harmful to the MR. It is very difficult for both of you to heal, but it's not impossible and you can survive this crises.
The main ingredient is for both of you to want the M to last. Most of it, right now, depends upon your W. Does she want the M?
She is wrong to keep "looking" for some sign of "in love" emotional feelings toward you to come in and knock her over. It won't happen that way....and I'll tell you why. When she began to indulge with sexual talks with OM, that contaminated her heart/mind. She experienced a new sexual thrill from their conversations, and she hadn't felt that way in many years. You can read on the Internet how her brain released a hormone that made her feel like "falling in love". All you have to do is type PEAs into search.
This is as addictive as any drug you could purchase. It's the feeling she had that made her keep returning to OM. The more you confronted her, the deeper undercover she would go in order to get her "fix" from OM.
As long as she craves that thrill she got from the EA....the harder it will be for her to want to have a M with you. She has to end the A, first. In order for her to do that successfully, it usually means no contact whatsoever. Even if she just sees him and doesn't say anything...it will be like starting all over at square one.
The first step in saving the M has to be her willingness to stop all type of contact with OM. She doesn't have to have any feelings for you right now. Harsh I know, but bear with me. This is extremely hard for your W to do, even more than she expects herself, at this present time. She has to "kick" her addiction. She doesn't even know she's addicted, and would probably get angry if you told her. The best thing would be for her to read about the PEAs.
Loving, romantic feelings for you will come later. Much work and time will pass before she is able to "in love" with you. It's just the hard facts of how it works. The good news is.....she can do it! Your M can be restored!
In reading many stories from the LBH's here on the board, I've learned that men has a furious need for the WAW to fully commit to the M....and then he'll be fin e. But he can't rest until she gives him that commitment. Sadly, however, few WAW's give that commitment up front. Those who do, usually discover that the commitment has been broken b/c of the addition. She backslides and then either she or the H gives up and thinks it's hopeless.
So, you have to have a lot of strength for yourself, your family, and even for her, in order to travel this road. Are you up to the task? Talking to a DB Coach might be just as helpful right now, as flying out to see Michele in person. I do believe that you should only talk to experienced pro-marriage and family counselors/therapists.
She may not desire to see a MC. There again, is the WAW's tendency. It won't help to push her to see one. Here's the thing about the WAW.....You will not be able to fix her. Men are natural fixers and they usually try to fix what's broken in his W. She doesn't want the H to fix her. She may not see herself as needing fixed, but if she did....she would not let "him" do it. The sooner you really get that....the better off you'll be in this process.
Another thing LBH's want to do is discuss the R with the WAW. Can you tell me why this is a big no-no? B/c it's simply another way he's trying to fix the situation. Won't work.
There are many things that do work, and many more that won't, but can't get it all down in one post.
We are here to support and help guide as best we can. We need you to post as often as possible to keep us updated on what's happening. Don't talk to friends or relatives about the stitch. Not healthy to pull them into it, and they can't help being biased.
So, you up for it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My wife has told me that she wants US to work, and is not going anywhere until we get through this. Her largest concern is that she will never get that "in love" feeling back (not the new relationship feeling, but the longer term intimate feeling). She does not know how to. She thinks that she is the type of person that once she has had enough, that's it- no going back. We both feel that she has repressed a large amount of resentments, as she says "it's was lots of little things, nothing big". These repressed resentments cloud her view of me. Even when recalling past times she does not see them as positively as she once did. We both hope that if she can find a way to release these resentments that she will be able to forgive me and move back to a place of love. I'm not a psychiatrist, so I don't know if this will be the case, but I hope it is. She has shared a couple of past resentments with me and I am surprised just how upset she becomes recalling them. She has stored away some REAL anger about stuff I never knew had upset her! Another thing we have both agreed on, and that she is working on, is expressing what she wants, and when she disagrees so that she does not build up additional resentments. This will be difficult for her, but she is really trying.
As far as the OM, she agrees that any contact is inappropriate. They have not spoken for over two weeks. When he does finally call (I asked she not reach out to him) she is going to tell him that she wants to work on her marriage, he should do the same, and they will have no more contact (that's the script my wife came up with). Unfortunately, work contact will continue (very limited though, he's just copied on emails -no direct contact) until the project ends the first week of November. I expressed concern yesterday that the work contact might cause confusion between us. She looked me in the eye and said "honey, don't worry, I'm not confused", then cried and hugged me hard.
W has been listening to relationship CDs on her drive to work (I have not asked her to do this), and comes home to tell me what interesting things she has learned. I think it's giving her understanding as to why I grumble when asked out of the blue to do something (although I ALWAYS do get it done ), and other things I do that she had taken personally before. In addition, I have been reading books too, and yes, I did buy DB !
I guess my biggest fear at this point is that my W is right- there is no way for her to fall back in love at this point- no matter HOW MUCH she wants to. Hard for me to understand since I still feel very much in love with her. Anyone here fallen back in love with a S? Or heard of it happening? Most stories I have read on here do not have a happy ending.
"I guess my biggest fear at this point is that my W is right- there is no way for her to fall back in love at this point- no matter HOW MUCH she wants to."
Self-defeating. Let go of the fear and hold onto what you feel. The two of you need to stop overthinking and just start doing. It's not something that's going to heal overnight.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
At work this morning, trying hard to resist the urge to ask wife questions about R with OM, or ask if she will have time today with her work to go through another relationship exercise. Kills me as I am so all consumed with thinking about R- it's all I can think about. I go from feeling hopeful and happy one minute to sick in the stomach worried two hours later.
Last night when we went to bed she thanked me for giving her the weekend off of talking about the R. Said it meant a lot. Then she apologized for letting things go as long as she did and began sobbing. She said she was so sad. I asked if it was me that made her sad (bad move?), she said she didn't think so, she was just sad about everything.
Hello! Wife and I still communicating. She says she is very happy with how I have been with the kids, and how she feels she can talk openly with me and that I'll listen to her without being defensive. She says a part of her is still waiting for me to go back to my old ways (an inattentive father ). At this point all I can do is continue to be the dad I've always wanted to be until she realizes I woke up and it's not just an act. I hope she notices and warms back up to me.
She's otherwise very thoughtful, wants me to play with her hair and scratch her back at night. She still gets my favorite foods at the grocery store, has a drink waiting for me when I get home and we still laugh together. However, there is no intimacy (no surprise I guess) whatsoever - kissing, touching bikini parts etc. She even tries to get dressed out of my view (never seemed to bother her in the last 20 years, but now it does). When the subject of sex came up the other night she got pissy and didn't want to discuss it. I wasn't asking for sex, just curious if she missed it. She said she doesn't want to do it and that she's angry at me still. It's amazing how she can act so sweet then turn angry on a dime. I suppose it's those resentments.... She says that one of the things she resents is that she had sex with me several times when she didn't want to (before I knew she wasn't "in love" anymore) because she felt guilty. Not sure how she can resent ME for that as I was unaware at the time, but she does.
Last night she gave me another feeling letter - this one was single spaced 3 pages. She expressed a TON of anger at how I've ignored the kids. The letter felt like a shotgun blast to the chest. It's clear she will have a lot to forgive if we are to move on. She said that despite writing the letter, she's still very angry and hurt about those things. I'm not sure she even knows how or wants to forgive and let go of those things to move on. Again, maybe my continued new behavior will help.
I'm frightened that if we go too long without being intimate that we'll "lose it" somehow - and not be able to go back. Anyone on here have any experience with returning to intimacy after a sitch like this? How long did it take? What were the signs that love and intimacy were returning?
Wife and I watched the first two hours of Michele's marriage DVD Sunday night. The first couple that tells their story really hit home for my wife. It gave her real hope for us. Last night the W and I had a nice talk in bed. She's still not feeling intimate and still has a ways to go before she can look at me with romance, but she's not going anywhere.
This Friday we are both taking a half a day off from work to spend just the two of us. Still trying to think of an agenda! We hardly ever get time alone, I'm looking forward to it
Wife and I taking a half a day of from work this afternoon to be with each other. She is leaving for a week on Sunday so I wanted some time with just her- no kids competing for our attention. I was hoping for a happy, sunny day but instead it's cold and raining. Don't know if it's the weather or the fact that my wife is still not feeling close to me that has me down. All I want to do this afternoon is hold her and make love, but that is NOT going to happen. Trying to put a happy face on, but it's hard for me- always been a "heart on my sleeve" type of guy.
W thinks her healing will be a long process, as she has been harboring resentments for years. She says that she has been watching me for months with the changes I have made and has been so happy to see that the changes appear genuine and permanent. Unfortunately, she says she still feels anger inside for past hurts, and can't move past it. As a result, she still does not feel in love with me. She never says she does not feel "in love", I thinks she is afraid to say it out loud, to make it real. She always phrases it another way, but the meaning is clear.
In my simpleton mind I don't really understand why the healing should take so long. Why can't folks just get over it and accept the real changes in front of them? How long does it usually take folks to get through something like this? Some days I feel like I am wasting my time. I told her this and she said back "but our marriage is worth fighting for". So confusing ! Maybe we need to see a pro- marriage counselor sooner rather than later.....
Is anyone actually reading this??? It feels so silent out there.......
), and other things I do that she had taken personally before. In addition, I have been reading books too, and yes, I did buy DB ! 