So nothing much has changed. WAW continues to be for the most part, an ice block. My sitch has affected my life, my mental health, my health, my sleep, my work, my hobbies, my D, my relationships and everything I hold dear. I blamed myself for for getting my M to this point. I too have not been happy in the M for the past couple of years. On the way here I lost my dreams, wants, and my R. Things just got boring, even going to a party was a chore. While W had a new hobby and was loving life. I just watched her go in the opposite direction from how I was feeling and resented it. I have been thinking very hard and looking deep into my soul and ackowledged that I must change. If I don't I'm no good in this R or for that matter any R. I also been thinking that God must have a plan for me or this would not be happening. In a twisted way it needed to happen to me, it woke me up. I need to love life no matter what comes my way. I have so far learned a few things about myself, my responses, my anger, my passivity and how I have communicated with W through out our T together.
My home is very depressing. It feels dark and cold. One thing that I would have done in the past is to have an angry outburst to get through it. But I haven't even felt angry just sad. So last night I came to the conclusion that I must let go of the hope that my W will change her mind. I can not change if my brain is consumed with my sitch. I love my W and must be supportive regardless of what she does <this is a 180 for me). I see that she is hurting but I can't help her change that. She chose this path ( Yes I told her to get a D, I have said lots of stupid stuff when angry )I have apologized for my actions and own up to all my flaws. So now the challenge for me is to detach from my stich, hope for the best and prepare for the worse. My stich is about 3 months, fairly new when compared to others. But I'm tired of feeling weak since that is not who I really am. I can no longer feel like I'm in captivity and refuse to make myself miserable for ever. I have made some changes but they have not been that consistent and they are failry new. So I will keep DBing. My GALing has to improve and been researching what to do. I have a hobby which I love and do it on the weekends, weather permitting. My next step is to set goals that are achievable. I really have not done a good job there. Not even sure what goals to set. Maybe some of you can give me ideas?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Rick....seems our situations are pretty similar. One big question...are you still living together? If so, have you considered seperating?
As I said, my sitch was very similar to yours and my W moved out over two weeks ago. It resulted in a huge amount of anxiety around the house being lifted. It is quiet around here half the time but it sure beats the nonstop tension.
Just a thought.
Stay strong and I am sorry you are having to deal with this. It is not easy.
We are still living in the same house. I have thought about separating but my L has suggested that I stay. We have 5 pets at home so even if W wanted to leave she wouldn't be able to find a place that allows pets. Thanks for the thoughts Really
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I hope fellow DBers don't think I'm too prolific with postings. The things that I write really help me later on when I re-read them. Last night after dinner, W rapped our sick dog in a blanket and walked upstairs. I could swear she looked at me and had a smile. I know I'm not sleeping well and hope it wasn't a hallucination. The night before our dog urinated on the couch she is sleeping on. Last night I asked her if the couch had dried. She said "Is the couch is dry?" and walked away. I have to stop starting convos. This is the hardest part for me.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I did not help her clean the couch. She had done that by the time I got up. And I know you won't like this, but if I did try and go over to help she would have made some nasty remark.She is very cold in the morning. She is being very territorial and secretive also. She also is very paranoid about germs and bacteria, she always has. If I had touched her sleeping area I think it would have caused an argument.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
So nothing much has changed. WAW continues to be for the most part, an ice block. ----I blamed myself for for getting my M to this point. I too have not been happy in the M for the past couple of years. On the way here I lost my dreams, wants, and my R. Things just got boring, even going to a party was a chore. While W had a new hobby and was loving life. I just watched her go in the opposite direction from how I was feeling and resented it. I have been thinking very hard and looking deep into my soul and ackowledged that I must change. The thing that most couples who reconcile have in common is that the LBSer realizes THEY must change. So this is a good start Rick.
What are YOU going to do to stop feeling depressed and sad, and NOT resent her for being happy? You do see that it's unfair for you to hold her back with your unhappiness? [b] If I don't I'm no good in this R or for that matter any R. I also been thinking that God must have a plan for me or this would not be happening. In a twisted way it needed to happen to me, it woke me up. I need to love life no matter what comes my way.[/b] This is true. It's not fun for you and it's NOT attractive either...So, how are you going to manifest this change in you?
I have so far learned a few things about myself, my responses, my anger, my passivity and how I have communicated with W through out our T together. My home is very depressing. It feels dark and cold. One thing that I would have done in the past is to have an angry outburst to get through it. Can you think of a healthier more effective way to fix it instead? How about painting a room or fixing something or sprucing it up? Yes, YOU, why not? Did your wife say "NO"? Did you ask? Why not do one project together? For me, that's a love language, doing things together for the house.
But I haven't even felt angry just sad. So last night I came to the conclusion that I must let go of the hope that my W will change her mind. I can not change if my brain is consumed with my sitch. Your energy has to be spent on YOUR changes...how about that?
I love my W and must be supportive regardless of what she does <this is a 180 for me). I see that she is hurting but I can't help her change that. She chose this path ( Yes I told her to get a D, I have said lots of stupid stuff when angry )I have apologized for my actions and own up to all my flaws. But you sound as if you are stuck in "Sadville" and it's up to YOU to change that. Only YOU can. YOU have to.
So now the challenge for me is to detach from my stich, hope for the best and prepare for the worse. well, ^^^ AND do YOUR WORK too...the changes, you know. What about them? how are YOU going to create a happier life? A happier YOU? The GAL has to be more than model airplanes, though I think that's a cool hobby. FIL and h both do it.
But JOIN something, a class, a seminar, a book club or museum club, a theater and either act in it or do some crew for it, or volunteer somewhere...
Spent 3 winters In Alaska, in the interior. They were long and dark and COLD...Many military wives stayed inside, gained weight and more or less waited til March or April came. Some drank...
I worked out, saw a shrink who told me I had "winter blues" and I went on meds, went into the tanning booths to get some "Sun", volunteered at a womens shelter, auditioned for every show that had a female role in it, even did stand up comedy, joined a writer's group, the "wive's club"-first time in 15 years of military life that I did that...and we had a newborn too.
I GAL like a maniac! had to...YOU have to do what it takes to not surrender to the darkness of depression, it's like your 'winter'....
My stich is about 3 months, fairly new when compared to others. But I'm tired of feeling weak since that is not who I really am. I can no longer feel like I'm in captivity and refuse to make myself miserable for ever.I have made some changes but they have not been that consistent and they are failry new. So I will keep DBing. My GALing has to improve and been researching what to do. No argument with that ^^^....so see above comments.
I have a hobby which I love and do it on the weekends, weather permitting. My next step is to set goals that are achievable. I really have not done a good job there. Not even sure what goals to set. Maybe some of you can give me ideas?
see above^^^....
good luck,
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Rick, Have you seen my postings in the past 24 hrs?? Look man.. people here get it. Some people post alot, some people post very few. Some people are more private, some people are very public.
This forum is to help you, me, anybody through a sh!tty situation. Whatever way that "helps" you is ok.
I'll play devil's advocate to RO (sorry honey)
So you two separate, and yes the tension goes away... so does your w! Yes space can bring two people together, it can also create MORE space.
But "Rick is let stressful, he gains sanity, he doesn't feel w's wrath, etc".
Dude you are fighting for your marriage!!! You made mistakes that have consequences. What did you expect.. puppies and flowers??
Plus - You think your w is mad at you now, how do you think forcing a separation would feel.. ESPECIALLY since you have a proven track record of when times get tough - You threaten D.
You said change is hard for you. I'll let you in on a secret. It doesn't get easier living in your own apartment.
Why not just stay - continue to DB. Show her the best Rick so if you two do separate - you have given her things to miss.
I think you are frustrated and sad.. and that makes sense. But you are only 3 months in honey - I know if feels like forever but it's not. I had to remind myself that this morning and I'm double what you are.
Your w's comments most likely won't end anytime soon. Yes they hurt - but when do we say hurtful things to others..... when we ourselves are hurting!!
Maybe something you can keep in the back of your mind next time your w says something that hurts.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thanks 25 for the support it means alot. Yes I have been sad alot. But I'm working on it. And was planning on working around the house this weekend. W likes that and needs to get done either way. Val I agree I'm torn between leaving and staying. But staying and dealing with it is the one light of hope that I have left.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I feel like a bit of an ass posting here because I had a breakdown in my M last night which was 100% my fault. Despite all the progress we make, we're still human and will suffer lows and setbacks.
When I read your post, the silver lining is that you have come to terms with letting this go. In effect, you have surrendered to the situation -- feeling that God has a plan for you. Believe it or not, that's not giving up, that's actually major progress!
If you can be OK alone, then you can be OK in the M, because you have come to terms with YOU! If you're "ok" if things don't work out, then there is no pressure on your W. She can make her own decisions, and if she really believes you are ok with either outcome, that takes a huge load off.
Now coming to terms with being ok by yourself, and accepting that this may ultimately fail, are different than hurrying things along!
I would suggest potentially treating your W like a friend who's moved in as a roommate for a while. Use the "friend" standard -- be polite and respectful like you would be to a friend. If a friend is a jerk to you, you don't take it that personally because you're not that invested. You're OK with you.
It sounds like you had an epiphany -- those feelings may stick and they may not. After several months there is no rush to make a big move. Put a date on your calendar for the end of next week and see if your feelings have changed, intensified, or abated. If you are more convinced then than you are now, you'll feel better about it. If not, you won't have made a mistake you can't take back. I do feel if you try to go with the "friend" standard as hard as that is, your W will feel some relief and you may see some progress.
Good luck, I feel for you
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
