Finding me again on the yellow brick road

[job]

YBR,
It's always good to have someone who has reconciled return and share w/the posters.

I am still a firm believer in sitting quietly and the answers will fall into your lap. We tend to forget that when new posters arrive here that they have not walked the yellow brick road long enough to understand that nothing you do will change the course of a MLCer. It takes time, patience, understanding, and detachment from the MLCers drama in order to see more clearly. It takes time for the LBS to understand that the focus needs to be turned towards themselves and their families while their MLCers are off playing in OZ. Detachment and no contact are for the LBS. Changes should be made for the LBS and not as an attempt to sway the MLCer to return home. MLCers have a sixth sense about changes and will test the LBS time and time again to see if they can trip them up. Changes have to be permanent and the LBS must be happy w/the changes that they made.

I am very glad to see that things turned around for you and you returned to post.

[yellowbrickroad]

Changes should be made for the LBS and not as an attempt to sway the MLCer to return home.

I couldn't agree more.

Unfortunately, especially in the beginning of the crisis, the LBS thinks that they can make all of these wonderful changes to themselves and that it will "lure" their Spouse home again.

Changes take time, they have to become a new habit.
One has to work on their changes daily, and continue to do the work on themselves every single day regardless of whether or not their WAS knows or not.

The changes have to be internalized, they have to be real.

I have seen too many WAS's return home, only to leave again.

Some left because they returned too soon, which is also part of MLC, and others left because they felt that they had been duped by the LBS.

The changes didn't exist, it was just a temporary thing.

[beatrice]

One thing that may happen when we change is that we no longer need, and may no longer even want the WAS in our lives. This is not the same as stopping loving them, or being angry with them, or not wanting them in our lives because they have hurt us.

And I think that detaching through our changes is frightening for us. If we have had a long and good marriage prior to MLC [and I am talking at least 20years plus] as a fair number of posters here have had, there is a long habit of loving which is part of who we are. Letting go of that is both difficult and frightening.

BTW I am not trivialising MLC which happens in shorter relationships - the pain is just as intense after 3 years as it is after 30. It is just that the habits of our adult life are very very ingrained, and when we change these, we may shift our whole personality, which is deeply disturbing at first. At least I found it to be so.

So I think some resistance to changing ourselves can come from fear of how we will feel after we have changed. I liked loving my xh and my marriage and all that was in it. I didn't want to give up those warm and happy feelings of being connected deeply to him.

Our internalised changes may take us on a very different path, into the unknown. We have to make them, no question about it, if we are to survive and prosper. But it is extremely hard emotionally, to let go.

[grr]

thanks so much for posting that....i really needed it right now

we have been separated for almost a year and in the back of my head is sometimes, "will this make him angry and then proceed with the d?"

so your hindsight is a great tool for me

hope you can write more.....

[yellowbrickroad]

Our internalised changes may take us on a very different path, into the unknown. We have to make them, no question about it, if we are to survive and prosper. But it is extremely hard emotionally, to let go.

I agree with you.

I also think that those who have had a long term marriage and have children have a very hard time moving on.

I married my Husband when I was a teenager. We grew up together, raised our children together, bought a home together, and just figured we would grow old together.

We had plans about how things would be once the children flew the coop, and all of the places that we would travel together. I have photo albums full of happy faces, and home movies of the family.

Nobody believed me when I told them that he was leaving me. I think they thought I was imagining things.

So yes, I get what you are saying.

I also believe that letting go, and moving on knowing that there will never be an "us" again is like dieing a very slow death. There are no words to describe it. But it is a process and even when I reached the point of accepting that my marriage was over, I still had hope that maybe, just maybe he may come to his senses.

I spent so much time learning how to detach, and living life as a single person that when he did finally come home it took a really long time to learn how to reattach again. There was no trust, no in love feelings it was just two people who decided to try and pick up the pieces and make it work.

It was definately a brand new relationship. I was a completely different person. I had grown up and made many changes for the better. I am saddened to say though, as in most MLC stories, he came home as the exact same person that left my house several years previously.

This was the hardest part. I wanted the apologies, and promises for a better future. Chocolates and roses would have been nice too. But I didn't get any of that. If you think you had to be patient during the MLC, then them coming home will truly be a test of endurance.

I have seen several threads on here regarding MLC and having a Spouse return within a year and everything turned out fantastic. Although I am no expert, I am willing to go out on a limb and say that there was no MLC, it just doesn't happen that way. This is a whole other breed of animal.

I hope I am not discouraging anyone by posting these things, but the idea of writing here is to keep things real.

[AJM]

I think that you writing that is very helpful. Please keep doing so.

Reality is one of the hardest things to see. Everything seems so surreal during this process. The death of the relationship, the hopes, the dreams... it's a lot to deal with and without reality it's even harder. For all concernced I'm sure.

The time warp. Did your H say anything about that? Just curious, because it seems that our walk aways/MLC'rs are "stuck" in that time trying to recapture something from a previous time. I'm not one of those that is going to have a returning spouse, but I totally relate to the other comments you made about thoughts and dreams and the kids and how it can be harder to detach, move on, and go away from.

Thanks for posting.

[beatrice]

AJM the time warp thing is weird. My xh is moving slowly through MLC and as he starts to make contact with his children again he speaks about them as they were 6 years ago when he left [and in the light of the stuff on rewriting history posted elsewhere he decided at one point that I left him!!!! Ummm, why would that be?]

Anyway there we are with him acting as if the children, now adult were still growing up. it is so odd. Like childless people giving a child a wholly inappropriate gift aimed for another age group.

The other weird thing is what he does not remember about the past 6 years. whole conversations, and seemingly swathes of time . .. . ] It must be terrifying.

[verycrazy]

Hi, has anyone heard anything of yellowrose, and how she is doing?
thanks, vc

[ddstartingover]

YBR you've hit the nail on the head for me. Your description of what this is like and how people not in this situation just don't get it really hit home. I'm still struggling. Moving forward slowly. I met my H at 13, and we did grow up together. I truly felt he was part of me and his sudden (what seemed sudden to me) decision that he didn't love me anymore has been difficult to comprehend. I am mourning the loss of what was and it's not something I can rush, even as I move forward, accept the loss of my marriage and accept the fact that I will never understand. Thank you for putting it into words.