Trying to make it to the bye week

[MadeToSucceed]

I figured today was an appropriate day to get back to it on the board...I haven't been on in about a week so given the nature of things I thought it was a good time to start a new thread...the previous ones on my journey are below.

Can I save my marriage?
Feels like I'm in Two-a-Days
Preseason has begun...just trying to make the cut
The regular season is underway
Not quite in midseason form...yet

In football, teams use their bye week (off week) to recover from their injuries, regroup and refocus on the journey of the long season that lies ahead. Lord knows I need a bye week in the worst way. I've grown so much. I've challenged myself but for me, most importantly, I've FOUGHT. I've not given in to my fleeting feelings or what would be "easy" to do. I've fought long and hard...and will continue to do so...just maybe in different ways.

Mediation is tomorrow. I'll bring everyone up to speed from last week and then go from there.

[MadeToSucceed]

Last Wednesday I broke the mold. I may get 2x4s for this and some of my other actions in the past 6 days but I don't know...I felt like I had to try one last time.

I called my W last Wednesday morning. I asked her if we could meet and talk. I really didn't know what I wanted to talk about. I haven't seen her in 2 months. We haven't had a real conversation other than our anniversary texts. I just wanted to try to see if this was really "it" for her. I wanted to look her in her eyes and have a real conversation. She agreed to meet with me and asked if we could meet around 8pm that night because she had a meeting she had to attend. I said sure and we agreed we would finalize our plans later in the day.

Admittedly, I was anxious, excited and probably unrealistic in my expectations. I went to Bible Study and prayed on our meeting and it was tough because the topic was Leaving Everything Behind. My pastor posed the rhetorical question: Is there something in your life you haven't left behind or abandoned that God has called you to leave behind or abandon? My mind began racing...was this for me? Is this how my W feels? Too many thoughts and questions for me to burden myself with but I'm human.

Late in the afternoon I called my W to see when and where she wanted to meet. She didn't answer the phone and texted back saying "sorry I'm in a meeting." She then asked if it was ok if we didn't meet right at 8pm. I said sure...just let me know. I'd already cleared my evening schedule...cancelled my massage appointment and decided I wasn't going to go to my evening Bible Study so she and I could meet. Then the uneasy feeling crept in. Something wasn't right.

As I sat in my apt I had to know. I made a call to a friend that knows OM and found out that my W wasn't in a meeting but in fact was with OM in his city and had changed her flight to come back later in the day. In doing so, the flight was delayed and that's essentially why she was asking me if we could meet later in the evening. To make matters worse my W had told someone that she was "in need of a sex break and should be good for about a week now" after her time with OM. I was hurt of course but I didn't dwell on it. I've unfortunately become numb to things about her and OM.

I never mentioned it to my W that evening. She texted me at 9pm to say she just finished her meeting. When I asked if we could meet she'd completely changed and began to say now that she was uncomfortable meeting with me and that she didn't think we had anything to discuss unless I was calling off mediation because "the only reason we're in mediation is because I'm trying to take something from her that I feel entitled to."

I chalked it up for what it was and went to sleep.

[MadeToSucceed]

I woke up last Thursday morning and it was still on my heart heavy to contact her. I called and was very calm and told her I'd like to talk and if she said no, I'd respect her wishes but that I would need to tell her something important before we got off the phone. She indicated it was best we didn't meet. I said ok but then had to proceed and give her some news I found out the night before. I think this is why the knowledge of what I learned she was really doing on Wednesday night didn't phase me. While I was waiting to meet with her I found out that the friends I was staying with for the early part of this ordeal had lost the baby that my friend's W was pregnant with. My W and I spent so much time with them all that they were like family to us and while I've been able to maintain that relationship with them, my W has fractured hers with them with some of her actions towards them. At any rate, I felt it important for my W to know.

I prefaced by saying that what I was about to tell her would be tough to hear but it is the kind of thing that helps me put into perspective what is really important in life. When I told her she completely lost it. There was a time where my friend's W would've called upon my W immediately upon such news. These are the types of life altering events my W is no longer apart of. She sobbed uncontrollably but I could tell it was more than just what I'd told her.

She hung up on me and then 20 minutes later sent me the following text message:

W: My life is over H. Its fallen to pieces and I don't even know where to start to pick them up. I'm sorry for hanging up. I'm a wreck. You are better off. Keep being the God fearing man you are, keep pushing forward and being great. So sorry. Didn't want to just sit and cry on the phone.

I did my best to validate and express my understanding. Even said I'd like to be able to help her through the process but made it clear that ultimately it has to be based on her choices. At this point it was about noon and as I was heading into my counselors office she asked if I could talk. I told her I'd have to call her in a hour and she said that's fine.

I don't know what happened during that hour when I was with my counselor at church but when I called her back the tone had once again changed. It shifted to mediation and her berating me and telling me I'm only after her money. She went on and on about how this is only about me and always has been. She told me "If you truly loved me you would have just kept walking. That's the barrier that is really keeping me from being able to be with you." Another excuse. Had I just walked away she would say I didn't fight for her. I'm fighting for her and our M and now it's I'm all about money and I've drug this thing out to get a bigger pay day. HER L is the one who set the mediation date and it had to be this late to fit her schedule. It was either this or trial and trial is more than a year away on a docket and much more expensive. She said "At some point someone will make it about me. This has always been about you. I will be someone's world because of me and who I am." Proof that this life she is chasing with OM isn't what she expected on some level but she has to make the public believe otherwise. We went back and forth and it got ugly. We both yelled some things and I know I let my anger get the best of me during the conversation.

We texted back and forth that afternoon and I finally asked her what James 1:17 meant when she sent it to me. Her response left me speechless.

W: It means I was a gift for you. You took me for granted...just because you have made changes doesn't mean my heart is there now. I waited so long, for something I wanted that was so simple...all of you, but you couldn't do that. You made me share. So now you expect me to be receptive...I'm not. it hurts. I got tired. I've lost quite a few people I thought were friends and can't ever see myself being around your family again because of everything. I think its best we go our own ways. I won't pretend to have my heart be somewhere it isn't again. I did that already. This isn't healthy for either of us.

[MadeToSucceed]

Thursday night was rough. I found out my grandpa had been admitted to the hospital. I let my W know and finally went to bed.

Fridaymorning the plot thickened. I got an email from my L. It had my W's responses to the questions we'd asked of her. I'd yet to send mine back and I'd yet to even pay the mediator because I was holding out hope that something would change. Well not only did my W flat out deny ever having slept with anyone since we've been married but she also said she hasn't taken any trips and/or spent the night with anyone since we've been married AND...here's the kicker...she accused me of sleeping with not 1, not 2 but 3 women in the summer of 2010. These are the 3 women I detailed previously that she had issues with me texting last summer. She provided no proof, dates, times, places or anything of the sort but it's something she CAN'T provide.

I've never even been anywhere alone with those women. Not to the movies. Not dinner. No where! It was yet again a crushing blow but it just showed me how low my W was willing to stoop. My mother was actually in town for a workshop so she met up with me that afternoon. We just hung out and watched tv all evening but I really just couldn't take my mind off it.

In the process of it all, one of the bridesmaids in our wedding contacted me and told me she and my W had a big falling out and that basically she'd figured out that my W had thrown her under the bus for some things that weren't really her fault. It was just another example of how this crooked path my W is following is going no where fast.

[MadeToSucceed]

Saturday was a good day. I got in some good GAL'ing and forgot about my sitch for most of the day. I went to class that morning. My mom and I went to a new pizza place nearby and sat an ate pizza and watched my college's football game. We went to a men's store and had one of my suits altered. We just spent some good quality time together.

That evening my mother hit the road to head back home. I went to dinner with my best friend and his family for his older sisters birthday so we had a really good time. Afterwards we all went out to see a live band perform and we ended up having a really good night. Apparently one of her friends took interest in me because she ended up telling my friend's sister she wanted to know more about me. I haven't looked at women in any kind way for so long that I didn't notice one bit. I'm not even close to being where I'd need to be for that and I'm still a married man.

Sunday I went to church and had the chance to fellowship some as we had a church tailgate all day. Our services were condensed down to one hour and many church members brought their BBQ pits and grills to just cook out on the church parking lot all day. It was good to fellowship but I felt kind of out of place because it was a lot of families and couples. I don't know a TON of people at my church so I just felt kind of awkward but it was good for me all the same. I finally left and headed to my DivorceCare class. After leaving there I decided to treat myself and go to the mall and buy a few things. I've been saving like crazy so I splurged a bit on some fall clothes. From there I went downtown to meet up with some friends to watch some games at a sports bar.

All in all Sunday was a great day and I GAL'd away. I got in bed early that night and was fully rested for Monday morning.

No contact with my W on Friday, Saturday or Sunday truly brought me back to a "good place."

[MadeToSucceed]

Then Monday came. I still hadn't paid the mediator. Still hadn't sent any of my documentation (bank statements, records of my W's flights to and from seeing OM, etc.) so I knew I had to get that done. My W called me early Monday morning and asked if I was busy. We talked and it was a really good talk. She was talking about the things she wanted out of life and how she is trying to grow but she still just has so much anger and resentment towards me. Then she started talking about God and how she's really been into the Word more lately. That struck a nerve with me.

I finally just had to ask her how could she say she's seeking what she's seeking and trying to live by the Word and she's sleeping with another man. She then began down her age old "no one knows what I'm doing" routine. I then got more specific and it instantly became about how I know what I know. "You listen to other people too much." Blah blah blah. It was apparent she was caught and with our mediation coming she used it as an opportunity to try to blast me again. The new prevailing theory is that I've strung this all out to gather dirt on her so that I could get more money. That's laughable to me. I told her just like I've typed here...up until about 4pm yesterday I hadn't sent my L a thing and hadn't even paid the mediator. My W took to her social media to blast me subliminally. She claims I've been lying to her this entire time and that all I've really been trying to do is get her to incriminate herself so I can get paid. She even went as far to say "money doesn't last...relationships do." Dumb founded. I said to her repeatedly that she just DOESN'T GET IT. Her issue is ALWAYS about how I know what I know and not the fact that I shouldn't have to know to begin with.

She then projected onto me more. She told me how I pushed her to this point and for a bit I began to believe it. I owned my hand in things and told her I'd continue to pray for her but that I accept her desires. It was tough but to have her say she feels like I've lied to her for not telling her where I get information is...insane. It all shows me how lost she is in all of this. How she doesn't understand that despite me knowing intimate details of the worst pain a H can feel at the hands of his W, I'm STILL here. Willing and able to fight for my M.

[MadeToSucceed]

Today has been tough. Mediation is tomorrow. It's weighing on me heavily. Part of me just wants to give up on standing for my M. I know mediation isn't the end all be all and maybe the subsequent D isn't either but I'm just TIRED. She makes it so hard to press on because she can be soooooo evil. She's even grown to now call ME, of all people, "King Manipulator." I just have a tough time knowing that the woman I married is not that same woman right now and may never be. There's a HUGE part of me that wants to just move on.

I've struggle some in my prayers the past few days but I know that's what the enemy wants. I continue to pray for my W but I must also protect myself. I will not allow my name to be slandered nor will I allow her to lie both on me and her actions. She will be upset...extremely upset...tomorrow when she sees proof in black and white in front of her during mediation. Her father will be there so I'm curious as to his reaction as well. At the end of the day her actions are her actions and they do have consequences. I've prepared myself for mediation and for D and the reality of it because nothing else seems even close to possible.

Somewhere in my heart, among all her conflicted words, I still believe she will try to come back at some point and THAT is what I can honestly say I'm not ready for. I don't know if it's "right" or not but I'm getting to the point where I'm just ready for it to be over. I'm ready to no longer feel like I'm shouldering the burden in a relationship that is completely one sided where the other party has completely checked out. Not only checked out but moved on...to multiple people.

Tonight I have class and I'm probably going to go see the late showing of Courageous right afterwards. I feel like I need some inspiration heading into tomorrow. It's a great opportunity for me to grow and show the growth I've already experienced but I know it will be tough.

Calling all DBers. I need your thoughts, words, prayers, 2x4s...whatever you've got for me. 25, jb, west, CS, Telemark...nobody ever found Starsky for me either...lol.

Seriously, I value you all so much and the past 6 days have probably been more emotionally taxing for me than the past 2 months. Just looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not concerned about getting to it. I just want to see it because I feel like all hope is lost for my M and that is a TOUGH pill to swallow if it is in fact true.

[realormakebeliev]

MTS, I don't think I've posted on your thread before, but I wanted you to know I'm praying for you and sending PMA your way...

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, take care.

(((())))

[jbnati]

MTS, wow! Your W is all over the map! There is obviously a lot of projecting going on, a lot justifying, a lot of villifying of you. Then she'll try to pull you back in. Then she'll push back. I'd hate to ride her roller coaster right now.

I suspect she is also getting some fuel from her L. At the very least, I'm sure there are some seeds planted by her L. These may be generating the comments of suspicion surrounding what you're doing.

I doubt tomorrow will be it. There will be more to come.

I do know the enemy knows the Word, too, and will twist it any way needed. Unfortunately, I think your W is drinking the Kool-Aid right now. Keep YOUR focus on the truth.

Sounds like your attempt at a convo was a cheeseless tunnel. Sounds like it's best to keep relatively quiet right now.

I'll share one metaphor from our message at church on Sunday. It loosely applies here. When you're driving on the road, you look ahead at the road. When you take your eyes off the road and look at something on the side of the road, what happens? You start drifting toward what you're looking at. You can end up running off the side of the road into the weeds, and possibly crashing. The same applies when you take your eyes off of God - you will drift and possibly end up in the weeds and possibly crashing.

Keep the football themed titles to your threads. At least they're entertaining. I'm ready to throw some penalty flags at your W for a personal foul for unsportsmanlike contact or unnecessary roughness or something.

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow and I'll be praying for you today and tomorrow.

[realormakebeliev]

Personal Foul! 15 yard penalty!!!