Trying to make it to the bye week

[westcoastfella]

I'm on the same page as the rest of these guys, Made. I'm so sorry to hear that it's gotten to this point for you. I'm also sorry that your messed-up W has created this huge tornado of destruction.

I have a very strong feeling that she knows exactly what she's doing to you, both of your families, her friends, and herself. She probably really hates herself and wishes that she hadn't done what she did, but she still clutches onto this path because it's far easier for her than cleaning up the mess she made.

My advice? Step far away and let her roll and bounce like the human pinball that she is. Maybe she'll come to a stop eventually, but you have no reason to put yourself in her path anymore. Like so many others have said, only she can solve her problems now.

Made, I also have to say that you're a total inspiration at how to handle life in the wake of being ditched like this. It sounds like the academic, professional, social, athletic, and religious spheres of your life have really begun to explode with life. Even if your W seemingly doesn't want to have anything to do with you, I can guarantee that there will be other women out there who will want to marry you in a heartbeat.

The song that you heard at church seems to be the Big Guy trying to tell you how to move on from this. Rather than bemoan the "loss" of your W and M or make immediate plans to find someone else, just let God take your life into his hands. Keep walking down your path and be open to whatever He has planned for you. Chances are, you will eventually find yourself in a much sunnier, greener place that where you are now. And you will undoubtedly be a much stronger and wiser MTS as a result of your struggles.

[Finah]

MTS

 

I feel for you.

 

Flat out though.  There is no reason to be talking with your WW.  I know you want to sometimes, but as you can see it leads nowhere.  Doesn’t matter if you reconcile down the road or never, talking with her now is absolutely pointless.

She knows where you stand.

Right now you are only fueling her demonization of you.

Her asking to talk with you during mediation……you should have declined.  This is her problem, not yours, you’re not the one who wants a D, and you’re not the one who filed.

Moot point though…….

 

 

If you want the best shot at reconciling down the road, remove yourself from your WW reach for some time, she is grasping at this image of you that doesn't exist so don't fall prey to this.

 

Honor her request to go thru her assistant? 

 

You mean kind of like how she honored you by committing adultery. 

 

Use your attorney.  You are not your WW puppet.

 

If she doesn’t like it……so what……she doesn’t like half her assets being up for grabs…..then don’t get married, have an affair and then file for divorce.

Seems pretty simple to me……

 



Let all these flings with the other men die out…….and they will.

 

And you will have a chance if you so choose to be let back in.

 

If they contact you, her assistant or your WW……..plain and simple……..you talk marriage…..not divorce……..your L talks divorce……they can be reached at blah blah blah.

 

Listen, the money, the divorce…….none of that is going to matter a year from now…….it’s not going to lessen your shot at reconciling.  Her anger, her resentment will pass as long as you quit fueling it.

 

The whole reason she wanted to meet with you……is b/c she was cracking…….she came in there with guns drawn……her target……you……to make herself feel better about what she was doing.

 

If you feel the need to write a LRT letter post D or even now if you haven’t, showing her the door will be open later down the road…..then do it, but keep it very short.

 

Stay strong okay.

I don’t want to give you false hope……..but your WW……… she is all ready showing signs of cracking…her telling you over and over that she is okay and going to be okay and be successful at her sport……tells me the exact opposite….….but you have to buckle down and let this play out for her……and that might mean she has to hit rock bottom……to bounce her back into the right direction.

 

Don’t’ save her from falling…you allowing her to demonize you is preventing this……..…let her fall………you can be there later when she needs help being picked back up….

[cjackson968]

I wish you the best... You have to go on with your life, God doesn't hold your accountable for the actions of your W. I've been in similar situations but never have gotten to the point of a D. I believe the combination of moving out of the house and losing contact for months or weeks at a time was destructive. Just my opinion... As the male you have to lead your W and pull her through these situations, it takes a man that is willing to go the extra mile not for your well-being but for the well being of the person you love. Losing contact you lose the opportunity to help. Try to stay in contact with her... Also the changes that you made have to be sincere. Don't revert back to the person that helped destroy your life but instead become that better man and your life will get better with time. Just trust and obey!!!

[MadeToSucceed]

You will be able to move on (although it may still not be over entirely). Work on getting yourself back on track. You are doing a lot of good things. You are turning to the right places. I can almost guarantee other women are noticing how you are handling you situation.

Keeping you in my prayers, my friend.

Thank jb. I'm trying to process it all the best way I know how. Luckily work is extremely busy as is school so I'm pretty much going nonstop but I still have my moments. I appreciate all your support.

[MadeToSucceed]

Right now it is painful and hard to believe it is happening. But it is not the way it will be forever...a trite cliche, perhaps, but it is the truth. Allow yourself to grieve, then start to GANL - Get A New Life.

Thanks Telemark. That's really what I'm working on the most. The "where do I go from here stage."

[MadeToSucceed]

My advice? Step far away and let her roll and bounce like the human pinball that she is. Maybe she'll come to a stop eventually, but you have no reason to put yourself in her path anymore. Like so many others have said, only she can solve her problems now.

Thanks for all your thoughts west. That's pretty much what I've figured from everything. She's on her own and as bad as it hurts I really have no options but to take care of me. It really makes you wonder sometimes if it will stop but I just don't see any signs of it just yet.

[MadeToSucceed]

Flat out though.  There is no reason to be talking with your WW.  I know you want to sometimes, but as you can see it leads nowhere.  Doesn’t matter if you reconcile down the road or never, talking with her now is absolutely pointless.

If you want the best shot at reconciling down the road, remove yourself from your WW reach for some time, she is grasping at this image of you that doesn't exist so don't fall prey to this.

I really appreciate this insight Finah. You're right and I probably should've taken this route sooner. I did contact my L to inform her of what needs to take place. I do struggle to see it from your viewpoint, though, about her cracking and what not. Even the stuff with OM...it seems like she's perfectly ok with living her life this way but you are right in that I really can't consume myself with these things anymore. These are her choices. I've had multiple people say to me she'll bottom out at some point and it'll be up to me whether or not I'll want to try again but I guess I just can't see it through my current pain. For now, I'll just work on me.

[MadeToSucceed]

I believe the combination of moving out of the house and losing contact for months or weeks at a time was destructive. Just my opinion... As the male you have to lead your W and pull her through these situations, it takes a man that is willing to go the extra mile not for your well-being but for the well being of the person you love. Losing contact you lose the opportunity to help. Try to stay in contact with her... Also the changes that you made have to be sincere. Don't revert back to the person that helped destroy your life but instead become that better man and your life will get better with time. Just trust and obey!!!

I appreciate the comments cjackson. I'm not sure how closely you followed my sitch but I was forced to move out of the house, I didn't really have an option. Similarly she didn't want to maintain contact with me...in fact the more I tried to contact her the worse it got. I'm trying not to take offense to the "it takes a man that is willing to go the extra mile" comment because I KNOW I definitely went the extra mile and then about 5,000 more miles during this ordeal. In fact, the vast majority of my actions have been for her well being and not my own as this has taken place.

I am curious though...how do you propose I "stay in contact with her" and if I were to do so, exactly how would that go? "W, I know you're fully engaged with OM but I'd love for us to be able to talk once a week about life." At some point, I'd like to think she and I will be able to have regular interactions but I know we aren't anywhere near there right now.

I'm doing everything I can each day to become a better servant of His kingdom and in turn a better man. That's all I can be. I won't say I helped to destroy my marriage though because a marriage can only be destroyed by one who is willing to let it. I definitely did not and have fought, kicked and screamed every way possible along the way. Ultimately, she chose to check out. I wasn't perfect but I was definitely always will to change and always willing to try. I signed up for "for better or worse." It seems like she just signed up for "for better." That's her choice. Not mine.

I'd love to have an opportunity one day for us to talk and see where we were but there's a lot of things she has to get straightened out on her own first and things that I'll now have to get straightened out on my end because of her actions before that can happen.

[cjackson968]

Don't take offense to my comments I"m just trying to give you another perspective from a guy that's been there... I did follow your sitch and was pulling for you along the way. I know she made you move out and forced the lawyer on you. Understand she is only listening to the enemy, not the OM but the evil spirit that is leading this EA and in control of your W.

No matter what, be ready because she will come running back, something will happen that will put her in a low place. That's when you need to be there but until then don't let her control your thoughts... (Easier said than done...) Get in a closet pray, fast... Devote your life to God.
Also if possible I recommend, A Weekend To Remember conference. Just try it as a final resort before the divorce is final. Let her know that you know she's moved on but as her husband you are standing firm and fighting for her because you want to live a life together not as you were before but as part of a relationship built on faith and dedication to God and to eachother.
You do have alot to straighten out, as does she, but by working on these things together it is better because your influence is built on something more solid than the other influences she has in her life right now.
I'm praying for you guy, I really am... I'm sorry for everything you are going through and pray for your healing and for the restoration of your marriage.

[25yearsmlc]

mts

I'm in a reflective mood which I hope is going to be helpful...

Sorry for being out of touch, but along some travels, I also went back east to my high school reunion & while there, a close friend DIED the day of it.

Oddly this was right after he called to tell me (literally hours before) that he did not want to go b/c he "felt so bad about his life."

ANYHOW I have done a lot of thinking and processing the past week about what I saw about marriages and life at my reunion.

I'm older than you but I am in touch with most of my HS friends and followed their stories. There are a few who seem "lost" right now and don't know why their lives are not better. They are searching for "the secret"...

Several are flat out miserable. Of those, there are 3 groups. First there are the unlucky ones who got sick for no apparent reason and are dealing w/terrible conditions. God bless them.

The two other groups of miserable or dissatisfied people seem to fall into either

the drug addicts/drunks (a LOT of the big problem people are simply addicts, no question)

OR
they make chronically poor choices. Seeing someone marry a badly matched person is such a drag and you wince b/c you KNOW they'll regret it...OR

seeing a spouse leave a well matched person is also HIGH on the list of big fat mistakes. I think your w will fall into that category.

The saddest part perhaps is when they DO admit their mistake but it's too late to do anything about it.

How do they live with that regret?

But you'll have to get out of her way for her to see any of that.

It will take a long time MTS, longer than you fear. Yes, yearS...at least one.

I'd work on your stuff and try to get through those 90 day increments of going dark and detaching as best I could if I were you.

so when the day comes that she looks your way, your changes will be complete and you'll be the man you wanted to become.

In time, as she earns more money the money she pays you now will lessen in importance.

So will OMs...(who?) They are so NOT the cause...they are symptoms.

Be the man you want to become. Leave the rest up to God.

I do NOT advise any contact with your w. She's made it clear she does not want that and it has not helped you to attend to her.

Besides, she needs to be left alone now to her task. Let her go discover what she must.

You're divorced so pursuing her now cannot yield you good results. She could get a restraining order.

although I can see her calling you in some months, I think it'll be a good year before it really happens.

Be different in her eyes, be better, whatever that looks like.

And avoid the huge mistakes your friends warn you about.

((( )))