Wife and I have been going to a marriage counselor for a few weeks. What we have discovered is what we have known all along. W has zero interest, need or desire for sex. Married for nearly 30 years. This has always been a problem. She has always been uncomfortable about sex ever since we were first married. Thought she would become less inhibited as the years went on, but that was not the case. Has anyone tried the sex coaching/counseling through DB? Results? Any advice?
There is hope, but the part about being over 55 is less important than the part about a pattern of LD/ND going back 30 years. The force of habit alone is deeply ingrained after that long. But yes, people can change these things. There's a guy named Young at Heart around here somewhere who's in his 60s and making great strides with his wife.
My wife was similar and she still have self image or body issues. However, I am no longer in an SSM, we have sex pretty much twice a week and she seems to enjoy it much more. I am sure much happier.
We nearly got divorced, although I worked hard to save our marriage.
There is a sticky on this forum about the 4 phases of SSM recovery. I think it is great advice. Read it and learn it.
You first need to heal yourself, then you need to make her feel loved. Then your wife needs to get on board. That by the way means that she needs to start healing herself and she needs to start meeting your needs. Ultimately, there will come a point where you will both start wanting to reach out toward each other and work together in the fourth phase, where you really work on your relationship.
It will take time, if she ever decides it is worth it. She may not decide it is worth the effort to save the marriage.
From my perspective, I healed myself (although I still have deep emotional scars from how my wife treated me). This was mostly throught reading all kinds of relationship books and figuring out what I had been doing wrong. I also worked hard on improving myself through an active Get a Life (GAL) program. The changes were things that my wife could not ignore.
Then I worked very hard at providng my wife with "unconditional love." That is love given without any expecations of getting something in return. If you are fan of Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, it means no covert contracts. That is you do something to make her feel loved, because that is what you want to do and not because you hope she will have sex with you later.
And yes, my W and I were about 60 when we started to rebuild our marriage. There are two outside things that really helped my wife, one was a board certified sex therapist that we saw as a couple and the other was a really good naturpathic doctor who specialized in women's health, including libido.
I suggest that if you can have your wife checked out medically to make sure she has no medical reasons that would interfer with her enjoyment of sex.
Then work hard at making her feel loved and not like damaged goods. She is probably as much or more upset about your lack of sex than you are (she may feel like a sexual failure and your yelling, begging, or pushing her will not make anything better.)
Good luck to you and your wife. Again, the first step is for you to make changes in your life to GAL and improve and heal yourself. Even if your marraige ends, this will improve your chances of finding happiness.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Wife and I have been going to a marriage counselor for a few weeks. What we have discovered is what we have known all along. W has zero interest, need or desire for sex. ..... Any advice?
Yes, ask your marriage counselor for a reference to two or three board certified sex therapists.
Sex therapists are trained marriage counselors who have extra training in sexual problems. If sex is the elephant in the room, deal with it, or get someone who can.
My preference is either Sue Johnson trained emotionally focused or John Gottman trained marriage conselors, but you really need a sex therapist who is also a marriage conselor and I would recommend that you get a really good one. The price of a really good sex therapist is a lot less than the hourly rate of a divorce attorney.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
