Not to be a downer, but I have to agree with Snodderly and Punkin...
I am a member of the interrupted MLC club too. Interrupted by the realization that I was seriously ready for him to go...that was in 1999. Bomb two came in 2007. Nothing has stopped it this time...
They have to go all the way through this process if they are able, or their entire lives are spent running from one thing or another.
And the second time around, was much worse than the first.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
What kinds of thing are people doing to help with this? I spend time at the forums and web site reading and re-reading, taking notes, reading DB, talking to friends. It all helps, but sometimes not for long. Even when trying so hard to focus on kids, job and other activities there is a constant battle going on; from anxiety and shaking to doing well and happy with myself, and back again all in an hours time.
The very best thing is to get busy and keep busy with things for you. This is time to GAL. Do all you can to keep focus off of what your W is doing or thinking or thinking about doing. It is NOT easy. It is said that what you've described as your current state of coping is what is going on inside your MLC'er times 100. It's far from easy for them too---no matter how things appear.
Take time for YOU. Think about what YOU want and focus on that. This is THE only thing you can control and influence.
This is the worst best place to find yourself. Worst because you are HERE! Best because the people here will help you through.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
In my welcome post I told you that you have been given a gift.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Most people do not want it, they want to return it, trade it in or get their money back.
None of those things will happen, that is why everyone here will tell you to start to work on your self. GAL, focus on your children.
Their is only one person that you can control right now and that is YOU. The past is OVER and all you can worry about is right now and the future. So use your GIFT wisely you are not able to give it back.
My biggest pain, the thing that still brings me to tears in this journey so far is thinking about the effect on my kids. I have three beautiful children: s10, s7, d5.
Maybe I haven't looked hard enough but it seems that dealing with them isn't really addressed to much around the forums. I see a lot of "make sure you focus on yourself and your kids", but I haven't caught any advice on how best to treat them.
It has been a primary focus of mine for their whole lives so far to be a good father and spend time with them daily, so knowing how to focus on them isn't a problem. However, it has been a mantra since the bomb that I have no intention right now of telling them what's going on. My W has this idea that we're going to have some kind of "happy divorce" and that the kids will be fine. She's said that she knows that I'll do the right thing when we tell them and when she leaves them after the school year. I told her when she dropped the bomb that I wouldn't accept her taking them and I would fight to keep them. She's brought it up one time since then; asking me if my plan is to let the lawyers get all our money trying to fight her over them. Lots of sirens going off in my head when that conversation happened and I successfully avoid any serious discussion (and fighting) by essentially avoiding a direct answer and shiftung the topic. I basically said I didn't know. I did tell her that since we have two different goals right now and that it wasn't fair for her to ask me to participate in her achieving hers. I fully believe they will be hurt and confused if they are told. It make me angry and very sad to think they are going to get hurt because of her actions. It's come up one other time and her idea is that telling them sooner than later is going to be better for them. But as we discuss it, it seems to me that she is more worried about herself than she is them (though any reference remotely close to this makes her very angry). She really seems to downplay what she thinks their reaction will be.
We both have been very attentive parents and that hasn't changed. I cannot tell if they suspect anything. The only thing they might notice is my sleeping on the couch or the lack of any open affection between her and me. Other than that I think we've been pretty normal in dealing with them and our normal actions/discussions with each other around them.
I don't know if I'm doing this right but I really am not ready to tell them. I am afraid that the moment I see the pain in their eyes I will immediately hate her. And I've told her that I'm not going to lie to them about my feelings about our situation just for her. I think she's ok with that for now, but thinks we should tell them right after the holidays. I hate the thought of it and wonder when she says this if it isn't just an attempt to further harden her decision.
