Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[jbnati]

WHG - I think if she would truly "find herself" and fix those issues, I believe there's a possibility she would want to go back to being M'd again. I can only hope that she gets enough taste of D and reality that she realizes it isn't all it's she thought it would be and it's not going to fix anything. Hopefully she'll see how much it sux. I hope she'll get just enough exposure to take it out of her playbook forever. I've had several observations that the stress and problems she complained about have just followed her.

Would I want to go back? To what we had before? Absolutely not! There are some good parts, of course, that I'd like to retain. However, I've made a lot of changes in my own life. I would want her to make positive, believable changes of her own. I would want her to be on board with the positive changes I've made in my own life. My desire is to rebuild from the ground up.

[Telemark]

WHG - I think if she would truly "find herself" and fix those issues, I believe there's a possibility she would want to go back to being M'd again. I can only hope that she gets enough taste of D and reality that she realizes it isn't all it's she thought it would be and it's not going to fix anything. Hopefully she'll see how much it sux. I hope she'll get just enough exposure to take it out of her playbook forever. I've had several observations that the stress and problems she complained about have just followed her.

Would I want to go back? To what we had before? Absolutely not! There are some good parts, of course, that I'd like to retain. However, I've made a lot of changes in my own life. I would want her to make positive, believable changes of her own. I would want her to be on board with the positive changes I've made in my own life. My desire is to rebuild from the ground up.

Ditto.

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... very mixed day... actually, guess not that mixed as I can't thing of a high point to offset the low, but maybe it's just that I'm dealing with the low better, or better for now anyway.

W was off and I was at work today. These are the days that are hard for me. We used to text and talk a dozen times a day on these kinds of days... maybe meet for lunch or breakfast. So I find myself obsessing about her on these kinds of days. But I pushed through it. Maybe my most productive day at work in a while.

Realized today that at my last IC appt I was in a hurry so I didn't make another appt. Feeling it now and called to make one... first appt is Dec 7. Well that suxx.

W texted me at work to ask me to get meds for S. He's got a bronchial thing and croup, poor kid. Then she called me to see when I was coming home. Got home and W and I had chinese while watching Sons of Anarchy together. S passed out on the couch. I went to bed early b/c I have to get up extra early tomorrow. I volunteered to roast a turkey for my S's school's community dinner tomorrow night.

Before going to bed had some time and I was looking at old photos of W and I on my Facebook account. Don't ask me why... just was. There was one I was looking for and then realized it was in my W's account. So I went over to her profile... lo and behold she has deleted every photo that had me in it. Granted that's not that many photos (I'm usually behind the camera). But the two that hurt the most was that she deleted the family photo we took of her, me, SS, SD, and S all standing as a family outside her nursing school graduation. And she deleted the photo of her nursing school pinning ceremony. That's the one that hurts the most frankly. At the pinning ceremony you ask the person who has meant the most to you and been the most supportive of you during nursing school to pin your nurse's pin on you. She asked me to pin her. I've always been so proud of that moment.

I know they're just digital bits... and they're FB photos, the actuals still exist, but it hurts pretty bad. Just a few clicks and you can be deleted from someone's life.

I don't know why she needed to do that today (and I know it happened today). Wish I did. Maybe a reaction to our R talk the other day. Maybe steeling herself for her first C appointment on Friday. Who the hell knows, but it hurts.

And then that frustrates me... it shouldn't really matter. She already sees me as her XH, I know this. It's simply a reflection of where she is at. I don't believe she did it to hurt me... just wish I could understand her thinking. I think what bothers me is that they are just photos... she had to go actively hunt them out to remove them. Whatever.

So I started this out with a "mixed day". I guess the mix part is that I didn't storm up to her and ask why she deleted the photos. I cried a little, yes, but I'm not devastated. It is what it is. It's a symptom of her thinking. I'm growing accustomed to her not wanting me. I still want her, but if she doesn't want me, then it's not going to be. I'll survive.

Ah... sounds like S's croup attack just waned and the meds put him back to sleep. Time to carry him up to bed for the second time tonight.

[workinghardguy]

Well back up this morning due to S's croup... poor kid W has to work today and I don't so I'm the one up with him.

I know we can't mind read our WAS. But when they do stuff like the deleting of photos your brain wants a reason. So I've settled on seeing them hurts her. Two days ago during our R talk she told me that it wasn't until some time last week that she looked our M photos that line our stairwell. Before that the photos just fell into the background of life. But for whatever reason she looked at them last week. She sat down and cried. They make her feel like a failure and a bad person. She would take them down except we're keeping this from the kids, and they would sort of notice.

I'm a little better after some more sleep. It's part of the progression I think. Part of the road down. I don't know if we'll ever take the road up. I'll take the road up, but I really don't know if my W will join me or ever come up that road on her own.

[Autumn Leaves]

Thanks TM...

One thing that is odd for my sitch is that my W isn't all about how terrible our M has been. Yes, she will tell me that she has been unhappy for a very long time. Yes, she says the standard lines of:

• We should never have gotten married.
• I don't know if I've ever loved you
• I made a mistake getting married.
• We're too different to make this work

and so on... but she will readily admit that we've had good times. That we've had fun, we're good parents, and we work well together.

So it's never been entirely that she's fleeing ME to go to someone else per se. It's that she's fleeing marriage and commitment for... this is where I stumble. I've never really figured out what she's fleeing to. Freedom maybe... the ability to date other men perhaps... finding herself, whatever that means...

I just don't really know which is what has perplexed me. And I don't think she knows entirely either. She has told me that she feels fundamentally flawed inside of herself and doesn't feel she can be anyone's spouse or mate until she resolves that.

Ironically you just described my H here as well, the trying to find herself hit home for me. I find myself shaking my head a lot over that one.

Hang in there WHG!!

[Telemark]

Sorry to read about the FB photos, whg, but I suppose it's her way of dealing with the mess that is living inside her. When my W told me she was moving out I took down every picture that had her in it and put them away. I also de-friended her on FB. Was that petty and immature? Maybe, but I knew I could not deal with the emotional turmoil that looking at those pictures or at her FB page would cause.

I don't think she did it as much to hurt you as she did it to not hurt herself.

Just my $.02...

[realormakebeliev]

Sorry WHG, I know how painful it is to see signs of your marriage disappear. For me it felt like he was trying to erase me from his life, like it didn't happen. I wish there was something I could say that would magically make you feel better.

You still seem to have a good handle on your DB skills and detaching. I still think there are lots of positives, and I sort of read the picture deleting as self-convincing on her part. Just like what she said, i.e. 'I don't know if I ever loved you, we should never have gotten married', deleting the pics is just part of the WAS script.

((()))

[jbnati]

Ironically you just described my H here as well, the trying to find herself hit home for me. I find myself shaking my head a lot over that one.

I this is all taken from the table on page 37 of the WAS Field Guide I swear, they all say eerily similar things.

Sorry about the FB thing, WHG. I think Telemark may be right. She may be doing this not to hurt herself every time she goes on her own FB page. Part of it, too, is probably that she feels she has to do this. After all, in her mind you're D'ing, right? I'll have to say when my W de-friended me on FB, it cut both ways. On one hand it really hurt. On the other, I knew I didn't have to try to avoid looking at her FB page anymore - it gave me a little more freedom.

[workinghardguy]

Thanks ROMB... I have to be honest with everyone here that I had a big backslide this morning. I didn't mean to, but it just happened. I tried to recover as best I could, but it is what it is. I just keep reminding myself that a backslide here and there will not sink the ship (it's doing that just fine all on its own I think!).

In my defense I am pretty damn tired this morning... four hours of sleep two nights in a row is getting to me. I thought I'd processed the photos thing, but as soon as I saw her the emotions flooded back. I fought the urge to ask all morning. We talked about taking S to the clinic so I started getting him ready. In the mean time SS and SD were being pills this morning, especially SS. So that irritated me, the photo thing angered me... finally in the kitchen my W asked me what was wrong. And I told her to forget it, I'll deal with it, I'm fine.

She pushed again on what was wrong. So I told her. Her response was, "Well, you know how I feel". As soon as I said it I knew I shouldn't have gone there so I tried to recover. I told her my feelings didn't mean I don't know what she feels. Simply that there is something that is part of my life that is going away and that I feel grief for it. That I'm human, I'm tired, and it's natural so if she could please just let me have my grief. I'll get through it and by later today I'll be fine. Just leave me alone.

She then tells me, in a softer more caring voice, "Don't worry T... you'll find someone else. Trust me, another woman will be very lucky." I looked at her... I then said that my feelings this morning are not about being alone, or finding or not finding someone else. That I'll be fine, she'll be fine, our kids will be fine. I said, "I'm a big boy B, I don't need you in my life for me to be ok, so this isn't about that. It's just about grieving for something that is lost." She made a joke then about her appearance this morning and how could anyone grieve for losing that. I laughed a little and collected S up and headed to the clinic.

Just got home... S is ok but just miserable with a nasty, croupy cough. But now he has some codeine-laced cough syrup in him so he should be out soon And then I came on here and my W's browser was up. I couldn't resist... I wanted to see what she did after I left. She spent 20 minutes looking at "quotes when you're sorry". So there's that... sorry for creating pain I think.

So if anything here is my lesson for today... DBing is hard... it's harder when I don't exercise... and damn hard when I don't exercise AND don't sleep. Bad combos.

[workinghardguy]

I completely agree with you guys... I do think she did it because it hurts her. She told me a few days back that she lost it the other day when she stopped and looked at our wedding photos. That she would take those down too if it wouldn't tip the kids off that something's wrong.

And in her mind we're already D'd quite frankly. Or at least separated... roommates as it were. That's why my pain this morning really wasn't about the future. I'm getting towards peace with my future, whatever it is.

It's just grieving for the death of something that means something to me. My R with my wife is an old friend who has been a part of my life for eight years. My friend is sick now and may be dying. And like any friend who is dying, you feel sad for what will be lost. It's natural and healthy quite frankly... it just doesn't make it any easier to deal with.