My wife and I got a divorce 14 months ago. It was the ILBNILWY thing. There was no infidelity, abuse, substance problems, etc. Truly the biggest issue was that I took for granted that she would always be there (I know this now, but didn't realize it then). We were friends for many years before dating and married for nearly ten years when divorced. We have two seven year old twins.
She asked me to move back in around March of this year. I moved back out in August (at her request). Tonight, I found out that she is dating another man. It was like a shotgun blast to the chest. I still love my exwife and would do anything to get her back. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I really have no idea what to do.
Though I understand that it is none of my business if/when/who she starts dating, it's tearing me apart inside. If anyone could offer me any advice or encouragement, I would appreciate it. I'm really at a total loss right now.
Maybe try listing what options you have. From what I can tell, you can: - ignore it, focus on you - ignore it, focus on you, change friendship with her to "coworkers" to parent - tell her that you aren't telling her not to, and you understand her choice, but that it hurts to see her with others, then focus on yourself ... maybe a virtual note to her that you don't send, might help instead - etc...
Once you see what options you have, choose one and move on.
Well, I found out today that she has been seeing him since September. It hurts a lot, but this is what I have decided to do.
While I cannot go "dark" entirely because of the kids, I am limiting my conversations with her to texting work schedules, etc. and basic pleasantries when I have to see her in person (dropping the kids off, etc.). I am going to force myself to do this for at least a one month period of time. During that month I plan to work entirely on myself. I am going to get a new look, work out, get my stuff together, etc. When that month is up, I will call her and ask her to meet for coffee or something light. Probably talk about how we'll handle Christmas with the kids. I'll feel things out a bit and take it from there.
trust me - when they are done they are done. the name of this forum is in lots of ways a misnomer - i tried the divorce busting route without success - i think it might work pre-divorce, but afterwards - nope. take it from a man who literally gave everything - seven figure everything - and gives 80 percent of his paycheck to ex because i was stupid enought to sign something i would to get her back. ignore her - do kid stuff through something called family wizard - and move on - i wished i would have listened. why would you want to be with someone who caused you so much hurt and put herself before her kids....
I value your input and I am in no way implying that you wont turn out to be right in the end, but I think I would never forgive myself if I did not try. I had success with DBing in the past, the problem was that as soon as we decided to reconcile, I stopped. I slipped back into my old habits. I realize now that divorce or not, these are habits that I need to change anyway. Even if efforts are not successful in getting back my ex-wife, they will make me a better person for me and my children.
I am hurt by the situation but I do not harbor bitterness or anger towards her on my part. I am past that stage. I have forgiven her and can let go of the pain she has caused me, but that does not remove the pain I am feeling. This is why I need to remove myself from her for awhile.
Yep, and I can relate to everything you said in your post. It was like I was dealing with another person other than the one I had known for nearly 2 decades. That said, I still had to do everything that I did. I still had to give it my maximum effort to salvage whatever I could.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
