Hi everyone. Sorry so slow to start a new thread. I am so busy GAL! Hard to make time to be here! I guess that is good. An update: H is home. Suggested M counseling for us and willing to go to addiction group with me. I just cannot get over the changes in this man! Every day I keep thinking baby steps and that is just what it is. I have tried to be as patient as possible. I have done quite well considering how I know I was pre-dbing!! It is amazing how almost all of the advice and information on the board and books on mlc/was are so accurate. I do not have time to go into detail but it just continues to amaze me. You have walked this road on right on with your knowledge and advice! It is good to have H home. Everyday I make a decision to forgive and see him as human. Sounds so simple but makes a huge difference. We have had many good discussion usually in his time. Like I said before I feel I have no energy for C right now but maybe soon. I am sooo tired of talking about my feelings!! I am looking for advice on how to act. I am continuing my GAL. I also know my ego gets in the way a lot! How do I overcome that? I feel like asking him details of A will help but am I really getting the truth? OR, only what I want to hear? I will write more later. Thanks!
Life, I would go on w/my life just as you always have. Just because your h is now home doesn't mean you have to flip yourself inside out to please him. Just be yourself. Piecing is very difficult and takes a lot of strength and patience. There is a thread that I created many years ago on reconnection, etc. You may want to try to locate it and read it.
As for asking him about the affair...please do not do that right now. Allow him to come talk to you about it when he is ready. I know you want answers and have a discussion about it, but he's not ready and you have to give him time to do so. DebM use to post on the board...please try to locate her thread in the archives...she discusses her h's return home and we walked her through her journey of reconnection.
You are going to have to dig deep, deep, deep for patience right now. Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi everyone. Sorry so slow to start a new thread. I am so busy GAL! Hard to make time to be here! I guess that is good. An update: H is home. Suggested M counseling for us and willing to go to addiction group with me.
does this mean you suggested it or he did? And so are you two going?
I just cannot get over the changes in this man! Every day I keep thinking baby steps and that is just what it is.
Not sure what this means but will assume it's good. It's also fast and sudden. So I would take everything slowly. Not saying to doubt it, or distrust it, but take it at face value in the moment and create no expectations beyond that.
I have tried to be as patient as possible. I have done quite well considering how I know I was pre-dbing!! It is amazing how almost all of the advice and information on the board and books on mlc/was are so accurate. I do not have time to go into detail but it just continues to amaze me. You have walked this road on right on with your knowledge and advice! It is good to have H home. Everyday I make a decision to forgive and see him as human. Sounds so simple but makes a huge difference.
it does make a difference. It is one of the biggest things YOU can do.
We have had many good discussion usually in his time. Like I said before I feel I have no energy for C right now but maybe soon. I am sooo tired of talking about my feelings!! then take a break. Just be in the moment, Create new good memories. Show him that he doesn't have to climb Mt Everest as he so feared...
I am looking for advice on how to act. I am continuing my GAL. I also know my ego gets in the way a lot! How do I overcome that?
Not sure what this means. You keep GAL and being upbeat. What do you mean your ego gets in the way? You seek reassurances from him? Or what? Is he giving that to you or not?
I feel like asking him details of A will help but am I really getting the truth? OR, only what I want to hear?
boy I sure would NOT do that. Not anytime soon. (Maybe never) If you know he's not with her now, what difference does it all make what happened when you were apart? I felt IT was one of his biggest fears-you not forgiving or asking him too many questions. He stayed away in part b/c of his fears. Was that brave? NO. But it's done.
You seemed to think all that did not matter, and you took him back pretty fast.
I am not sure you can ask that stuff at all, but please don't ask him anytime soon for sure...
I will write more later. Thanks!
Have a good holiday. Shelve the pain and hurt and questions for at least a month. Build some more good memories. Comfort the kids for now. Let them rebuild.
(I would strongly suggest you wait til you two begin counselling to ask those questions. Maybe keep the home a safe place for him, only bringing up certain things there at mc)
It's one thing to want to know how and why you are "Safe" now. You know, getting some reassurance that he knows what he wants now and that you are it.
But details about the past and the whole year of his absence, beyond some explanation for why you can feel safe now
may not be helpful. They may hurt your cause. Decide what you need, versus what you want.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
see if he'll attend Retrovaille in a few months. You don't have to be Catholic, b/c they have inter faith retreats too. Besides, although ours was technically Catholic, my h isn't and he never felt pressured or preached to.
It's a pretty profound experience. Then do the follow up program they have. Don't think one weekend will solve your problems.
But it does get you on the right track, out of a rut and gives real hope for a bright future.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks. He suggested the M counseling and bible study. He asked for just a little more time to settle in. Plus I am not ready right now either. I just see committment in him. A concern for what I think and feel. Before I really thought he would not have cared if I fell off the face of the earth!! I know that is not true now and probably never was. I feel my ego is the part where I want to know more about OW. WHy did he do it? WHy her? Does he think shes attractive? Etc. I know this all sounds very immature but I am being honest. I know it won't benefit me to ask but I still want to. He does reassure me about his committment to us and love. But, for some reason it would feel more real if he said negative things about her!! Isn't that rediculous. Just being honest!! I have asked some things. I will stop that. He seems to be doing all he can to check in with me etc to earn my trust back.
I think if he bad mouths her, you could feel worse. Like "well sheesh, if she's THAT MUCH OF A LOSER, why'd you ever pick her over me/us?"
AND OR
you will wonder what would have happened if she had NOT had that terrible flaw...meaning, let's say he bashes her for spending too much...
does that mean if she had invested wisely, he'd still be with her? I don't see how he or you come out ahead with more of those questions.
no offense, but maybe you can try to put your kids and marriage ahead of your ego?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
but it's about the marriage and kids and family and you....
the jealousy and ego driven stuff will make YOU nuts and maybe, worse.
Keep it in line and give yourself a lot more time to recover so that you two have bonded enough with time layering on new memories and "getting past this" feelings
and THEN if you still feel the need, then as a couple you will be more likely to handle it.
Then again, you may want to stay in the present ...as long as he is giving you real signs of reassurance.
then the rest of the OW issues may fade. If they don't fade, ask yourself if it's YOU and the ego/fears/insecurities
OR Him being evasive and "pretending" too much amnesia has passed.
I DO agree you have the "right" to know...I just don't know how healthy it is and I definitely think you two need a breather before delving into it.
Have you read the book "After the Affair"? I heard it was good.
Maybe check that out.
Have a warm, PEACEFUL laughter filled and joyful holiday! take a break!
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
