Separation Helped So Far..

[anyhope]

Nah, no plans. I was out this weekend for some parties and I think I managed to catch the flu while at it. And lot of opportunities to get out as its summer. Lot of birthdays and weddings coming up. I'm trying to save for a November vacation but as funny as it may sound unfortunately it's true.. I have $15 saved so still lots to save lol. Oh well.. We'll see how that goes.

[kml]

A couple of resources for you for saving up for your vacation:

Listen to the DAve Ramsey show online (archives are available anytime and free - NO need to sign up for his service or anything like that. )

Find a book called The Tightwad Gazette by Dacyzyn - will inspire you.

Oh - and a book called Your Money or Your Life.

[kml]

Hope you're doing okay?

[anyhope]

Hello,
Long time no post which is good as I tend to carry on with life when all is going ok. And it has been for the most part. Things have not changed much as far as h is concerned. He proceeds to try and act as if nothing ever happened and has been calling me daily. One day I got fed up when he called and had nothing to say.. You know that silence on the phone you enjoy with your partner or a good friend even.. Well he's non of those to me so I just had enough and told him not to call me to 'breath' in the phone as we no longer have that relationship there's only so much I can put up with.
So then he got offended and I ended up texting him saying I was sorry but he's lost that place in my life and I'm not abut to have forced conversations with him daily that I don't feel comfortable with. He said they're not forced as far as he's concerned. (and then I thought of course not because it's not me who left you from one day to the next and moved in with someone else) :-/
Long story short.. Yesterday there was a Halloween party and all our friends usually go out together this year being no exception.
At this time last yr we were already a few months into the mess and he was already happy with ow. I just remembered today that last year at Halloween I listened to him tell people (while I was standing a few steps away from him) how he met a girl who is so intelligent and how glad he is he had met her.. Im not sure about the conversation before or after that as that was more than enough for me to turn around and leave that spot.
This year we went out and all was fun and games, had a good time.. Close to the end of the party this handsome knight with whom we exchanged a look came to talk to me. Within 2 minutes he was there telling the guy to get lost. Then I told him to get lost he had no business talking to him as I can talk to him if I want to. I felt bad for poor guy he clearly meant no trouble it was just strange so I had a fight with him about who exactly does he think he is.. He kept on saying that he's still my husband and I'm not to talk to guys when he's there. I told him if it bothers him he can leave but he pretty much said he'd punch out every guy who comes near me because he just won't watch that. I reminded him that over a year ago he told me he doesn't want me and I was already replaced with ow with whom he moved in its not my fault that his new 'love' didn't work out as planned nor will I be single forever because he decided that I am good enough after all.
Well point is words can't express how angry I was. He called me about 10 times today I ignored all his calls and have decided to ignore him altogether from now on. I might have to find new friends so I can hang out with whomever I want, possibly other men.. I mean I'm just not sure but it's pretty messed up.
And btw thanks for that book suggestion. My friends are leaving for a vacation in 2 weeks and I might just convince myself to go and just shut off for a week because I feel tired.

[kml]

Go - you could use the break.

And why, oh why, haven't you just gone ahead and gotten a divorce? Why do you even pick up the phone when it's him?

Really, he can get jealous and macho and pursuing all he wants - but what has he REALLY done to repair the mess he made? Nothing.

I think he sounds scary and controlling and I worry about him becoming abusive to you.

[anyhope]

I picked up because why not be on good terms. Lot of the things he told me about us drifting apart was true. As much as it hurt how he left me the fact was that our marriage sucked. If he was man enough to stand by those thoughts or ow for that matter we'd have no issues. I'd move on with my life too. But now a year and a half later when ow turned out to be not all that. He's 41. Not as hot as he thought he was a year ago he figures I'm not so bad after all. As a matter of fact texting me all day today to go to the movies with him and how he'll be the best husband ever.. But I honestly could never ever forgive him.. Or even begin to repair and the truth is I don't need to. I doubt he'd get abusive towards me. Towards other men in my life.. He might but I mean if that happens some jail time would be perfect for him to think things through.. But that's not around the corner as I doubt I'll be hanging out with any men knowing he might get aggressive. But why do I have to still suffer for his bs.. I'm ignoring his texts now. Can't be too long before it sinks in for him.. I mean it sunk in for me too slowly but surely that I was no longer any good so sure he'll be able to process it especially since the whole [censored] is his creation. As per the vacation I can't go.. I was just looking at them now hoping for some awesome deal but I'm starting to think some higher power doesn't want me going. Car broke down on monday and I spent an arm and a leg to get it up and running :-/

[verycrazy]

Hi, anyhope, you always seemed like a strong person, but now you seem even stronger, and with something more. Your husband didn't take into account that while he was out sowing his wild oats, you would not be sitting around right where he left you. You were out growing a tougher skin, and living your own life. It's just his own tough luck that when he decided you were good enough after all, you had decided HE might just not be good enough for you. And, someone like him, who constantly wavers with ow and you, isn't good enough for you, you do deserve better. Dang skunk.

So, what do you do in Canada when it is so cold? Is it snowing there? Too bad about your car going belly up just when you need a vacation.

vc

[anyhope]

It is snowing today, it's been very mild almost summer like a few days this past week.. Well ok not summer like but in the double digits so it was great. You're right about me being strong and all I mean remember my old posts? I was just a complete mess and more than a year has passed, ow moved out I snooped and discovered they're no longer friends on fb. Why snoop you ask? I guess I want to validate my hate towards him lol. Or wanted to but they're not friends.. On fb that is, not sure about real life.

So since last time I told him that being friends is clearly not working he hasn't called me for quite some time.. Two weeks maybe. Not long but felt so nice. He attempted some calls the past few days, one excuse lamer than the other and when he does that I get so mad and usually decide I just won't pick up when he calls next time. In a few days I forget that thought and he calls and I pick up as I did yesterday. He makes small talk.. I tell him I'm not interested in his small talk and he says, oh ok and says bye.

I was then again thinking I won't pick up next time, I mean what does he want? Just makes me so mad and I think what makes me so mad is his small talk and pretending as if nothing happened. Guessing it's his way of getting into my 'good books' but I thought it would be so nice to hear a sincere apology.. And not because he wants to live with me happily ever after as if nothing happened but because he hurt me deeply day after day for months, he betrayed me in ways more than one.. I mean not only did he cheat on me but he also yelled at me many times how (and why) I'm not good enough.. Telling the same stuff to our friends.. And he has the nerve to call me and start talking about his day.. My jaw drops to the floor seriously.

He did say sorry over text once or twice but does that even count? Do I feel any better? No I don't. I honestly just want to scream at him when he does that but I get so angry I wouldn't make any sence anyways. It would be very very nice if he apologized and let me move on with my life instead of acting as if nothing happened. Before when id attempt some convos with him and I was having a bad day... I'll give you an example.. He'd call asking if I cooked anything (not sure if I ever mentioned how my cooking was [censored] before as per him) so he'd call ask that and I'd say didn t the whore cook something? In these senarios he either says ok bye or asks what whore.. And atcually waits for a response :-/ and I go on to say the whore you left me for, the one you moved in with.. Remember?

So it bothers me.. Aside from that I have friends constantly asking me about him, this one friend of ours every time he has a few drinks brings it up.. That I must still love him and how he messed up.. But now it's too late.. Or sometimes he'd just ask if I spoke to him and then again I get so mad and say no I have not spoken to him, we have nothing to talk about. I wish that people would just get off my back and him included. Sometimes I think maybe I should find a bf for a few months just so people back off and stop asking me about h. But then I don't want to do that either because that's stupid.

So holding up as strong as I can now but not easy and people around me don't make it any easier.

Do you all think I should tell h to apologize and let me be or should I leave it? I mean if he doesn't feel that a sincere apology is due than would I be happy if he just said the words?

And to top it all off (call me crazy) I was just thinking about 'poor' h today. How the holidays are coming up and he has no one to buy gifts for even.. Is that even normal? Is it my hormones playing games making me so sensitive at times?

[verycrazy]

I don't think his apologies count for much at all, considering his behavior all along has shown he really feels otherwise.
He purposefully made you feel as though you were less than him, not good enough for him. He doesn't seem to have whatever gene it is that makes people "get it". Something is missing. The get a clue gene.

How much would an apology really mean to you if you have to tell him to do it? It isn't saying the words, it's him actually meaning it. It's like telling a kid to say I'm sorry for hitting his brother in the head with a toy. He does it, but does he mean it?

I guess you are just normal, with normal compassionate feelings towards other human beings (yes, your poor H is a human being) and a bit of a motherly/nurturing instinct, too. I would sometimes find myself pitying my H, even though I wanted to harm him quite badly at the same time. But, you have that compassion, where your H does not seem to.

vc

[anyhope]

I guess you're right. I know you're right. But I wish he would get it tho..

Well on another note I'd like to wish everyone here a merry Christmas, should I not post till then a happy new year. This fourm is such a big help and a place of relief and I'm really thankful for your insights throughout the mess.