Another WAW

[2thepoint]

Hi anclost! Good to hear you are doing well and enjoying time with the kids. I don't have a lot of time right now but wanted to offer a quick observation and a suggestion.

Your WAS has problems that are clearly beyond anything that she ever tried to blame on you. I remember how awfully she treated you and her unhappiness was supposed to be entirely your fault. Well, now that she has flown the coop and is free from you, she is still unhappy. So who's fault is that your's or her's?

Although your poster name is "anclost", I truly believe it is your W that is the one who is "lost." My two cents is that she may be starting to figure out that her happiness is of her own choosing. Her desire now to postpone the D is perhaps her way of saying, "Hey anclost, can we slow this train down some?"

To my mind, someone who is hell bent on D, is not going to want to slow down, no matter what. If you can tolerate it and hang on, I'd encourage you to postpone the D for as long as possible. Remember, it is time and losts of it that usually is the LBS's best friend.

I wish you well. Enjoy the kids and the beautiful summer in AK.

Take care!

[anclost]

Thanks for the rapid replies!

Turns out that my W's lawyer replied that the court had approved the D and he couldn't hold off on completing the divorce for too much longer. W is still quitting her job tomorrow and is scrambling to get a new one. Not sure what her plan is for medical benefits. Maybe I could offer to pick up cobra benefits until she is insured.

Yesterday she said she will not be working after Friday and that our boys should come visit her in Dallas for a week or two. By that she means for me to buy their tickets, not her. She said they should get to see their Mom and she hasn't seen them since Christmas. Now I don't mind if they go visit of course but for me to suddenly jump through hoops to get them there and pay for it, I'm not sure that is a valid request.

I have to say, my W is really not doing very well. She cried when I talked to her on the phone recently, she said she cries every night.

However her behavior is still out of bounds. My son talked to her and told her I was flying next week, so last night at 2 am she starts texting me "where am I flying to, who am I fly with, do I have a girl friend, am I dating, why am I going to HNL again", etc.

Then she starts in on how I never loved her and the same complaints she has had against me etc. Well I guess Ive had it, maybe I didn't give the proper response but I told her that her behavior is completely unacceptable, this has been her choice not mine, she doesn't have the right to talk or treat me in that manner. If she can't be nice then I don't need to hear from her anymore.

Maybe not DBing at its best but clearly she has issues she has to work out, I said even at 4000 miles away and you are still blaming me for everything wrong in your life. I said enough was enough!

I'm reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I can't say for sure but my wife certainly exhibits some of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. It has been an eye opening read.

I know Ive made many mistakes in this marriage. But I am starting to wonder if my M was ever good to begin with.

Ive come to realize with my wife's issues, I was never prepared to deal with her properly. Like I told a friend recently, all I remember about my honeymoon is walking 100 yds behind my W while she was angry about something. That is how our whole M seems, and to cope at the end I just started to pull back and avoid her by working. Not the right thing to do.

Now I have a hard time seeing myself in any relationship let alone with my STBX. Is that normal?

Still read this forum quite a lot. Hope I'm able to have the relationship skills that you all do some day. The advice is priceless!

Lost in Alaska

[25yearsmlc]

it's very late, even for me. So I want to just touch on several things in summary manner.

Here's the part of me that always felt for your w and is probably why someone referred me to your thread. As you know I lived in Alaska, in 2 places, for 4 years. Fairbanks was the hardest place I've ever lived and we were mlitary and moved 16 times so that's saying a lot.

Living off post sukked b/c the locals were absolutely NOT friendly to us. Borderline rude much of the time...oddly rude really. NOT one neighbor welcomed us there and they saw us moving in for days (In contrast, all military bases welcome you and most civilian neighbors do too. MOST. WE were at neighbor's barbeques our first WEEK in our city now near Los Angeles.

But The Alaskan darkness & the rural nature of things and being SO REMOTE from a real airport to travel, feeling so far away as well as the small town nature of things, which I loved in other towns, seemed cold to me (no pun intended) but I guess it attracts hermits so we found it really unfriendly. Not a lot to do either...

Anchorage was way more civilized (and real Alaskans would say it's wimpy)

but the daylight/terribly cold times were still extremely hard for ME.

Sapped a lot of energy out of me and I'm a very extroverted person. I met few there.

Plus of course, my marriage took a dive b/c just as had our 3rd child there, h got busy doing all the outdoor stuff & leaving me with a newborn and no friends or job. (HE concedes he kind if effed it up for me and regrest it but I let go of that).

MY POINT HERE is just that so many women I met there were stuck there.

Their h's careers AND OR personal preferences got them there. Anti-depressants were openly discussed by officers' wives in the Army (a FIRST for me( and

I recall the marquis on the K-Mart announcing once "APOLOGIES CUSTOMERS; WE HAVE NO ANTI-DEPRESSANTS IN STOCK UNTIL MONDAY...WE APOLOGIZE" AND then the following week

with great fanfare, ths sign was blinking "SEROTONIN UPTAKE AND SSCRIS' FOR DEPRESSION IN TODAY...WHILE SUPPLIES LAST"...

what do you say about a place that runs out of anti-depressants?

SO I always felt your w's problem was partly related to living there.

But Now I think it was just a trigger for a bigger downward spiral for her...

and Sandi's advice is probably the one to really read most. She was a WAW but I doubt she ever felt quite so "entitled" but hey, we didn't know you then Sandi....

Your w's REQUEST that you pay for your son's trip to see her would be out of line but if she said it politiely, I'd at least answer w/courtesy and possibly, entertain the idea.

But since she doesn't seem to have ASKED AT ALL, but presumes or implies and wallows in self pity, after all this crap, I'd force her to come out and ask for the money and then clarify for her what reality is.

"You divorce me. You repeatedly accused me of A's, falsely and blamed me for all our problems, ALL of them.

Now you are far apart and still blaming. NOW you think I should feel sorry for you for missing the sons you left behind

AND NOW YOU ALSO want me to pay for the boys to get back into your life to see you? Do you have any insight into how out of line this is?

NO you don't and that's how I know you're stoo stubborn to change b/c the main mantra you have is you MUST BE SEEN AS RIGHT, no matter how obvious the mistakes you have made are...and you won't change and that's sad b/c you keep hurting the people you love...Gotta go, bye bye..."

Would I Say this?^^^ Yes I would. But I'm not telling you to. I'm just venting vicariously...

I think you have been handling things firmly, clearly and as long as you don't ever stoop to name calling or ranting out tangents like she does, with her blame games

then you can hold your head high. Yes I think she is sick. But NO that doesn't mean she gets to mistreat you anymore than a drunk h in AA, gets to relapse and stumble into his former home for a place to rest or to drive someone else's car since his in impounded...do not enable.

Listening to her spew too long is a form of enabling. You can hang up you know.

So Don't enable her. Let her fall. Honestly it MIGHT be the awakening she needs. And if not, at least you stopped picking her up.

Also, I think you are finally having your own awakening. Your marriage was really satisfying and happy...when?

For how long?

See, we LBSers revise our marital histories too....when the WAS says they were ALWAYS MISERABLE"

we tend to minimize the struggles and recall the best of the times, sometimes enhancing them way too much...saying "we always happy until suddenly out of nowhere" the WAS wanted out..."never saw it coming" etc

but when we are honest, usually it was not out of nowhere but was the culmination of a pattern the WAS got away with for too long...

Stay strong, and never forget your sons are watching you.

So be strong, act with honor, be the best man YOU can be and leave the results up to God.

When you can, toss out a prayer for your wife for she sounds like a tortured soul. Most alcoholics are too....

do not enable her. I think you are doing great. Your latest response to your WAS, in my opinion mostly pretty spot on DBing...

((( )))

[anclost]

Well......

I need to ask for your opinions again. Yesterday was our anniversary. The previous evening I was at dinner with a friend and my wife couldn't reach me and left multiple text and voice messages.

In the messages she was very distraught and said she wants to come home.

So I called her. We talked for a while, she was a complete emotional wreck, crying and sobbing.

Not sure if I handled it correctly but I didn't tell her she could come home, I asked her what she was willing to do. I said her actions have hurt me immensely and I'm unsure of how to move forward. I said counseling is a must, both individual and marriage. I don't trust her motives, is it because she really wants to be with me or is it just because financially it is difficult.

It was hard, one of the hardest things I've ever done not to just tell to come home. I hate to see her suffer like that, but I am really scared that we will fall back into the same bad relationship.

We still aren't divorced on paper, not sure how to handle that either. Do I continue with the divorce, work on the R and if it works out remarry? Or do we stop the divorce.

I was very direct with my wife. I told her the behavior the last year has been completely unacceptable. I called her on many of the things I've discussed here, I told her I was actually very angry with her. She needs help, professional help and it starts with her insecurity issues from when she was a child.

Again, I don't know if I said or did the right thing, but I feel I have to protect myself somewhat at this point right?

She said she would call and talk more on Sunday. She told her parents she was miserable and they told her to come home and work it out.

I have no idea how to do this TBH. I still need to figure out myself, how to be strong in a relationship, what I want etc.

Any suggestions?

Thanks again,

Lost In Alaska

[anclost]

BTW 25, your post was very astute. The advice here has only helped me get stronger.

Your comments regarding Alaska really explains how this place affects some people. Even though my W said she wants to come "home", she still said she can't live in Alaska any more.

Lost In Alaska

[2thepoint]

Hi Anclost! I'll leave the advice for others but just wanted to say that I think you handled the situation perfectly. And, you are right to be suspicious and to question your W's motives. And, you are right to be angry and distrustful. Your W has treated you terribly and she must own that behavior and correct it. Do what you think is right. I think you are on the right path.

Hang in there!

[sandi2]

She wants to come home b/c things didn't go like she thought they would. But she hasn't changed! She hasn't put forth any effort to make changes, and until you see true results of effort on her behalf, you would be in the very same mess you have been in ever since your honeymoon.

If she were a man, do you see yourself walking 40 feet behind b/c he was mad at you? Would you have repeatedly taken the ABUSE from another man and continue any relationship (friendship, co-worker, whatever). If so, then you have some real issues that you need to see a professional about. I'm not a shrink, but I can tell you this much about human beings, if you let others mistreat you this badly, they do not get better toward you. They don't have any respect for you. In fact, they will detest you b/c you act like a coward by letting them cr@p all over you.

You finally told her what she said was not acceptable. (However, you should have told her in much stronger language, that doesn't sound like her teacher.) Good for you! But it's not over. She isn't going to give up that quickly. She'll do her best to get back home....ON HER TERMS...not yours. So this is your chance to tell her she's on her own and you are through with her. Yes, it's tough, but you should have yanked that knot out of her a$$ on your honeymoon, but you didn't, so now you've reaped the crop!

Do you have the ba!!s to tell her you are through? That is the only thing that will cause her to want you. Right now, she doesn't want YOU, she just wants her security back. If you start telling her she has to see a counselor, etc., she will agree, just to get back home. Once she's back, she isn't going to do squat!

However, if she believes she has really split her pants with you and that she' thrown away the best thing that ever happened for her................THEN SHE WILL TAKE THE NEEDED ACTION WITHOUT YOU TELLING HER. But first, she has to think you have truly had it with her. If she wants you more than she wants to come home, then she will do the work to get her man! But make her do the work where she is.

She isn't going to think that you've had enough as long as she can put you through the wringer every time you have a flight! Stop giving her answers to her petty, jealous, demands. Hang up on her, instead of telling her isn't not appropriate!! Show her that it doesn't earn your "time".

She had to have the divorce date to arrive before she could even call to say she wanted to come home. Personally, I think she should be on her own, or live with her parents, for whatever amount of years it takes for her to get mentally healthy. If you're still interested in another try at M with her, then maybe....who knows. I feel that going dark with her is the only thing that will cause her to want to change.

This your only chance. Make it count!

[heartbrokeinsd]

wow..were you talking about my W sandi? that is good advice.

anclost-

look hard at what you believe in. deep down i bet you know what to do. and it probably feels wrong. which i am coming to find out, usually means it is the right thing to do. good luck.

Dakota

[anclost]

Yes I know Sandi2 is right. Thank you for the the quick response. I have not heard from her since she texted me early Friday morning. She said she was very frazzled. I don't think she ever thought I would say no.

But not hearing from her I am a little concerned. And I feel extremely guilty. I am responsible for much of what went wrong in the marriage. That is the hard part, I want to rescue her. But that is exactly what I can't do.

She did mention moving back to her parents. I really think that is what she should do for the time being.

Again thanks for everything. This is hard!

Lost in Alaska

[sandi2]

I believe it's good that you can see what it is your old self wants to do (like rescue her) and yet have the strength and wisdom to know it didn't work in the past and it won't work now.

I think she'll try to make you feel guilty, b/c she'll play every card in her deck before this is over and done. Sure you played a part in the downfall of the R, but she brought it to this point and she will have to be the one to work hard and grow enough to have a new M (if it's with you). That's not to say you have nothing to do. In the meantime, you need to take classes, or read the right books, mix & mingle with the opposite sex, or something to learn how to deal with over-bearing women. She's not the only one who needs time & space from the location and the M.

Time, distance, and her getting the right kind of help is the only hope for a future together (but don't you dare tell her!) Do you know why you shouldn't tell her? B/c she needs to think you have had enough of her and you're not interested any longer.

Look, I think I know what you "wish" she would do.....but she won't. So, You need to develop a social life (and do not give her reports when demanded) b/c you are single and it will help polish you up a bit. And if she calls demanding details, how will you handle it?

I truly hope she'll stay with her folks, but when she tries to use them as her instrument to get to you, what will you say to them?

When she cries on your sons' shoulders and tell them daddy won't let her come home, what will you say to them?

You need to nip this in the bud b/c you usually get caught off guard by her. Tell the boys that you cannot live with her again until you can see vast improvement, and enough time alone side of the improvements, before you would even entertain a thought of sharing a life with her. Don't leave them in the dark by not talking to them about their mother. Besides, they need to know how unbalanced she is. You sure don't want them to think she is the role model for them when they start thinking of M.

You're going to make it. You can do this!

((hugs))