Well I have not posted to you but Mach asked me to check in on you and what Mach asks Mach gets. It has taken me a few days to read up on your sitch because I have one rule for posting; read every post before I post. It’s just me, I like to get the whole picture because while I believe certain things apply to every sitch they are each unique and one screw driver does not fit every screw.
I am going to go back from your first post and work my way to today, I hope you don’t mind.
Originally Posted By: CO1978
“During the session I realized I was the problem in our marriage.”
Bud, let me explain something that has taken me a long time to learn. A divorce is something that happens with you not something that happens to you or because of you. Two people are here NOT one and so when you shoulder all the blame I will part ways with you. One thing that happens A LOT on the boards and you see it to be true for posters who are just starting out is that we are responsible for everything that happened. If I could have done this or done that……..IF……A lot of wasted time; no one walks this rd alone and you are no different. Concentrate on the area YOU could have done differently and work on that. Let the rest sort itself out.
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
We had just taken a vacation together to Florida (Oct 23-39) which I thought went well”
The only reason I mention this quote is because my X left one month after our Florida vacation……future note to self….stay away from FL for vacations 
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
I thought it went well, although it was a “me” bashing session.”
My X did a DB session with me I call it the 2step roast, that’s ok though. You listen and you reflect.
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
(Not sure if she hugged me because she wanted to, or she knew I was going to ask for one)”
Spend a little less time worrying about why she does what she does. I know it is hard but in the end you will drive yourself crazy analyzing things to death. It does not change your approach to anything because after all you are doing the changes for you right?
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
I asked her if she could look over the book he gave me to see if she could see more, since she knows me better than anyone, she was slow to, but agreed.”
Bad move. Even if you are diagnosed with BiPolar disorder then that is for you and your health provider to figure out. Unless I missed it I don’t believe your wife is a doctor so in the fragile state of your marriage things like this should not be shared with her. If sympathy is what you think you will get I hate to tell you that you will get very little from a WAW.
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
I of coarse broke down, pleaded that we could be a family again, and that I loved her.”
Well I don’t need to address this because you did it yourself in the next quote.
Originally Posted By: CO1978
“I know I shouldn't have pleaded or begged or even cried a little in front of her”
So if you know then just don’t do it. One month sober right? That is a lot harder than controlling your emotions.
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
I think I am losing who I am, and slowly breaking down. I can't control my emotions anymore.”
You can DB perfectly, do everything by the book to the letter and still not save your marriage. I think it is important you know this because false hope is as damaging as no hope IMO. One thing that should never happen is regardless of what happens you should never lose who you are. Right now you think everything is wrong with you and you caused your marriage to end but I have news for you there are some real qualities about you so address things that need addressing but never lose yourself. Not for anyone……….to include your wife.
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
It was a book concerning bipolar disorder (the therapist isn't sure if that is what I have quite yet), and she looked it over and doesn't think it completly fits me. Like a said before, I needed someone close enough to me that could see if I was experiencing the symptoms (bipolars can't always see the symptoms themselves) so I could get properly diagnosed when I go into my next session”
You didn’t need someone close to you. You wanted sympathy and wanted to tug at her heart strings. Look I get it, but it just doesn’t work that way.
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
What I can't get over is her "feeling empty". She said she feels no emotion when she pets the dogs and cats.”
This is normal bud, they are losing a marriage also and they are just as heartbroken as you are. Even the ones that are very stoic eventually crumble because you can go anywhere in the world but eventually you will meet yourself again.
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
She wants to talk about this? So do I just put it off, obviously I won't bring it up, but how do I handle her bringing it up?”
Listen and validate. The more she talks the less you talk. You can’t shoot an unarmed man so the more she attacks the more you nod and agree. She will run out of steam and you will be surprised, she might actually even defend you. It is funny. When my X would attack me I decided to try this. She would accuse me of something and I would say “yes you are right. That was terrible of me” it didn’t take long for her to start defending me. “well you weren’t that bad” little by little.
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
One huge positive is that I am much more prepared for D than I thought. I thought it would hurt a lot more, but my spirit is a lot stronger now with my 180s”
Smoke and mirrors. If I remember your first post was around Nov of 2011. I am sure you have your moments where you feel very ready and strong but something very small will drag you down. It happens and while I hope you spend as little time in this hell as possible know that you have a long way to go.
“
Originally Posted By: CO1978
As I said in the long post, hurts me that I didn't know sooner what she was feeling, because she knows I get it now”
She suspects you understand some things but you know what? You did the best you could with the little info you had. We spend so much time worrying about what we did wrong and concentrating on the things we could have done differently but you know what CO? It is the responsibility of both people to understand each other. That burden does not fall on one set of shoulders. Stop beating yourself up because it is not worth it; be the best you can be for you regardless of what she does or says.
Originally Posted By: CO1978
“What exactly can I do about this? Going dark doesn't seem to be the answer. People say detach, I feel I AM detached as much detached as I am going to get”
Detaching is a nice catchy phrase but it sure is hard. Change your focus and you will change your outcome. Detaching is not something that happens from one day to the other it takes time and serious healing. If you shift your focus from her to yourself the detaching will come naturally.
Stay positive and stay focus and know that no matter how bad today is the sun will come out tomorrow. The pain is real, I know, but while you wish it would it does not kill you. Be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself.
The above post by 2stepboogie may be one of the best posts I've ever read on this site. CO, I hope things are going well for you. I've been cheering for you from the beginning and will continue to do so. You can do this!
2step thanks for the advice/input, I am always looking for any advice I can get.
Went to first AA meeting on Thursday night, more on that later.
W dropped S off on her way to work. I asked her for a favor as we were going into the house, if she could copy some discs for me. She seemed a bit agitated when she answered me, so I asked her what was wrong.
She started crying saying she had a terrible day, she wasn't feeling well, she was trying to do our taxes, she was trying to sell her(my) car, trying to sell her engagement ring, trying to fix a computer and a TV for people I work with and S was pestering her all day.
She said she didn't get anything wrong, and felt like crap and couldn't call off from work.
I let her vent and told her things will be alright. I told her to just take it one day at a time and there was no rush.
She said she didn't have money because her car payments were to high and that's why she needed to sell car.
I told her I wouldn't let her struggle and again to take it one day at a time. It was very dificult not reaching out and holding her as she was crying.
She finished venting, I offered her some Advil and she left for work, I told her to try and make the best of her day.
Did I handle this right?
She will be by later tonight to pick S up (S will be asleep by then around 11pm), is there any advice on anything here.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
As for AA meeting. It was a small meeting (only 4 of us at this meeting), but it went well. Felt good to get things off my chest to others who were nothing like me, but had simular situations in life because of alcohol. They told me of the other meeting in the area, which are way bigger, and how to get a sponsor.
I will definitely go again and perhaps to more meetings than just one a week.
Sitting at 94 days sober.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
W called me to tell me she went to ER instead of work, she is still battling an infection in her throat, the doctors ensured her it is not cancer, though she does have a lump on the side of her neck now. She got put on a few medications.
I drove S to her house. Said hi to her parents and her sister and hugged and kissed S to leave. When leaving S said "Now mommy its your turn to give a kiss." Meaning for W to give me a kiss. Awkward moment, we all laughed, I tried to change subject and leave, as W did same, but S got a bit upset and insisted. W gave me a peck on the cheek, seemed like she was kissing a leper. It was all funny until the awkward kiss.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
W called me to tell me she went to ER instead of work, she is still battling an infection in her throat, the doctors ensured her it is not cancer, though she does have a lump on the side of her neck now. She got put on a few medications.
I drove S to her house. Said hi to her parents and her sister and hugged and kissed S to leave. When leaving S said "Now mommy its your turn to give a kiss." Meaning for W to give me a kiss. Awkward moment, we all laughed, I tried to change subject and leave, as W did same, but S got a bit upset and insisted. W gave me a peck on the cheek, seemed like she was kissing a leper. It was all funny until the awkward kiss.
I feel you it's been like that for a while too. Wouldn't it be awesome to have them truly want to give you a hug or kiss without it feeling like you were doing it to your little sister when you were 6?
