I need help please.......so conflicted

[seanna]

My husband of 17 years had an affair that I discovered on our our 14th year anniversary. It had been going on for 3 years prior.

It continued for another year after I found out and he was going back and forth, it was a horrible year.

Then he decided to stay & work it out with me. he didnt see or speak to her for a year and a half. He got depressed, called her & wanted to know if the could be together in the future when our kids grw up. They are 10 and 8 now. I just had a feeling something was going on and I went there and saw his car. That's how I found out.

I want a divorce (i think). I mean, what is wrong with me that I would take this crap?
I need advice please....Thank you for reading.

[kml]

You know, I've been in your shoes - kind of. My H had an affair - a BRIEF one, not prolonged like your H's. We reconciled (with the help of this board) and actually had several of the best years of our marriage (and really, our marriage was pretty good most of the time anyway).

Then as he approached fifty, he became depressed again (stopped his antidepressants), he had a business disappointment, he had a couple of concussions, I had some health problems, and he started looking elsewhere again.

Luckily, my kids by that time were 17, 18 and 21. But it was still tough on all of us when he left.

But I have to tell you, as distraught as I was at the time, now I am happy to be single.

The men who I have dated since my ex left, have appreciated me so much more than he did. My life is more fun, now that I'm not walking on eggs around my grumpy ex and trying to twist myself into a pretzel to keep him happy.

I play the drums in a rock band, I have a handsome boyfriend who is 9 years younger than me, and I don't miss my ex.

It sounds like you've tried hard to save your marriage, and it [censored] for the kids to go through a divorce - but really, a H whose disrespect is ongoing in this way? You don't deserve it.

(Btw - I'm willing to bet that if he DID get to be with the OW, the shine would wear off his fantasy pretty quick.)

Maybe, just right this minute, you don't have to decide? Just focus on YOUR life, on what you need to work on in yourself, on making plans so that you will be financially okay if you do divorce. And be real clear on what it would take for him to redeem himself - counseling, treatment for his depression, no contact, complete transparency (that assumes he's even trying to stay).

You would be completely justified if you decide you are done. But I know with kids, you want to shield them from everything you can.

I'll just say though - when we finally split, I kinda wished I had been younger (your age) when I divorced. I worried about dating in my fifties - and it is a bit tougher, I think.

[Starsky309]

My husband of 17 years had an affair that I discovered on our our 14th year anniversary. It had been going on for 3 years prior.

It continued for another year after I found out and he was going back and forth, it was a horrible year.

Then he decided to stay & work it out with me. he didnt see or speak to her for a year and a half. He got depressed, called her & wanted to know if the could be together in the future when our kids grw up. They are 10 and 8 now. I just had a feeling something was going on and I went there and saw his car. That's how I found out.

I want a divorce (i think). I mean, what is wrong with me that I would take this crap?
I need advice please....Thank you for reading.

Seanna,

I'm sorry for your pain. Can you tell us more about the "back-and-forth" year, especially what happened immediately after HE knew that YOU knew about his affair?

Specifically, were there any boundaries that you put in place during this time, or did he just come and go (emotionally) as he pleased?

thanks,

Starsky

[seanna]

Thank you so much for your reply. you know, you feel like you're totally alone and nobody understands....I have tried. For years. I'm feeling trapped because of the kids, because weve been together 20 years, because my dad's dying and I dont want the kids to have double trama in the upcomming months, but I'm starting to really get depressed.

It wouldve been fine I think,if he just didnt contact her that one last time. We were working on things. I was just starting to be able to breathe again without looking over my shoulder.

Then this past December 11th, I got the intuition again, and I was right on. Why the eff did he go back there again? I understand that people get depressed, but to go over there to try and see if she's still waiting for him? UNFORGIVABLE!!

He swears he wasnt trying to strike things up again,but I feel he was. Maybe not right now but I most certainly feel he was making sure she was still waiting the 10 lifetimes that she promised she'd wait for him before.

I'm so angry. He doesnt deserve me at all. I just dont see why he wont leave. he keeps saying we can co-parent if I dont want to be married. I dont want to co-parent. I want a life...without him.

He ruined so much of my life. He had a great job, i didnt have to work, we had a good life, kids, a house in Huntington Beach, everything. Then he had the affair, lost his job, got arrested twice, went to rehab for rx meds. My life is [censored] now.

I need to get some balls and just do it. Why am I so scared? I'm 43, I can support myself, on the outside i look as if I have it all together, but inside I'm a mess.

It's nice to hear your story. I kind of feel we have some of the same issues and you made it through which is very encouraging for me. Any tips you can think of, throw my way.....I apreciate it. Thanks so much for sharing you story.

[kml]

Are you going to marriage counseling? Do you think he has relapsed on his prescription drug addiction? How did he respond when you caught him with OW?

[onyourside2]

hi seanna

i'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. i also understand the righteous anger you feel. many people, like the other contributor, might well question why you would even think of trying to save your marriage. i can't honestly say what i would do in your shoes, but i do know this. if i listened to my better judgement i would give myself some time to feel like any decision i made was truly thoughtful and not overly driven by the emotions of the moment.

i might be able to help you, but not if you don't want it or think you are beyond the point of no return. if you want to keep the marriage option open, let me know with a reply.

in the meantime, please know you have my support in spirit for what you are going through. if you hang around here i think you'll find a lot of that.

best to you,

onyourside2

[seanna]

No, we arent going to counseling anymore...what's the point? When I caught him over there, he said he was there telling her that he made a mistake calling her the day before. He told me that he called her, then he called her back to say that he made a mistake by calling and she said that he need to say it to her face to face. that's why he was there. Do I believe it? Um, NO! but what can i do? It was 2 weeks before Christmas, my dads last one (he has 4th stage liver cancer) and I didn't want to ruin Christmas for everyone. Now Christmas is over and I'm confused, mad, sad, having nightmares & I'm getting really down & depressed. How he can do this to me and the kids is beyond me. He always seems to talk his way out of everything and I fall the the crap. So some days I'm hopeful, then others I'm hopeless. I feel like such a spineless loser. I'm so conflicted about what to do

[kml]

You have an awful lot on your plate with your father's illness. There's no need to feel like you have to make some decision right this moment.

Yes, your H was a jerk. He might be hopeless. But sometimes it is helpful to ask yourself, what would it take for you to trust him again? What behavior would that require? What would it look like?

If you can visualize that, then you can also communicate to him what you expect, and you have a yardstick against which you can measure the sincerity of his efforts.

In my case - when my H finally left - I realized that this time, after two prior affairs and one prior reconciliation, that there really wasn't anything he would be able to do that would ever allow me to trust him again. Once I realized that, it was easier for me to let go.

[seanna]

You're right. I realize that too. When I think of what he can do make the situation better, I find that nothing is going to make me want to fix this. It's been too much sone to me and I dont want to forgive & forget. I just want to move on alone. Thanks so much for your responses. They really helped.