I'm still stuck

[Margali]

I've been here off and on for a few years - since 2008 at least. Everytime I think the problem is over, it comes back.

Quick review - I'm 48 y.o., DH is almost 53, _been together 10 years. From 2002 to 2008 we were doing it once or twice a week. After that, it dropped off to once a month) if I'm lucky.).

When the slowdown started, of course I talked to him about it. He insisted that he loves me, doesn't have anybody else, and wants us to stay together. Not secretly gay, doesn't find me unattractive - basically, none of the common reasons why men don't want women any more apply here. He had his testosterone checkex and it was normal. He did have a prostate scare about 2 years ago, but it was just a scare. Anyway, that was about 2 years into the low-sex desert - and now it's been about 2 years since then.

A couple of other factors: we have 2 cats, and DH has trouble ignoring them and continuing w me if they're being especially fractious. The other thing that's been discussed is my job: it is stressful and sometimes takes a lot of me. I don't like that either, but unless he wants to put me on his health insurance and let me stay home or work a lower paid but less demanding job, he's just going to have to deal. ( I am applying for other jobs, but you know what the job market is like.)

Most of the time I feel sad, unattractive, afraid I'm losing him, etc. I did read the SSM book, but I just can't get it through my head that a man can love a woman and want to stay w her, and not want sex more than once a month. Because I rarely get laid and feel like my sex life is basically over, I've been overeating and gaining weight. I kind of feel like, why punish myself w dieting and exercise if I'm not foing to get any reward for it?

If any old-timers are here (Silly Old Bear?) you're probably groaning at reading that nothing has changed w me (except I'm getting fat.) I still love DH very much. All I want is to be loved the way he loved me for the first few years. And I do want it to be him, not anybody elae.

One thing that gives me comfort is daydreaming about moving to a place I'd like better, like California or parts of Florida. Maybe even overseas. I think, if a whole year goes by and we haven't have sex, that's it; I'll start looking for jobs in these other places. If I can't have a good sex life, and the only way to keep the love I have w DH is to feel hurt and confused all the time....well, I feel stuck. I wanr change. (But only change for the better!)

[onyourside2]

good morning margali

i just read your post and i have a couple of questions.

simplest first: what does DH stand for? i'm assuming the H is for husband.

secondly, you mentioned that you and H discussed different possibilities and that you ruled several things out. what you don't say is what explanation he did give - if any - for decreased sexual interest. did he give any explanation?

third, did you talk about the possibility of erectile dysfunction or his fear thereof?

lastly, can you give me - if there is such a thing - a description of a typical encounter in which you have wanted to be sexual and he hasn't? how does the situation play out?

i am middle aged male by the way. i don't know if that gives me an advantage in helping you, but perhaps it might.

onyourside2

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Most of the time I feel sad, unattractive, afraid I'm losing him, etc. I did read the SSM book, but I just can't get it through my head that a man can love a woman and want to stay w her, and not want sex more than once a month. Because I rarely get laid and feel like my sex life is basically over, I've been overeating and gaining weight. I kind of feel like, why punish myself w dieting and exercise if I'm not foing to get any reward for it?

BINGO!

First, I completely understand the feeling (gender reversed, obviously).

While it is possible to love someone without wanting sex, in marriage relationships where there was once some level of good or adequate sex it is difficult to see (from the perspective of the partner wanting sex), why the other partner does not share that same feeling.

As I have said before, while the feeling of sexual relief can be satisfying at one level, it is the feeling of closeness, sharing and intimacy that really make sex "fun." Of course, if you forget the fun, don't place a priority on it, or are unwilling to admit that it really isn't and hasn't been "fun" or even desirable throughout your lifetime, then you end up with spouses (like you and I) who feel and are sexually frustrated.

On the weight issue, let me share a few things. When I was very sexually active with my first wife and with my second one (by very sexually active I mean two or more times per week), "weight" was not an issue in that I did not really have to focus on it AND we were both naturally lighter because of the calorie expenditure during our sexual encounters. That is one aspect of the advantages of a robust sex life.

Here is the other part I identify with. Throughout most of my life, my weight has not been an issue. What I mean by that is my weight, up until my sex life went away was either normal or just slightly "overweight" as measured by BMI. With my first wife, I gained some weight after our son was born, our sex life went away, and I was eating out more often because of my job (my travel schedule got progressively worse until it reached insane levels). Once her affair was revealed and I was off the road, the combination of depression and a more normal schedule brought my weight down (of course, I was also 31 years old and it wasn't too difficult to take off 15 pounds).

When our sex life started to wind down with my second wife, my weight crept up slowly. But after she ended the sex-life, well I know what you mean by the "why-bother" attitude. It took more than 10 years for my weight to reach it's maximum.

And whenever I thought about it, I realized the real image in the mirror was not the one I held for myself. But, why bother? Zero is still zero whether I weighed 175 pounds or 250. And that is what I told myself. "Why bother if it does not matter to her."

Let me share the other side of this with you.

Before you read any further, know this about maintaining or losing weight in the face of the lack of sex and all that you tell yourslef about being attractive.

DO THIS FOR YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE!

You recognize this weight gain and lack of attractiveness/why bother in yourself and it IS really difficult to fight this way of thinking and viewing yourself. It is your own personal pity party and unless you are out there publicly, with your friends, family and acquaintances, telling them that you are unhappy with your sex life, it is mostly silent suffering.

But take your awareness of your weight (gain) as a warning sign and don't do like I did and let your weight slip away.

Don't do it for him, do this for you. Take your best self-image of yourself and put that into play.

What I discovered is that once that weight is on, it can be very hard to take it off AND that it takes a lot of effort and time to take it off...slowly.

I can tell my story in a different post if you want but I now have specific goals that I follow. I've gone from a peak weight of 248 pounds in late 2007 to where I am today.

I set a specific goal in 2011 of 20,000 steps per day. And a weight of 180-185 pounds. I dropped to 183 by November 2011. In the summer of 2011, looking at myself in the mirror, I began to realize that my true body and my image of myself were coming back into line.

Although my weight has flattened (I've actually gained weight since adding a strength program to my exercise, something I was told to expect before my body resumes its slow weight drop), my body shape continues to change. I call it "losing the bubble wrap." I'm down to a 34 inch waist in pants (and even they are a bit "baggy", but I've gotten rid of all my 42 inch pants) and a 42 inch chest size (compared to 48-50 inches at my greatest weight).

After doing this for two years in a very consistent and committed way, my wife has gotten the message that I am going to do this, if I do nothing else. I don't tell her "why," I don't explain it, I just do it.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'M NOT DOING IT FOR HER, I'M DOING IT FOR ME!

And that is what I'd urge you to do. Don't let your weight slip away because of the pity party you feel you have every right to have for yourself.

Physically, I feel better than I've felt in years even if my wife does not want to take advantage of that. And I think it might help you both physically and mentally to take up the project of maintaining your health, for you. Weight is just a portion of it.

The Captain

[Margali]

Thanks, Earl, for the reminder that I need to take better care of my health FOR ME. I thought of that a few days ago: Eventually , I'm going to be allowed to retire. I'm not having any luck finding a better job - so, worst case scenario, I'm trapped there until retirement age. For me, that's 67. So, I still have to get through 18 years, 11 months, and 12 days. When I finally get free of my job, I *don't* want my knees to be so bad that I can't enjoy my freedom. So I've started walking w a coworker at lunchtime, and doing a Pilates DVD at home. If I call it "physical therapy for my knees" instead of "exercise", it's easier to make myself do it.

And like I said, this no-sex thing w DH can't be forever, either. If I work on a viable plan B for moving to place I'd like better - maybe my sex life would stil be over. DH doesn't want me in bed any more, and maybe nobody else ever will, either. But I need some happy things to look forward to - maybe living in a new place, and eventually retirement.

So, yeah, I'm having a pity party, bcs it feels like my awful job and my non-sex life are gping to drag on forever. But w the job at least, I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

[Accuray]

Margali,

onyourside2 posted some good questions that would help. What does H say about all this?

I've been reading about this a ton and here's what I've come up with:

H can't make himself *want* to have sex with you.

He can make himself actually do it, but would that be ok? i.e. would the act without the underlying desire be ok with you? The reason I ask is that your way forward is probably different depending upon your answer.

If you want the sex and the desire (which I do in my sitch), then the only thing I've found that you can do is endeavor to be as attractive as possible. This primarily means getting in great shape, dressing as well as you can, etc.

For me, I have a demanding full-time office job and 3 kids, so my time is fairly precious. I can put off and rationalize why I don't/can't focus on diet and exercise a thousand ways.

What I've decided is that if I want to give my sex life the best shot possible, I better make "being attractive" my top priority right now. If that doesn't work, I'll feel better about myself and be attractive to "someone" anyway, so it certainly seems worth doing.

I'm just starting a concerted effort so I'm not saying this from the perspective of someone who's done it and had it work, but I can tell you that it gives me some degree of feeling in control of the situation for now, and that feels good.

Accuray